I have posted on other threads. My mam passed away on the 21st of March. She was 82 years old. I am 60. I lived with my mam for the full 60 years. Dad passed away 9 years ago. Apart from living with mam all my life, for the last three years I cared her 24/7 because she had Alzheimer’s disease. We were inseparable. We went everywhere together. I used to say to mam: I have got you and you have got me.
It may sound strange to some people, but i have never been on my own. I have never lived on my own and always went away with my parents.
Now mam has gone it is just me. On my own. I try. I really do, but I am struggling being on my own. I talk to mam all the time. Her pictures are everywhere. I still set her place at the dining table for dinner and tea. I shout goodnight to her at her bedroom door.
I just feel hollow. I cry so much. I miss her so much and our lovely life together. Yes it was a routine everyday and as time went on, mam wasn’t keen on leaving the house, but that didn’t matter because we were there for each other even if I was in one chair reading and mam sleeping and resting in the other.
60 years of being together and now I am on my own and alone. We didn’t have many friends. Our two main friends, ex teaching colleagues of mine, live 50 miles away.
I don’t want to leave our lovely house full of memories, but sometimes i just feel like running. Where I don’t know and really I know I wouldn’t ,but the loneliness engulfs me and I don’t know what to do. Best wishes. Stephen
Hi Stephen, I understand how you feel, when you’ve spent so many years with someone. It’s particularly difficult when you rely on that person for everything. It also becomes very difficult to get out and make friends but if you don’t it isn’t healthy to become isolated. Have you looked into any bereavement groups. There are some walking groups for people grieving for instance. Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hello Tom. Thank you for your reply and for your suggestions and ideas. I will have a look around locally and also on Google for any local groups. All my best wishes. Stephen
I’m so sorry for your loss. After you’ve lived with someone all that time and never lived in your own, it must be really difficult. Maybe look for bereavement groups in your area to begin with and see how that goes. Just make sure you do look after yourself, eat and sleep when you can. Be kind to yourself, that’s what people told me too. I only lost my partner, very suddenly, 3 months ago and am struggling. Sending hugs to you.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Sending you my condolences on the passing of your partner only 3 months ago. It really leaves a massive chasm in your life. Not being able to see them anymore. I really appreciate your kind advice and support given that you are struggling yourself. Sending you all my kindest regards. Take care and God bless. Stephen
Have you thought of contacting your friends 50 miles away? I had a friend 600 miles away and we corresponded. Knew her since school. She died last year. But she used to ring on my birthday and when she felt the need.
I suppose I have got used to being on my own three and a half years down the line. But decided I need a pet again. Must look into it.
Fostering again works well.
I admit know lots of widows as half the road I live in is that boat now. Couple of widowers.
Good morning. They do ring and I ring them. They were here for mam’s funeral last Wednesday. Me and mam went up a few times a year and they said they would arrange something.
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it. Best wishes. Stephen
Hi Stephen, I hope you find some people to talk to soon. I’m still trying and it isn’t easy. I met my wife at 18 and I was with her for 40 years. Since she died on Christmas day I have never felt more lonely. The only time I lived on my own was when I was an excited sixteen year old kid which is a long way away. Most of the family around me have also died so the only family I have left are abroad. It’s now up to me to try and find people to talk to because it’s very difficult and probably unhealthy to be isolated.so far the only thing I’ve done is join a bereavement group which is a start but I have to do more, it isn’t easy but it is necessary. I hope you find your way. Take small steps. It’s normal to feel upset your mum was your whole life as was my wife and four months on I still cry every day.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hello Tom. Same as mam, your wife was your world and life and you were her world and life. It is terrible when bad things happen to good people. Your wife would have been a lot younger than mam. Mam was 82. Even though mam was in her eighties, I look around and just feel anger sometimes. People with their mams. Your wife was only my age I am guessing , i am 60 and it is such a cruel and devastating loss at any age, but when someone is younger it seems even more unfair and devastating. I don’t have much family. Like yours. A lot have passed away.
Do you mind me asking Tom. I know you said you cry every day, as I do. But my question is does your crying become so bad you almost get choked up and feel like life is impossible. I do and i wonder if it is just me who is taking things to an extreme point. It was bad before mam’s funeral, but now it is even worse.
I have looked for face to face bereavement groups in my area but there aren’t any I can see so I am ringing Marie Curie today and taking their offer of 6 sessions over 6 weeks on the phone with a trained counsellor. I was going to wait but since I seem to have got worse, I think now is the right time to do it.
I went shopping this morning. More memories of me taking mam in the car and then getting her in her wheelchair to get around. It might sound daft but I miss pushing mam in her wheelchair.
So I went shopping. Out in the world but I didn’t really see anyone except when I nipped up to the cemetery I spoke briefly to two people.
Thank you very much Tom. I appreciate you contacting me and getting back to see how I am. It is so lovely of you. All my kindest regards and best wishes .Stephen
Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate your support and advice. It is difficult, but as you say it is early days. It is only 5 weeks since. Days and hours at a time is good advice. I hope you are doing as well as can be expected too.
Hi Stephen, my wife and I had an English Academy out here in Spain but we closed it the day she was given five months to live. Fortunately she managed to live two years and she was still strong until she went in to have a drainage tube put on one of her bile ducts. She started to go down hill as there was were problems with the procedure and she got a infection. I had thought that over the two years of her illness I had prepared myself for the worst but when she finally died in my arms, I was devastated. Over the next two days I had her funeral and cremation. Over the first month or so I just cried all the time, sometimes without out breathing with a feeling of being ripped apart. I decided to lift weights and walk. I knew I had to take the pain out on something so I chose my body. Having not lifted weights for years I just did what I could. I used to think if I have a heart attack so be it. Walking also helped as I would walk for five or six hours and it allowed me to sleep.
Going to a bereavement group and chatting on this site have helped a lot and in the last couple of months I don’t feel so bad. I cry a lot but it’s a more healthy form of crying. There are moments when a darkness seems to roll in normally at weekends which is still difficult. I try to only concentrate on the positives. I have been extremely lucky to have been loved by such a sweet woman. I have had forty happy years with her. Unfortunately not everyone is so lucky.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hi Tom. I find weekends are not good either for me too. When I took early retirement from teaching 5 years ago, I was in all day with mam which I enjoyed. For some reason although we had the same routine every day of the week, me and mam did not like weekends.
I am glad you say sometimes after your exercising and walking that you don’t feel so bad sometimes. That is good and as you say, being on here helps too.n
Me and mam used to love holidays in Scotland. We went by car. As mam’s Alzheimer’s got slightly worse, it was too far for her to travel so the last 4 years we went to the same hotel in Scarborough for 4 nights. We both loved it. With mam struggling to walk, we got all over using her wheelchair.
We had paid and booked to go on the 9th of March. However, mam was in hospital and even if she was home, we wouldn’t have been able to go.
We always wrote the dates we were going on our calendar. The next one would have been the 11th of May. I hadn’t booked it though. I thought even though it would be the first time on my own that I would book to go. Mam would have wanted me to. When I rang they did not have any single rooms. Me and mam always had a twin room. Instead, I booked four nights, five days with a local coach company up to the Scottish Borders.
The thing now is. I feel guilty for planning to go. It sounds daft but I don’t like the idea of leaving mam at home and me locking the door. The reason I booked it was just to try to help myself a little bit but it has backfired leaving me feeling guilty. Thanks Tom for being a good listener. I send you all my best wishes. Stephen
When my wife died I stayed with her body but it was just that, nothing more. Although I brought her ashes home I don’t feel her there at all. I find I’m closer to her outside in nature where she should be in the beauty that’s around us. I wouldn’t bother feeling guilty. I would go, get out and share the beautiful scenery with her. If she is keeping an eye on you wouldn’t it be so much better out in nature than stuck at home.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Thanks Tom. You are right. Mam loved being out in her wheelchair and before that walking with me helping her. So it would be better as you say to think of mam there out and about with me.
I really like that perspective Tom. Sending you my thanks for your support and very helpful advice. Stephen
I’ve read a lot of your posts and I’m so sorry for your loss. One thing I want to say is, it struck me what a devoted son you were to your dear mother. You have no regrets as you took such good care of her. Your care and devotion to her is evident in all of your posts and that is something to be proud of.
My Mum had Multiple Sclerosis and was in a wheelchair too for the last few years of her life. She died 15 years ago at 83. I lost my lovely husband only 6 months ago to pancreatic cancer and I know the deep grief you feel. He had just turned 60, 12 days before he passed. My heart is broken.
I totally understand how you feel i lost my husband 5yrs ago it was just him and me no children and now I am on my own it is the sad long lonely days with this grief I never thought I would have to face it at 63 I thought we would be much older but he ho that’s life apparently I can also relate to you wanting to run away I feel like that again lot although I have two brothers and two nephews and on niece its not the same I feel like a burden to them and I never meant to be that at all nor wanted that for me , I gather you come from up Newcastle way as you say mam I might be wrong but you could tell me that you obviously had a close bond with your mam and it shows in everything you say about her if you want to talk and talk I can do I am miss chatty that might keep you busy and help with the loniness I am only to happy to chat please feel.free anytime
