I lost my lovely sister in february. She was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia in January. She had been a bit iffy with breathlessness for a few weeks.
I live 300 miles from her, so i stayed with her whilst she was having her initial investigations.
She came home for a week before chemo, so i went home to give her and her husband chance to have some time to plan.
She started her chemo on 27th jan, i spoke to her on sunday 28th via video call which was the last time i spoke to her.
The next morning i received a phone xall saying she had developed sepsis, and had to go to itu. I tried to get to see her before they put her in an induced coma, but she was too ill to wait. She spent 2 weeks in itu, where they tried everything to help her, sadly on the 11th of february, after talks with the medics, me her husband and my neice decided life support should be withdrawn, as she had multiple organ failure.
My sister was so fit, never been seriously ill.
I still find it hard to believe she has gone.
I miss her so much.
Hi leaf so sorry to hear the loss of your sister. Sounds like things changed so quickly for her . Youâre so early on this awful journey that we are all going through on this forum. The pain we are feeling will never go away ,but we do learn to live it .
Be kind to yourself and take it at your pace . Life is so unfair i lost my husband in very similar circumstances to your sister, he to got sepsis and had major organ failure was on a ventilator and had to have it switched off, so i know how you feel . Sending you a hug stay strong my friend xx.
Thank you so much, it helps to know someone really knows how I feel, I am so sorry to hear about your husband xx
I donât feel âmeâ anymore, Iâm cross and angry and very VERY short-tempered and Iâm SOO bitter.
I watched my only younger sibling slowly rot through 5 years of hideous excruciating cancer treatments and their side effects, operations, tests, oncology meetings, the fear and terror of the diagnosis and all the Emmergency late night early morning dashes to hospital whilst she hallucinated and threw up in my car in agony as the ambulances would be 7/8 hours.
The cancer growing so she could only watch others eat, the âaccidentsâ and embarrassment on the bed when her stoma played up. The desperation when it didnât work, the grabbing constantly at her side in pain. The begging for the nurses to hurry up and bring morphine. The lack of any council support despite the rows and the begging until 30 mins after she was taken by ambulance to the hospiceâŚâŚnever to see her home and garden which she adored, ever again!
Iâm tortured and shocked to the core that people suffer so much and how we: the supporters are utterly traumatised by the experiences we have had and are left to deal with the memories of all this and âjust get on with living: for her, sheâd want you to!!â
The begging and pleading for her life at the oncologist the private specialist at a huge cost and the begging to do âanythingâ to live, the begging me to help her end itâŚâŚ the guilt at not doing so (I couldnât ever)âŚ. The survivor syndrome, the âwhy have I been left on earth when everyone one of my family has died and Iâve watched and supported those closest to me in to their graveâ.
The âarenât you over it now? Itâs been 8 months â . The off hand cold unfeeling people who manage âdeath related paperworkâ when the shock is so great the last thing I could care about is their âtick lists and proceduresâ. The harrowing visit to the undertaker and florists, the venue, the invites as if it were to some bizzare wedding, the awful phone calls and letters to those she knew and hounding by those âwell meaningâ for details until I turned off the phone for my own failing mental health âŚ. This was of course If and when I could find the contacts; going through her phone and paperwork where the desperation & fear continued in notes and documents. The hounding of the utility companies and worst of all âyouâve got to find ÂŁâ00000âs in death duties within 6 months âŚ. How do you do that??? The trauma trying to gather huge sums of monies when not working, in order to pay the blood money to the robbing government thieves who donât care for anything other than swelling their coffers. The sleepless hideous nights, the nightmares and the dread of getting up. The trauma on my broken partnerâs face as he races towards a breakdown having lost his mother in Covid and not being able to see her and not knowing how he can support me when grief ridden himself.
Then the selling and disposal of her belongings which is traumatising beyond the imagination of deep guttural grief which makes one too ill to walk the dog Iâve now inherited whoâs traumatised by the loss of her mum.
The exhaustion just thinking about getting out of bed to face another hard lonely day without my half of my very being which was her who I was told by my mother at my sisterâs birth âalways look after herâ⌠Then comes the âyou should take anti-depressants: theyâll helpâ or âcall me when you need meâ (what??? Every moment of the hideous day???are you sure???) Then thereâs the itâll get better in timeâŚâŚ what time? Iâve been at this everyday since 2015âŚâŚ isnât THAT long enough??? The counsellor whose kindness never fails until the last few minutes before the session ends, then you face the world again alone until âthis time next weekâ. The sympathy from those you know who look at you in their begging ways with âoh noâŚ. Please donât cry againâŚâ & â it could be infectiousâ so keep away. The alcohol and fatty foods abuse to just get through the day. The âpretend Iâm enjoying myselfâ at gatherings of friends or mini âget-awaysâ. Then the blunt force trauma of the bolt that hits you: youâll never see her again, talk to her again or have anyone who knows your past to talk about it toâŚâŚ all this alone stuff until I die and how and when will that be and every day âwhen will I get cancerâ and how will I die ⌠will it be like her? I truly hope NOT!!! This is griefâŚâŚ this is the tip of the iceberg that lies beneath the smiles and chit-chat when all you want to do is scream and scream!!
I dont know how you feel, as my experience was much quicker.
You have been through something so traumatic, and i donât blame you feeling angry.
I wish i had someone to hold responsible, but i dont.
I hope you find some peace eventually. X
Thank you Leaf, all grief is exhausting and traumatic. I wish you peace too. 
âŚmy heart is brokenâŚbut I send you what I can of whatâs leftâŚ
Hey i lost my sister 3 weeks ago and the paun is unreal. We spent almost every day together over the past 12 years. Most of our lives we followed each other around. Im absolutely devastated as u are. Plz feel free to reasch out to me any time. Xxx
Rachel, my heart goes out to you. Itâs bewildering how to cope without her isnât it! I spoke / saw my sister everyday too and she was my best friend.
I hope youâve got access to counselling, maybe via Cruise Bereavement?
If you have family left who you can talk about her to, that would surely help you.
I want to talk about my sis but people shy away from talking about her âin case I get upsetâ it if you donât talk about her, she will cease to exist and thatâs not right.
I hope you can find a way to cope
Misprint, that sounds utterly horrific and Iâm sure youâre still reeling from what youâve seen and the decisions youâve had to make.
Thank you for reaching out to me and your supportive words. Thank you 
UnityMan, my goes out to you too, so many of us are suffering whilst trying to get up and cope with every day tasks.
Your words are both poignant and heart wrenching Tory23. I am so sorry for your pain. I also lost my younger Sister to cancer (albeit it was in the course of only one night in the hospital) Nevertheless so much of what you say resonates. The feeling of helplessness, the survivorâs syndrome ( Why her and not me, the younger sibling should not go first) having to be âstrongâ for others and to tackle the red tape and endless paperwork, the unhelpful comments and platitudes offered by clueless people, and every thing else you mentioned. I was always my little Sisterâs protector from the first time at age 2 when she clung to me during a booming thunderstorm. Like you I feel robbed of our past and our future. I am 5 years on, and all I can say is âDeath changes everything, Time changes nothing.â Here for you with caring and compassion. Xxx Sad Sister2
SadSister, thank you for taking the time to contact me and share your story and the awful journey we, like so many others have experienced. Itâs VERY isolating isnât it!!!
Time doesnât heal you learn how to disguise the brutality of your loss: mostly in order to be able to communicate with others. No one wants to see or be involved with a heartbroken sobbing wretch, so we learn âhow to behaveâ in public.
I feel the burden of your grief and tremendous loss and my goes out to you too. 
I lost my beautiful sister two weeks ago , it was so sudden and unexpected, she was so healthy and fit 
she had a brain bleed while on holiday abroad.
We have only just got her back , the funeral is in two weeks , Iâm devastated I canât take it in , there is a massive hole , we lost our other sister to cancer in 2012. Iâm the only sister left now , I canât cope with all this loss.
I lost my daughter my parents , both sisters now and my oldest dearest friend , itâs all too much to be honest .
Hi. I am so sorry to hear about the recent loss of your sister, the pain is unbearable.
I am glad that she is now home.
I felt cheated of the opportunity to say good bye, but i keep trying to think that at least my sister was unaware of what was going on. Its very early days for you, and you must be a strong person to have managed to deal with so much loss. Sending you love and strength.
Wow leaf ,listening to that sounds just like i feel after watching my dad fight parkinsons disease for the final 3 years.Be strong your not alone love to you at this trying time .
Thank you so much. X
Nowords.You must be the strongest person to have ad so much loss and grief in your life,going through one loss is terrible enough. Thankyou for posting your story as it does give people like me hope to carry on after loosing someone we love.my heart really does go out you thankyou .keep being the incredible strong person you are x x