I can't cope

I lost my mum almost a year ago. To cancer. I can’t cope. her suffering is always in my mind. I think of her when I am awake, I dream of her when I sleep. and in my dreams she is sick and suffering. I have done my best trying to move on but I can’t. I cry all the time when I am alone. And I am always alone in a country which is not mine. I want to end it. I am tired of people telling me she would not want see you like this, you need to live for her etc etc. I feel so lonely and in pain that is even physical pain. I have no interested in life if life is just thinking about her pain or having quick moments where I feel a bit better and then buuum the memories come back and the fact that she is not here. I have no family, basically no friends as I have been hiding in the past year nothing. I guess I came here as last night I was crying my eyes out and I started looking for support. Do you know if there are groups that physically meet? I appreciate this online community but I think I need to meet people. Sometimes I just want a hug and somebody telling me it will be ok. I live in London please tell me if you know of any support group that meets I am at my limit

Hi. Silviagui.
They may be virtual, but here are some emergency hugs. (!!!). (!!!). And I will tell you it will be OK, honest!
I’m so sorry about the awful pain you are going through, and you could not have come to a better place. We all know and care.
I don’t live in London so can’t point you in the right direction, but a visit to your GP is always a good idea. If you don’t feel the need for medication they can advise on who can help.
If it gets too bad then the Samaritans are good to talk to. Please don’t try and go it alone. That is never a good idea. If you have gone into hiding, as so many of us do, then friends may have fallen away. It happens.
Your mum’s suffering has made an indelible mark on your mind. The fact that you are now reaching out is good. Please get some support and help. You must talk to someone who can be objective. Counselling can help so much, as can short term medication.
Come back and unload whenever you want to. We may be a long way off but love travels well. Blessings. Take care, we are all here for you.

Hi Silviagui, So sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I’m sending you a virtual hug as well.
Hopefully someone here will be able to suggest something as I’m not too clued up on support groups especially in London. One of the Sue Ryder staff may have some advice for you.
It’s clear you need lots of support and being here is a good start as there are many caring people in these forums who will listen to anything you want to say. A lot of people here are going through all sorts of horrible emotions so you are not alone. Get it all off your chest, we don’t mind. I lost my mum suddenly 3 months ago so I can empathise to some extent with some of your feelings. I came here for support and got it from many people and I’ve been writing about all sorts of things as I can’t keep it all bottled up inside me.

thank you so much Jonathan for your reply. I was so desperate last night that I had to find this group. I also saw the Samaritan. I wanted to call but I was crying so much that I was not going to be able to speak. I went to my GP but it was no help. They have only 5 minutes for you and I was told to come back if I was ready to accept medication which I do not want. Loneliness is what kills me. I hope this group can help although It makes me so sad to see so many people who are going through what I am going through

Shaun I just read your story. I was trying to think of my last normal day … I saw you lost your mum too. My last normal day was when my mum told me goodbye at the airport after visiting me. She knew then but she chose to wait to tell me she was sick. I remember looking her and thinking something was wrong. the following day she told me. I too go for walking and running. I went walking all day on Saturday as I can only sleep when I am physically tired. I put sunglasses and cried all the way. I am so sorry for your loss as I understand your pain

Hi @Silviagui I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and that you are feeling so isolated and overwhelmed. I’m glad that you’ve found our Online Community and that you’ve already had some supportive replies. If you are also looking for offline support groups, you could try your local branch of Cruse Bereavement. The Loss Foundation is another organisation that run support groups in London for people bereaved by cancer.

Yes my last normal day. I seem to be a bit fixated on past events and thinking back to when life was, as I think now, normal. I want it again so badly. It seems so common that our loved ones for whatever reason don’t want to burden us with their health issues no matter how much we care about them and it also seems that a lot of us suffer from tremendous guilt and have so many questions as to why it all happened, why it happened the way it did and why didn’t they say something or do something? I’ve had all of that and even questioned if I was a good enough son to my mum as I didn’t stop this happening. It’s just not nice. All of these things can really hurt us all now. Sometimes people who haven’t been through what you are going through just don’t understand why you are the way you are but of course here a lot of people do understand. It’s really not easy and grieving is exhausting. It’s often said that there is no time limit on the grieving process only that we have to go through it. It does sound like you need to talk things through and of course the first time is always the hardest. That’s what I found and with time and going over everything again, it gets a little easier to say the same things. I hope you manage to find a group or person to talk about everything you want to, even the painful bits.
I also get really sad when I read other people’s stories on here in a way that I might not have when things were normal, but then everyone is supportive and it reminds me that life can be cruel and its nastiness doesn’t target anyone in particular.

Thank you Priscilla. Loss foundation has an event on 10, on my diary now…

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Hi, My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find some support. I also found the GP of no use although I visited for another reason. The GP knew Brian and myself and how close we were, he just said “I know he was your life” and left it at that. I found the local hospice to be the best support with group sessions and one to tone if you prefer this. They also have other activities which you can join in. Ours has a cafe and you can walk in at any time. Even my dogs are welcome. I am thinking of volunteering some time when I feel ready. So see if there is one near you.
You need to be able to talk about your Mum so counselling sound as though it might help.
Some of us know what it’s like to watch a loved one die in pain and as Jonathan so rightly says it does leave an indelible mark on your mind.
Don’t be afraid to cry it does release some of the tension of the pain. Stay with this forum we all understand your pain and will help. You are not alone here.

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I sort of feel better…thank you all fir sharing your stories and feelings with me. It is sadly conforting… sad as I realise you share my pain… thank you

I a so sorry about your Brian … I just wanted to say that… I am glad you found some safe space in the local hospice and they even allow your dogs … they clearly understand how important they are! my mum dies in hospice as we did not manage to take her home on time… one of my biggest regret s it torments me… I can’t deal with going back into one… my mum there is always in my mind. Her eyes and the way she looked at me. My mum…

Hi, I must admit I had never been in a hospice before and Brian died at home but the hospice did help us with equipment and a few months after his death asked me if I wanted to join in a group meeting. I wasn’t mixing very well so decided to give it a go. I go once a month and then have a chat in the cafe afterwards. I don’t think I could go into the actual hospice area in case it brought back memories of Brian’s pain. When we are in grief we tend to remember every little thing. I remember everything about those final days. Brian was at home with me caring for him which is what he wanted but I keep worrying that I might not have looked after him as well as the hospice. We will always wonder if things could have been different.
Our hospice has a different area for visitors and the cafe so I don’t have to go into the actual main part which does help. I have been asked if I want to volunteer but like you, couldn’t cope with inside. I am thinking about the gardens though as I am a keen gardener.
Yes my dogs are very important and I’m pleased that the hospice realises this. Mine are my therapists and without them I feel like a lost soul. I dislike going shopping as I obviously can’t take them.
I hope you get on alright. xxxxx

Hi Pattidot,
You are so right about remembering every little thing and then it becomes quite significant. I have so many reminders everywhere I go. I replay so many memories and so many scenarios. When I’m out and about in the places mum has been with me, I can see her. It’s like in the films when people have flashbacks and then return to the present and the person in the flashback is no longer to be seen, I’ve had so many of those it’s quite wearing. I can understand why it can be hard to go to certain places again as it can be all too much to deal with on top of everything else. I went for a walk just this week in the crisp sunny morning air up to our local woods and I stopped by a log. I remembered the time when I was there with my daughter and my mum having a picnic with sandwiches - a flashback. Then I thought, that’ll never happen again. The log remains in the present. Nobody else will ever know the significance that it holds for me or what happened in the past. I’m not sure seeing it is much of a comfort but it’s hard to avoid.
I’d like to say, I’ve found your posts enjoyable to read and they make me feel more positive so I thank you for that. I still haven’t been back to my allotment yet but I’m hoping to get some more motivation again with time. It’s hard though and I’ve come up against all sorts of mental barriers over the weeks.
@Silviagui, I hope you get something good out of the upcoming session in your diary.
Shaun x

Thank you Shaun.
You also write beautifully and i can relate a lot to your feelings …xxxx

I tend, I think, to ramble with some random thoughts. Not sure I’d win any literature prizes any time soon but I thank you for your compliment! Most of my best and worst thoughts happen when I’m out walking but then I’m nowhere near a computer to write them all down and then when I get home I forget them!
Shaun x

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Hi Shaun I read your posts with interest and can see how your suffering at the loss of your Mum. I don’t think any of us expect such emotions to take over. I know I certainly didn’t. I had lost other dear members of my family but never experienced such raw grief as when Brian died. My father died suddenly of a heart attack in his forties and I remember not being able to understand the reason for his death for a long time. He was a fit sports man, non smoker, non drinker, there seemed no justice and it did change my attitude to life. My mother died in hospital and it was not expected but I couldn’t get to her in time. She was a three hour drive plus one hour ferry crossing and I couldn’t get a ferry place until the next morning, she died before we got there. I have said over and over to her how sorry I am that she died alone. I have never had a visitation from her so perhaps she doesn’t forgive me.
Going back to my country walks was hard as Brian and I had walked so often together. All our holidays and every week we was out. So many memories. Keep persevering and those memories will bring comfort in time. I like to think of Brian doing these walks, fit and well and enjoying himself. I put out my hand as I walk and wait for him to take hold of it. One of Brian’s last requests was that I took him on all my walks and I do. I talk to him and I carry a photograph of him with me and now like to think of him there with me. I now go on walks that he liked, to feel him close. Sometimes I call out his name and hope he can hear me and know that I am there for him.
Our allotments has been bitter sweet with so many memories. I look for him and wish he was there. I want to please him by making the plots productive. But equally the allotment has given me focus and acted as therapy. I can cry as I work, I can let out all that emotion and then I can chat quite normally to other members. Such mixed emotions. All I can say is try to remember the good times and what gave your dear Mum pleasure. In other words not so much our sadness but what gave our loved ones pleasure.
Take care and love
Pat xxx

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