My partner died last Sunday. He had end stage cancer but we thought we had a few more weeks at least. Then last Sunday he had a massive heart attack and died.
I wasn’t there. He called me but he couldn’t speak. I tried to get to him but I was too late. Now all I can think is I could have said goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let him go.
His family and mine have been great but I miss him so much. Everyone says it will get better but right now I don’t think it ever will. I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and how I’ll never stop loving him.
We only met March 2021. I’d spent 25 years in an emotionally abusive relationship. I got out and finally met a man who loved me for ME and he made me realise who I was. We knew at 47 and 51 we didn’t have a long time together but we figure it would be longer than this. We were making plans when he was told he had 6-12 months. He didn’t even make it 6 months. He got to 5 1/2. I’d give everything for one more hour with him!!!
I’ve got health issues so I figured I’d go first. I even wrote him a letter that I put with my will. I was certain he’d be the one left behind. When we knew he’d go first I told him about the letter and asked if he wanted to see it.
He said he knew what it would say so he didn’t need to. Then he said ‘You deserve happiness, make sure you find someone after I’ve gone’.
I’m trying to hold on to the deserving happiness bit but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on and find someone. Right now, I’m missing his phone calls (he’d call at least 3 times a day!) and just sitting and talking about sports, especially the F1. Straight after every race we’d talk about it. If he was at work I’d call him with the results and he’d always ask me if it was a boring race. Now I watch it and think ‘I must remember to tell him about…’ but he’s not there.
He was the kindest, most loving, considerate person I’d ever met. He would give his shoes to a stranger and walk in the snow barefoot!!! He really was that kind.
Unfortunately his ex knew this and abused it. She made his life hell for 20 years. So he’d just found happiness too.
Sorry I’m rambling on! I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried pushing the pain away. I’ve tried accepting it and crying. I don’t know what hurts more or less.
I just want the world to stop