I can't do this

My partner died last Sunday. He had end stage cancer but we thought we had a few more weeks at least. Then last Sunday he had a massive heart attack and died.

I wasn’t there. He called me but he couldn’t speak. I tried to get to him but I was too late. Now all I can think is I could have said goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let him go.

His family and mine have been great but I miss him so much. Everyone says it will get better but right now I don’t think it ever will. I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and how I’ll never stop loving him.

We only met March 2021. I’d spent 25 years in an emotionally abusive relationship. I got out and finally met a man who loved me for ME and he made me realise who I was. We knew at 47 and 51 we didn’t have a long time together but we figure it would be longer than this. We were making plans when he was told he had 6-12 months. He didn’t even make it 6 months. He got to 5 1/2. I’d give everything for one more hour with him!!!

I’ve got health issues so I figured I’d go first. I even wrote him a letter that I put with my will. I was certain he’d be the one left behind. When we knew he’d go first I told him about the letter and asked if he wanted to see it.

He said he knew what it would say so he didn’t need to. Then he said ‘You deserve happiness, make sure you find someone after I’ve gone’.

I’m trying to hold on to the deserving happiness bit but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on and find someone. Right now, I’m missing his phone calls (he’d call at least 3 times a day!) and just sitting and talking about sports, especially the F1. Straight after every race we’d talk about it. If he was at work I’d call him with the results and he’d always ask me if it was a boring race. Now I watch it and think ‘I must remember to tell him about…’ but he’s not there.

He was the kindest, most loving, considerate person I’d ever met. He would give his shoes to a stranger and walk in the snow barefoot!!! He really was that kind.

Unfortunately his ex knew this and abused it. She made his life hell for 20 years. So he’d just found happiness too.

Sorry I’m rambling on! I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried pushing the pain away. I’ve tried accepting it and crying. I don’t know what hurts more or less.

I just want the world to stop


I am so saddened to read your heartbreaking story and I truly feel for you. I lost my husband 4 months ago and like you wish I had more time to say all of the things I wanted to but after a long illness the end came too suddenly.
I can only say accept all the love around you while you grieve & continue to talk to your sweetheart for I truly believe they can hear us, we just can’t see or hear them. I have a memory bear that I hug when I feel the loneliness and it brings great comfort. My husband also loved F1 and I’ve continued to watch this season, all the things I do keep his memory close in my heart and you will be able to do the same given time.
Sending you lots of love
Jen x


Thank you. He got me a penguin a few months ago and it’s not left my side.

It just all seems so unfair.

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Vixxie I am so sorry you finally found love and lost it so soon. I lost my husband suddenly in August he went to work and never came home I never said goodbye and although we’d been married 31 years a brother and sister of his has never liked me and I have had nasty messages since its all just a nightmare. My lovely friends and family have been so good though. We also are massive F1 fans and my son misses his Dad so much on Grand Prix weekends they would sit and watch together or if my son couldn’t be here they would be constantly texting. We have such a void in our lives and at times I’m so struggling, and looking at some people on here it doesn’t get better. I’m not looking forward to Christmas and to the future come to that without him. I’m 60 he was 64.


Vixxie my heart breaks for you, life is so cruel
:broken_heart: there is no words at a time like this :cry:

Your story touched me. I am the same. Im just starting my journey. Lost my Husband 4 days ago unexpectedly at 56. Just joiunred this group. Are we allowed to speak directly to people?
Sending you love xx

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Jane I’m sorry you just lost your husband at such a young age I’m only 60 he was 64 and its very hard to take …especially as my son is grown up and I’m on my own now. My husband had started renovating the house and I’ve gotvit all to finish on my own he was doing it himself so now I do t know what to do its a nightmare…I hope all your funeral prep is going well …its the worst thing you will have to do . I had a wonderful FD and he literally did everything for me. I have a wonderful sister who has helped me all the way through as she lost her husband 4 years ago. If there is any advice you want just ask and I will try to help. My husband died very suddenly not expected…he didn’t have a will so its been tough. Take care jude x

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Thanks Jude
We had no idea. My Husband didn’t make a will either. He was about to inherit a lot of money frim his Dads business. He has 3 kids. Im close to them or thought. The 2 eldest have already said its rightly their money now. I was going to retire and we were going to do up the house. We were going on holiday and enjoy life together. I feel weve been waiting 2 years to be able to move on from his Dads death. Theres been a lot of fighting between him and his 3 siblings already. My Husband was depressed after his Dad died of covid. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel its been ripped away.
Its so hard isnt it. I have my Son and Daughter. Theyve been amazing but but its not the same.
We were inseparable. Im 58. Jane x

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Oh Jane what a similar story …my husband had a business and brought his whole family into it after 30 yeara of building it up …a couple of years ago his sister was running the office but I worked in there a couple of days a week. Long story short she started taking hours off me and giving them to her daughter…my husband all be it his business for 30 years asked but she wouldn’t give him regular spreadsheets and he couldn’t see how the business was going…when we looked into it …her son in law had booked all the materials for his house out onto Company accounts and she was giving him extra monthly payments and herself…the stress to my husband was unbelievable…she turned it back on us and persuaded somehow her other siblings it wasn’t her fault. We survived my husbands customer’s after 30 years were loyal we got back on track and I took over the office…but the abuse over the last 2 years I fear took its toll on him …and one day he just dropped dead at work. The out pouring of grief in our community gave me great strength the church was packed people had to stand outside. I got almost 200 cards letters and messages. Whilst his side of the family are literally scrabbling for scraps his sister and her husband can only get shop assistants jobs and companies and customers aren’t using her son in law . It was a plumbing business.
Have you got legal help if your husband was to inherit then surely it should automatically go to you as his spouse. The business with my husbands family still isn’t wound up but I Inherit his shares as his wife …Although his sisters son in law was straight on the phone to the accountant the day after my husband died to ask about his shares. So horrible they are. Please get legal advice ASAP love Jude x

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Aww Bless you, Sending lots of hugs, it won’t always hurt as much as now, your so understandably raw, and so much hurt, but in time you will cope and feel much better, taking little steps and eventually you will feel different to today, keep going day at a time
Take care x

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Just got back from his funeral. It was lovely. Very funny and everyone was so kind. But I’ve come home and fallen apart. I don’t want to believe he’s really gone. It’s so unfair.

I just want to curl up and stop the world. He was larger than life, so kind and loving. He was treated so badly by his ex. We finally found each other and we were happy and now I have to carry on without him.


I feel the same youre not alone i cant think of life without my hubby both 56 and countless years together …will never feel the same again …thoughts are with you x

Hi there. Another Jane here. I am about to face a similar problem. Even though my mum made her wishes clear in her Will, for me to inherit, basically because I cared for her throughout her illness. My sister is going to contest the Will after doing nothing. Unbelievable

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I am really struggling without my husband. I miss him so much . We been married 40yrs and been together 44yrs. We meet when I was 16 and he was cruelly taken by lung cancer after only being diagnosed 2mths.
I don’t want to carry on without him.:sob:


Hello @Jules59,

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling and I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this.

If you do feel these thoughts or feelings of not wanting to be here get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
  • If you’re worried you’re going to hurt yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. We have also recently launched a Grief Guide Service, which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief. If you’re interested in understanding more about grief and how you can manage it, please visit griefguide.sueryder.org.

You deserve this support, keep reaching out.

Take care,


So sorry,
sending a hug x

I promise the day after the funeral is hell. Im a week on. Its a bit better. Be strong xx


i feel the same hubby died in oct…im totally broken.44 wonderful years and now back to zero.you will find strength.im having to.get plenty rest,must eat,take lots support from family and friends and dont bottle up the tears they must come out.i know its been terrible for me also but strength will follow. take each day 1 at a time .thoughts with you …this site is a godsend xx

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Thank you, the site is a godsend. Unfortunately I have no family or friends to share my grief with x


You have now sending hugs x