Hello everyone,
I lost my dad on the 6th January. He had been in hospital for nearly 9 weeks with a UTI that wouldn’t shift due to long term catheter use. He had Lewy Body Dementia and his cognitive function had deteriorated hugely in the last year of his life. I hate thinking about him lying in that hospital for weeks on end. He had stopped eating and we did everything to encourage him to eat and drink. A member of the family went in to the hospital every lunch and dinner time in the last few weeks to spoonfed him as he had pretty much lost the ability (and will) to feed himself. It was heartbreaking and traumatic. He was a skeleton by the time he passed away. It was even more upsetting to realise in hindsight that he was already dying at this point. I’m not sure if we were being naive or just unwilling to accept it. Eventually, the consultant said we should stop medication, food and water. She predicted he would survive for 2 days, but he lasted for 5. We spent 15 hours a day by his bedside waiting for his body to let go. It was so harrowing. It felt like we were condemning him to death in the most awful way, even though we knew the disease had already taken so much away from him. I feel so much shame for wishing he would let go, when I’ve spent the last 5 years of his diagnosis willing him to live.
Due to a strained relationship with my mum, in the last two years of my dad’s life, I didn’t do enough for him. I had distanced myself from the family, didn’t spend very much quality time with them, didn’t stick up for him when he needed me most. I didn’t tell my dad the things I should have apart from one day, 2 days before he passed, when he woke up. It was the most we’d seen his eyes in a year as he kept them closed most of the time. I told him as much as I could, but by this point he had lost all communication and wasn’t able to say anything in response. Something else that plays constantly on my mind. I feel like I’m being eaten up by the shame. And now he’s gone and I feel like I let him down and I can’t fix it. At the time, I felt like such a victim and now I realise that the real victim was my poor dad. The dementia had made him so vulnerable and he was scared and confused and I should have been there every day to comfort him.
I’m such a mess. I can’t stop crying and ruminating. I’ve no idea how I’m going to cope at his funeral. I need to go back to work as a teacher, but everything just seems pointless and overwhelming. I’m an atheist, and I completely understand how people’s faith would provide them with comfort right now.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Hello @ReeBee,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can hear the pain in your words and want you to know that you are not alone.
I’m giving your thread a gentle, “bump” - I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. 
I am so sorry for your sad tale. please know, these ends are generally hard and tragic. the end is not so pretty. I think most people on here did the best they could. we all feel like we didn’t do enough when most likely, we did. families have arguments, people sicken and die, people don’t talk frankly, we hide.
being hard on yourself could be considered normal but every time you do it, stop yourself. you are grieving and that is hard enough as it.
grief counseling helped me a lot. I recommend it. 