I don’t feel the person I was?

I don’t know if anyone can recognise the feelings I am having?

Before my husbands death I was confident, if he didn’t fancy doing something that I did I’d go to whatever with friends or family including holidays and it was fine.

But now I seem to have become a shadow of the person I was, I went with friends to the theatre but I felt uneasy & a bit panicky, I’ve been to the theatre many times with these friends without my husband but this time I didn’t enjoy it, I just wanted to go home, I didn’t belong.

Family asked me to go on a holiday of a lifetime with them, I said yes then had thoughts like, what if I want to do something and they don’t? What if they want to stay out later then me? What if I get a headache will I be left on my own? In the end I couldn’t seem to push through the fear and backed out, I just feel safe and secure and comfortable at home, like it’s become my sanctuary.

My husband wouldn’t recognise this unconfident scared women I’ve become.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I think most of us are different people we were- I feel I die when my husband die - now 16 months later I am still not the same person - but some changes happen - it is as if life presents it self and because we are alive we end up doing things that are presented to us
We are not all the same - people grieve in different ways - I still have no joy or excitement inside me - however even though I feel this way I got another house and will move once some work is done to it. I wasn’t looking for a house but one came up for sale just across the road from one of my daughters - so things have presented to me and I feel and believe that Jack was/is behind it

You will do things when you feel like it - only you will know - and if you are lucky life will present it self to you
Sadie x

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I think this may stem from the fact you are coming back to that empty home with no one to talk to about your day-night out, or your holiday…but yes for the life of me i cant see how anyone will ever be the same person they once were after losing their hubby-wife-partner, the death of our close loved one that we have lived with day and night will change us forever…we will never ever be that same person again…

… yes, we die too when our partner has died…


Hello Flower Garden. I know just how you feel after loosing my lovely husband after nearly 51 years. I have gone on holiday like you nearly did with my family to places that I never thought would go with out my Ron. It was hard to be with out him but I just kept looking at them all and thinking we started all these lovely people and it really helped me. You do still feel as if you are on your own even though there was 9 of us. But Ron would be so pleased of the way they are supporting me. I am so like you with the confidence bit but gradually after 3 years it is just a bit coming back but as you know it is so hard. We have two daughters with their lovely husbands and 4 lovely grandchildren who have grown up now but what would we do without them. I have joined a group who have also lost their partners and we go out for many social events. They have helped me very much like this group on here. Please just keep thinking what would your husband want you to do. Love and hugs to you. xCarol xx

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Hi Carol
How did you find this group of people that have lost st their husbands?
Thank you

Hi Sadie so sorry for the delay. I was told by a friend about the group but I am sure the local hospice know about these groups. One of my friends found out about it through our local hospice, I do so hope you find one it has been such a help for me. xx Carok xx

Hi Sadie, our local Hospice has a group and they meet once a month and will support you for a year. But what has happened is that some of them have decided to meet away from the hospice as well and I have been invited to meet up with them tomorrow (Friday). There is also the pop up grief cafe’s that are starting all over the country. There might also be a group of some sort near to you. I’m afraid it’s a case of searching. I meet up with another group once a month all grieving people but I am a bit concerned that I should have this sort of company all the time anyway for the time being I am making myself go and meet people and this is a step in the right direction. I met my Brian through going to a singles club. I more or less went for a laugh as I had just broken up with a partner of 7 yrs and although I had instigated the break up decided to try this singles group but certainly didn’t want a relationship. Just after I walked in Brian also arrived. We became friends in the first instance and this led to love and 30 yrs of marriage. I never expected that the night I went to that club.
Pat xxx

I o have lost a lot of confidence…I think it is a loss of our foundation…our support. I hope in time we can learn to be secure on our own. We need to trust in ourselves and give ourselves time x

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Hi your so right. I was frightened of being with people in case they could see my pain or I started crying which would have mortified me. All my confidence had gone I couldn’t cope in groups of people when I had always been able to mix happily. Slowly I am beginning to feel I am becoming me again. I met up with a group of people today and had a pleasant couple of hours. I am making new friends which is good as the old ones are a waste of space as I found out. Hard work trying to get back that confidence but we will get there. xx

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Pat, I live to know how people meet - very often is such a coincidence- you govto a place you never been before and the guy is there and he never been before either - it is fate!!
Sadie x

Hi flower_garden, l am sorry you feel like this. I do too l didn’t really go far without my partner but could if l wanted to but l am struggling now in groups and just with people in general. I came to the conclusion yesterday that l am never going to be the same as l was. But this thread has given me hope that maybe l could get some of my vigour back.
I am very interested in the grief cafe idea. I know l am hard on myself and maybe l am expecting too much too soon. I think also because we look like we are coping on the outside. The general consensus is that we are ’ over it '.
Take care x

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