I’m really not doing ok at the moment and I don’t know how to be, either.
It’ll be 6 months on Sunday since I lost my Dad and I can’t believe where the times gone and how I managed to make it this far. How much he has missed already, how much more is yet to come. How is it possible that it’s been 6 months tomorrow, that I last seen him? Just a flying visit too because I had so much coursework to do. I let myself into his house, filled the fridge with scallops and other groceries. Popped my head into the living room, seen he had his apprentice Paul with him so said ‘ah, I’m glad you’ve got company. I’ve filled your fridge, I canna bide cause I’ve got homework but I’ll see you on Sunday! Love you’ he said ‘Nae worries toots, thank you for my messages. Love you’. I didn’t even give him a hug. Just blew a kiss and left. I should’ve gave him a cuddle. I kick myself over the small details all the time, I just can’t help it. Tomorrow marks 6 months since I last heard from him, I’ll never forget the last message, ‘Feeling good, scallops were delicious😃 xx’ 19:12. That doesn’t sound like someone who would die a day or two later. It still hurts my heart to say those words together.
This week I have felt so overwhelmed, it feels like it’s just happened. It doesn’t help that I’ve barely been able to sleep this week either. I’ve had so much crying outbursts during the day - even when I’m trying to put a little makeup on it all just comes pouring out and then I wonder what the point in even trying is. Every time I look at myself I see my Dad and whilst others would say it’s comforting, it rips my heart to pieces sometimes.
I keep having small tiffs with my boyfriend too because he is just so clueless! I mean I know deep down I can’t really blame him because he’s never been through a loss like this… but sometimes it’s like he struggles with basic empathy. Sometimes I have to ask him for a hug and I don’t feel like that should ever have to happen. Is it because I’m just quite crap to be around just now? Is he just fed up dealing with my grief? I try to keep upbeat around others but sometimes the ‘happy mask’ can’t stay on all the time. I’m not happy and I can’t pretend.
My Dad was the best there was. I know everyone says that, but he really was, still is, will always be. He was the most active listener I’ve ever met - if I needed to talk to him about anything, it was TV on mute, turned 180 to be facing me. Full attention. Half the time when I try speak to my partner it’s like speaking to a brick wall that’s just zoned out to their phone. I just find it so sad that I have to come onto a website to talk about my feelings and situations with strangers when I live with my partner and my flatmate. Why can’t I talk to them? I’m not physically alone but I feel so so alone. I know grief is lonely, I just long for someone to share it with. Usually when people lose someone important, they have a mum/ dad/ sibling/ aunts/ uncles/ cousins etc… I have no one. Dad was my everything all in one. No one to joke about old stories with Dad. No one to listen to his music with and appreciate it too. No one I can connect with. It’s not that I haven’t tried, I’ve reached out to a couple people to be pretty much ignored.
It’ll be 6 months on Sunday, and I struggle to see how I will survive another 6 months of this especially with lockdown. Everything is just so hard at the moment. Positivity doesn’t exist in me anymore and I’m just feeling more numb as the days progress.
Sometimes my mind goes to really dark places, and I’ve not had to deal with those feelings for years. Like, would it really be such a bad thing to catch this virus and be with Dad again? What if I just disappear so I don’t need to cope with any more disappointments?
Sorry to be so down but I’m just so low and don’t know how to change it.
Any suggestions are so welcome.
Hope everyone is having a better time than me.