I came across the piece of poetry below which I posted on another thread. It seems quite fitting for this thread also. I can relate to it and I hope in time you and others will too Lynnie.
My New Companion
I have a new companion.
It is my grief.
My companion is no longer within me.
It used to define my affect and effect my every perception of the world.
My companion is now next to me, accompanying me on my journey through life.
It is with me wherever I go.
It is with me while I live my life alone.
It is with me when I do my errands, and when I return home.
It is with me when I am with family and friends.
My companion no longer cries with its gut wrenching, soulful, woeful voice.
It is quieter, still present, and now uses a softer voice.
There, like a familiar companion, with me.
Always.
It no longer haunts.
It no longer causes excruciating pain.
It no longer renders me incapable of living my life.
It is just with me.
Quietly present.
Ever present.
I am mindful of it in the mundane day-to-day living when I feel my aloneness.
I am mindful of it in the darkness and quiet of the night when I am awake and feeling my aloneness.
My companion… no longer steals my laughter, and no longer deters me from moving forward.
My companion enables me to hold onto the past while I live in the present.
My grief.
My new companion.
I have a new companion
I’m so sad to read this. We all know how difficult it is but it must be so hard with no family for support. Like you I don’t want to go out but I also don’t want to be in my lonely house all alone. I don’t want a new life , I want my old life back. I hope you have a good meeting with the mental health team today. Take care and keep talking on here with people who understand what you’re going through xx
Thank you Kate. Our experiences are very much the same. I just hope that Chris knew nothing once he’d lost consciousness. When they turned off the life support he opened his eyes and although the nurse said it was just a reaction I can’t help thinking that maybe he did wake up and was telling me not to let them switch off the machine.
The hospital sent me a diary that they’d written to Chris over while he was in ITU. They said it was something that they did for patients who were unconscious so that if they did survive they could read it and fill in the gaps and their families who weren’t allowed into the hospital could read if they passed away to know what happened. It’s very sad to read because it’s written as if they were talking to him and letting him know what was going on. The day that they told him he wasn’t going to pull through was so sad even though he didn’t know anything. I’m the only one who’s read it as my kids don’t want to.
Before I started my cake business I’d been a hairdresser for nearly 50 years so was always talking to people. Now I work alone all day in my kitchen which isn’t great but keeps me busy.
I’m so pleased that you’re slowly getting on with life although I’m sure it’s difficult at times. Sending love and hugs xx
Hi Caz
Me again - it’s only been 3 months for you and almost 10 for me so I know what stage you are going through. Please do not hide away indoors and I know how appealing that seems and it’s so much easier than facing up to life outside. I get days like that and sometimes I give myself a break and do stay in but I always manage to go out as much as I can. It’s so hard being indoors without that person who has shared most of your life. I think you’ll find if you do go out it’s nice to come
home but to stay in all the time you’ll just stagnate and feel even sadder. Come on you can do this I promise you.
Keep in touch and I’m here if you need me.
Much love
Georgina xx
Hi Lynnie
I know the loneliness really drags you down doesn’t it. Sadly, John never regained consciousness and if he had the paramedics were not sure how long he had been without oxygen so not sure how he would have responded. We are thankful he never knew anything about it and felt no pain. I have good days and sometimes I cry all day - the sadness just seems to wash over me. I am trying my hardest to improve a little each day and not pushing myself just taking each day as it comes.
We are all on this roller coaster together so we can rest assured that however lonely we feel with all the love of our family and friends, there are many out there who do not have that support and my heart goes out to them.
I think your husband probably passed away about the same time as mine. Chris had his stroke on 17th March and his life support was switched off on 21st.
Like you have bad days and some not so bad. I still break down when I have to explain to someone that my husband has died and then end up apologising profusely for crying.
This time of day is very lonely isn’t when you switch off the lights and go up to that big empty bed.
Thank you for your messages xx
I am walking round in circles, don’t want to go to my lonley bed so trying to watch a film , it’s 3 months and hurts more now than when he passed. So lost without him.
Love to you all xx
Oh Caz I know just how you feel. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I spend most of my nights watching Netflix on my iPad. I wish I could say it gets better.
Big hugs xxx
Oh Caz I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t know if it’s allowed but you can always message privately at night. I’m awake most of the night too. Please hang on in there lovely lady xx
Thank you Lynnie, i spoke to the Doc today and have an appointment this afternoon, I am usually so strong and good at coping but I had a real melt down last night.
You take care too lovley and thanks for ur support.
I’m so glad you have been able to get an appointment with your GP today - I really hope it is helpful. I was worried about you having seen your earlier post. Well done for reaching out and sorry that you couldn’t get through to the Samaritans in the night.
Please take care and know you are not alone,
Megan
Hello Lynnie1.
Thank you for thinking about me. Two male Nurses from the Crisis Team visited and were with me about an hour and a half. I went through June and my life story. Lots of notes were taken and the prescribed meds were looked at. I am being referred to another team to help me cope with everyday life. I know no more than that so far. The meds were described as low dose and I should look at them as a crutch to lean on and get me out of bed in the morning. I really don’t have a problem with that as I always wake in the early hours but I knew what they were getting at. Lots of tears were shed and being male I find that difficult and embarrassing. I break down at the least thing when I’m on the phone or speaking to neighbours male or female. I find this very tough and somewhat humiliating to be honest. It was mentioned that at six weeks my grief is still very raw and it was because I loved June so much for over 43 years that I am feeling so low and vulnerable. I was assured if I need them they and people like the Samaritans are there for me 24/7 which is a comfort for us all on this awful journey. So I’m not mad just grief stricken…
I had to go out today for provisions. I can honestly say I did not want to. I felt sick and felt physically upset at the prospect. I deliberately went as early as I could to avoid people. I cannot look at anyone in the eye and dread them asking me if I’m okay. I must have picked up a dozen items including 3 x ready meals. I’m not eating properly but a neighbour has been excellent and provided hot food several times now. I then drove to visit my Mother whose Birthday I missed yesterday because of my visitors. She was 92 yesterday. I had sent flowers yesterday from June and me thanking her for what she had done for me and that June was now in Heaven (I have no doubt June would be admitted as she was an Angel already). I cried a couple of times and drove the 25 miles back here. I refuse to call this place home.
Hi Caz3, I lost my wife of 38 years in Feb 2021, i have counselling with cruse and here in Basingstoke they have a “next step” group, its for people who want to meet up with others in the same position, They have coffee mornings, meals out as a group and other functions, I know a couple of people who have attended and they said its really good and they meet new faces I don’t know if they do this in Manchester but may be worth asking, Take Care
Hi Shiney999
I’m pleased your meeting was ok. Please don’t be embarrassed about crying. I do it all the time still but I must admit that like you I do get embarrassed and start apologising about breaking down. It’s nearly 10 months since Chris died but since new year I’ve really struggled. At first friends and family all rallied round but now I think they all assume I should be over it. I don’t think we’ll every get over it but just hope that the loneliness gets easier.
I’m pleased you went out today. It’s not easy is it? I’m really thankful to be wearing face masks. It’s something to hide behind if you want to avoid people. Just take things slowly.
Thinking of you x
Hi Tonyo
Has the councillng with Cruse helped. My GP gave me their details but I haven’t done anything about it yet. I don’t know if I’d know where to begin if I had to talk to someone.
