I don’t understand why

On the morning of Tuesday 20th April everything was normal and as it should be. Everyone was at work, I was in and out of meetings working virtually due to COVID, mom and my sister at work and my dad home as he usually was due to being disabled for nearly 20 years due to chronic nerve damage in his spine. I called him in between meetings as I would to check in with him, I was a carer but mostly a daughter who would do anything and everything for her dad. We had a chat as we would about our day, how he was (in good spirits but tired due to not sleeping well) and I said I had a meeting in a couple of minutes so I would see him later. That was the last time I will ever be able to speak to my dad and hear his voice.
My mom works late on Tuesdays, I had tried calling him back at 5pm but had no response, but gathered he was sleeping as he hadn’t slept well. I was taking my dog to the park and called my mom at 7pm as I still hadn’t heard from him she was on her way home. She called me in tears telling me to come home and I knew in my gut it was bad. Luckily my partner was driving, I was begging whatever powers were listening to just make it a fall, anything but the worst thing. My sister, mom and paramedics were there when I arrived, ‘he’s gone’.
Literally no warning, no reason why, no explanation. We’ve been told 6-8 weeks for post mortem results, so I have to say goodbye to my best friend and soulmate without knowing what has took him from me.
I’m really struggling, I’ve lost my Nan (moms side) 3 years ago next week and my Nan (Dads side) just over year ago. My family has been through so much, my dad has suffered for years with depression and pain from his nerve damage and related issues but nothing life threatening. Everyone keeps saying it’s early and it takes time, but I feel lost, I don’t want time or to learn to live with this. Every day is nightmare, I’ve never been able to consider losing anyone I love since I was little, it scares me to death and yet I find myself losing the closest person I have at 31. My dad is everything to me, he was only 59 and we have so many memories but there was so much left to do. He hasn’t seen either of his daughters get married or have grandchildren which is something he always longed for. I feel I’ve let him down, not done enough with my life or the time I had with him. We loved the football, we’ve been season ticket holders for over 20 years together, just every part of my life had him in it and I don’t know how I can carry on without him. I love him and miss him so much it hurts.

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Hello Meg

Don’t ever think you let your dad down
You loved him and shared your life with him
That’s all he probably ever wanted
As for not seeing you get married or grandchildren just think when it does happen he will be looking down

I loss my husband then 9 months later my mum died and like with your dad my mum was my best friend she supported me so much when david died without her I don’t think I would be here today !

I will be honest the heartache never goes away
But you do learn to cope with it - right now you are not at that place yet
So grieve don’t bottle up your feelings if you need to cry CRY or want to scream SCREAM
What you have already gone through you are a strong person you can cope
I never thought I was strong enough to cope with what I went through the last 2 years but you do
So when your in a bad place come on this site and talk nobody judges you say what you want and hopefully we can all support you

Sending my love
Xx

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