I don’t understand why

On the morning of Tuesday 20th April everything was normal and as it should be. Everyone was at work, I was in and out of meetings working virtually due to COVID, mom and my sister at work and my dad home as he usually was due to being disabled for nearly 20 years due to chronic nerve damage in his spine. I called him in between meetings as I would to check in with him, I was a carer but mostly a daughter who would do anything and everything for her dad. We had a chat as we would about our day, how he was (in good spirits but tired due to not sleeping well) and I said I had a meeting in a couple of minutes so I would see him later. That was the last time I will ever be able to speak to my dad and hear his voice.
My mom works late on Tuesdays, I had tried calling him back at 5pm but had no response, but gathered he was sleeping as he hadn’t slept well. I was taking my dog to the park and called my mom at 7pm as I still hadn’t heard from him she was on her way home. She called me in tears telling me to come home and I knew in my gut it was bad. Luckily my partner was driving, I was begging whatever powers were listening to just make it a fall, anything but the worst thing. My sister, mom and paramedics were there when I arrived, ‘he’s gone’.
Literally no warning, no reason why, no explanation. We’ve been told 6-8 weeks for post mortem results, so I have to say goodbye to my best friend and soulmate without knowing what has took him from me.
I’m really struggling, I’ve lost my Nan (moms side) 3 years ago next week and my Nan (Dads side) just over year ago. My family has been through so much, my dad has suffered for years with depression and pain from his nerve damage and related issues but nothing life threatening. Everyone keeps saying it’s early and it takes time, but I feel lost, I don’t want time or to learn to live with this. Every day is nightmare, I’ve never been able to consider losing anyone I love since I was little, it scares me to death and yet I find myself losing the closest person I have at 31. My dad is everything to me, he was only 59 and we have so many memories but there was so much left to do. He hasn’t seen either of his daughters get married or have grandchildren which is something he always longed for. I feel I’ve let him down, not done enough with my life or the time I had with him. We loved the football, we’ve been season ticket holders for over 20 years together, just every part of my life had him in it and I don’t know how I can carry on without him. I love him and miss him so much it hurts.

Oh lovely. I’m so so sorry you are going through this. I lost my mum very suddenly and surprisingly at 63 a couple of months ago and know EXACTLY how you are feeling. It is a horrific time and all you can do is survive the best you can and let yourself feel whatever you feel.

We are still waiting for post-mortem results too after 9 weeks which is just adding fuel to the fire :frowning: I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Xxx

I’m so sorry to read this and I can relate to much.
I too lost my dad in April very suddenly and unexpectedly to a stroke.
My parents live in walking distance from my house so I’m used to seeing them every single day of my life even if it was to just wave through the window! To lose someone who you were so so close to and love so much hurts more then anything you can imagine doesn’t it.
I do have children he luckily met but I never imagined he wouldn’t be around to watch them grow into adults.
My dad was also a very big football fan, we listened to his favourite Chelsea song with him as we sat with him at the hospital for the last time, he to was a season ticket holder and I hope once allowed again I can go and sit in his seat to watch a match and just feel close to him in that way as I used to always go with him too when I was younger.
I feel like it’s all just so unfair and have been feeling very angry at the world! I hate how you are expected to just go back out into the world and put on a brave face for work etc, when your whole world feels like it’s shattered.
I have already began counselling and although I’ve only had one session it helped so much to talk about it, I could of done it for hours! Not sure if this is something you have ever thought about and I know it’s not for everyone but talking can help just that little bit when things so unbearable.

Hi Clarkey86, the worst time imaginable nothing feels real still. Everyone keeps saying be strong but honestly for me right now just waking up and getting out of bed feels like an achievement. I’ve never had this situation before as both my Nan’s died in hospital, it’s so hard to be able to understand and process it all, we just feel like we’re in limbo. I hope you get the results soon, 9 weeks is so long to wait and thank you for the message take care xx

Hi Bem

Your message really hit me, I have pretty much the same set up. I’ve always got on so well with my parents and I brought a house with my partner down the road to be by them. I love being with them and it hurts so much that I can’t make sure he’s ok and that I didn’t go straight there after work that day. I’m the same and I know no one ever wants to lose anyone they love but he was so young, I’m still so young and everyday all I see are things I can’t tell him or do with him now.
We’re Villa season ticket holders, but he was a big sports fan in general, such a big personality and loved by so many. I sit with his Villa top and scarf watching the games at the moment so that he’s with me. He was always so proud I’d took to football and I always promised I would carry on after he left me (after the many years we thought we had left), and I will even if it will break my heart every time.
I’ve been lucky with work, my employer is helpful but I’ve been signed off for bereavement and prescribed anxiety tablets. I can’t see myself returning any time soon though I just can’t function, plus I work in HR so dealing with other peoples problems right now isn’t something I can handle.
I hate the thought of normality, all the covid stuff right now too - yes it’s things are getting better but I can’t do anything with my Dad. I can’t take him to the pub or go to a game now, and he was so looking forward to being able to go out. I hate it all and I’m so jealous of everyone who can be normal, I definitely think I’ll need to look into counselling, I know I’m not well but I know I’ve got to give myself time, it’s just so hard every day. I’m grateful to hear it’s working well for you so far, that makes me feel a little more easy about doing it and I’m so sorry for your loss too, looks like we’re in the same boat but I wish for both our sakes we weren’t xx take care

Normality feels so horrible right now doesn’t it, how we are just expected to carry on and put on a brave face when our worlds have been shattered, I find myself feeling very angry at the world and having such mixed emotions all the time. I’m pleased you have been able to be signed off though as you have to do what’s best for you and take care of yourself right now but I hope in time things can begin to be a bit easier.
I’ve always been so grateful to be so close to my family but it makes the pain worse when one of you is missing from it and being quite young I don’t have any friends who can relate to it, which I’m so pleased about that they don’t know this pain but it Just makes it harder to turn to anyone when they just really wouldn’t understand the true pain it causes.
I’ve just had a lovely cushion made up of my dads favourite football shirt with a picture of him on it too, to put in his favourite chair. It’s so lovely and I can hug it when watching the football and think of him, not that I need it for that as he is all I can ever think about from the second I open my eyes and the reality hits all over again each day. I can’t stop crying as they have been winning recently knowing how happy it would have made him. On the day we said goodbye he was up in a hospital near the stadium so me and my brother walked to it and I brought me and my dad matching tops to send with him, I now feel like although it will be hard to visit his favourite place again I’m just desperate to go and feel close to him again if that makes any sense. I hope you too will soon be able to find some comfort in things. X