I lost my husband at the end of June.(31 weeks ago) He died after being in hospital for three weeks. It started with a heart attack and he improved in the first week, enough to go onto the ward, from intensive care. But the next day he had deteriated and moved back into intensive care. He worsened during the next two weeks, when he passed away. He was only just 71 (he had his birthday in hospital) and we were together for 41 years. I have never felt pain like it and cant see the point in doing anything. I really do feel that i can’t go on without him… I feel so incredibly lost, empty, scared, angry, just heartbroken…sobbing while typing this…i just want him back but i know thats not possible.
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Sorry i meant 31 days!!!
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Hello Lostloveofmylife, I am sorry for your loss and joining us on the hard experience. It is very early days for you, I lost my Darling wife of 52 years in April 2024. The best advice I had was to take one step at a time. Deal with the administration that you have to, don’t worry about next year yet. I was lucky as I have 2 adult supportive children. I also found this site helpful. If you feel really bad please see your GP / Doctor. I have found that people who have not gone through the loss of a long term partner just do not understand what you are going through, and will soon return to their normal lives, We on here do understand as we are going through this ourselves. So come on here for a chat, a rant at the world, or a ramble with what is on your mind. We will understand and empathise with you, you may even get a few tips. Hope to hear from you soon. 
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Oh thankyou so much for your reply…even that has lifted me a little. I have been to the doctor, and have some tablets to help with sleep, appetite and general mood. Not kicked in yet. We share the most amazing daughter (she told me about this group) who has been there, so much for me, but she cant be with me 24 hours a day, she has her own little family, but the house is so so empty, quiet and lonely. I still just can’t believe he’s gone, even though his funeral was yesterday. I just don’t want to be here. I’m trying to be strong just as he told me to told me to but i am so devastated…i have never felt pain like it.
I am so sorry, i am normally s very thoughtful person, but have become selfish and badly need to talk about it but must remind myself that everyone on here is feeling the same…
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Loveofmylife, You are through the funeral, well done. I leave BBC Radio 4 on all the time as it makes the house seem less empty, even when I am out so the house is not silent when I come in. Please feel free to talk about your partner, that is what we all do on here, it helps. For example:
My sister wanted me to take her to IVS and the first project was to decorate a community place. Someone there asked my sister if we we staying to lunch and she said Rob and I will go home for lunch. From that they deduced that my sister an I were married. At a social event a few weeks later with I saw Elizabeth and asked her for a dance, she refused. Later on that evening I asked Elizabeth if she would like to go out, perhaps to the pictures. She turned her back on me and walked away. Elizabeth thought that My wife was just a few yards away when I was asking her to dance and go out. Fortunately the IVS found out that my sister was my sister and the saying " Then he chases her until she catches him" proved to be true and Elizabeth and I got married. Ramble over,
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All the messages on here are all summing up exactly how i’m feeling. My loving Husband was so very brave and dignified and i keep replaying that morning, when he passed away, in my head. He tried so very hard to get through it and come home, but was suffering so much at the end. He was able to reply when i told him i loved him, “i love you too, very much…” We were together for forty one years and he was my everything. I too have never felt pain like it. I feel lost, broken and scared. I just can’t see a life or future without him. He kept me safe, always holding my hand, he dealt with all the essential practicalities, keeping the house spotless, the car, the garden, i feel so panicky about it all.
I feel guilty going on about myself. If i’m honest, i’m so wrapped up in my own grief, i’m finding it really difficult to feel empathy for others, except our shared, beautiful, strong daughter. This is so much the opposite of who i am. I’m sorry, i seem to be weaker than some, even though my beautiful Brian told me to be strong. How can i carry on…
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Lostloveofmy life, You are not weak, We have all been in bits after our loss. Just one step at a time, that is all we can manage at a time like this. Just do that absolute essentials. Eat, Drink, Pay the bills, do the essential paperwork. Then Be Kind to yourself. Your husband would not want you to suffer like this. I try and get a happy memory with Elizabeth, OK so to start with I cried but the memory did shine through. I look at all those years we shared, our two wonderful children she gave us. Even with the pain I would not give those years up. You can carry on, from the poem / hymn Lead Kindly Light.
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
Sending you a huge Hug like from your brother.
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Thankyou for your reply… it is strangely comfortable to get a reply from someone who understands. You clearly love your Elisabeth as much as i love my Brian…
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@loveofmylife
My wife’s funeral was Tuesday , we were together 37years married 30( sorry I thought it was 34). I now live alone in our cottage and the silence came be overwhelming, I don’t like the TV on before 6.00pm and there are not many things I will watch anyway. It’s the shock and overwhelming feeling of loneliness, even when people visit and chat, inside the emptiness is all consuming and I have a permanent knot in my stomach. I cry at the least thing, today I opened the boot of the car to see one of Sallys beany walking hats , I always joked that it was not the most attractive hat she wore but it was very warm, I just broke down and sobbed again , I am permanently tired with no wish to do anything but I am back to work on Monday so that will offer a distraction in the coming weeks. I have to pray( not that I am religious) that this becomes more manageable in the coming weeks/ months . Big hugs to everyone
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Hello, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my elderly dad in May 25. I was spending as much time as i could with him up to this point. My wonderful partner of 15 years was also poorly. He had been on home dialysis for 4 years, this is a treatment taking 4.5 hours every day. I was his care partner and was with him every day. It was a juggle trying to help my dad too. Sadly he too passed away on 3rd July 25. I lost them both in the space of 6 weeks. I feel conpletely empty and numb. I am struggling so much. My adult sons have been amazing but i still try and pretend I am ok, then i hide away and cry…sonetines for hours. I know it is early days still but i really cant see life without him. I feel all the emotions you do, sad, angry, etc. I feel so much pain. I want to sleep so i can forget…just for a short time but i dont seem to be able to do that either.
Everyone says we will get there and things will get easier, I want to believe that is true. I hope we both can find a way to cope and move forward. Just know that you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal. Just take each day . Stay strong. X
To all of you who have recently lost your spouse, I offer my sincerest condolences. I am sorry your find yourselves in this horrible club of widows and widowers. It is a club we didn’t ask to join and can’t resign from. Everything about it is horrible. Everything.
However, it won’t always be this way. I promise. I am soon to be 45 weeks into widowhood and can only share my experience and hope it helps in some way.
The first 4 months are a blur. We call it the zombie or paralyzed state in another group. You will function on auto-pilot in a dense fog that swallows the light. You will have physical pain, fear, anxiety, stress, confusion, depression, panic, it is all a universal norm. You have been through a trauma and your whole being is trying to protect you.
You will forget words, be unable to make sentences or decisions. You will be exhausted, overwhelmed and feel helpless in chaos. There is no easy way out.
You won’t sleep. Four hours is about average. Slowly, it will grow to 5, then more. It is okay, you will fall asleep eventually, you can’t prevent that. So do not fret over loss of sleep.
Cry your eyes out. Take deep breaths and wipe your tears, The onslaught of tears and the physical pain will ease.
Here is what you do for now:
Pay the bills on time, feed yourself and all the mouths in the house and rest. Everything can wait. You have no appetite, also normal, but make yourself eat something, even something small - but nutritious - three times a day.
Try to maintain your hygiene habits.
Live hour by hour. Do not think of the future lost as you will grieve it in real time. Don’t borrow tomorrow’s sorrow.
Yes, you are lost. Your life as you knew it is gone. Over. Nothing will ever be the same. It sucks. You have to create a new life, you aren’t the same person you were. It hurts. Really, we don’t know who we are anymore.
There is a loss of confidence. It will be hard to make decisions and for me, to drive a car for 3 weeks. Hard to shop for groceries.
After the 4th month, the fog begins to lift, paperwork is either completed or in progress. By month 6, you no longer cry at the grocery store and may even start cooking again. You won’t be a social butterfly, and it will be hard to promise anyone a future lunch or dinner as you are on a roller coaster of emotions in a tornado.
It will pass.
For now, select a notebook specifically for things you need to remembers: numbers, names, dates, places. Also in that notebook write a list of 5 things you must do each day. Do them, check them off the list. It is a visual reminder that you are, in fact, functioning. Sometimes just taking a shower counts as one. You will get 35 things done in a week, 150 in a month.
Baby steps. Hour by hour.
I personally found it very helpful to corral all my essentials, glasses, keys, wallet, phone, etc., to a tray. By keeping it all there, I do not have to search all over in a blind panic.
I kept a chopped salad, chicken salad, boiled eggs, crackers, chopped fresh fruit, nuts and raisins at the ready so it was not hard to eat 3 things a day. Yes, a handful of cashews counts.
Do not drink alcohol or eat junk food. Both cause sugar highs and lows, depression and have no nutritional value. You must feed your wounded body very well.
At 45 weeks, I have purged most of the house of excess, had a new roof installed, had the exterior painted, lots of delayed maintenance projects completed, been to a celebration, been to dinner with my husband’s sister, drove out of my comfort zone, and am going to Rome to be at St… Peter’s Mass on the anniversary on my husband’s death.
Scared, but doing it. Learning to face the fear and do it anyway.
Learning to live with the loss. Have a routine, a handle on all the things it once took two people to do.
I am no longer sad when I come home to quiet house. I’ve adapted and accepted that my husband will not be here. I still have trouble wrapping my head around the “forever” or that my husband actually died. Was it yesterday or 100 years ago since I saw him? Sometimes, I wonder was it all real.
You will all see more okay days than awful ones. Probably around 10 months. The firsts of everything will be painful, but you will get through them too.
My husband’s funeral was on my birthday, followed by Halloween, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Mardi Gras, our anniversary, Easter, July 4th. All a blur because I treated the days like any other.
If someone asks is there is anything they can do, and there is something you need done or help with, say “yes”. They want to do something, anything to help you. Let them.
Much love.
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I am so truly sorry. I am here if you want to chat or vent!
Take care
I’m so sorry for your loss, nothing worse when you think they are getting better only to lose them in an instant, like you my husband was in hospital having had pneumonia we were messaging each other as I was going to see him in the afternoon wanted to know if he wanted anything bringing in, then that awful phone call to say he had just passed away I have read his messages time and time again trying to find sort of ? it’s two years since he died and I’m no nearer coming to terms with it, take as long as you need to grieve cry, rant do whatever makes you feel better, sending hugs x
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Thank you so much for your article. It is so true I feel all those things and feel so alone. One day like today for me, you think I’m not too bad and the sun is shining it is a lovely day then BOOM a thought pops into your mind. Mine today was of his pacemaker! Where that came from I don’t know. I put my hand up near my collar bone that is where his was. When he died they asked my permission to take it out! I had to make these decisions on my own. Why do things like this suddenly pop into your mind and hurt so much? 25 weeks on Tuesday since he left me he tried not to but I can see now how poorly he was. But that does not make me feel any better. Again thank you for your notes they do help even though I am upset I realise I am not going mad it is normal. Thank you.
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Sorry for your loss. Our undertaker asked my permission to take out my wife’s Deep Brain stimulator, which the part with the battery is similar to a pacemaker. He said that they were not aloud to go ahead with the cremation with it in. It is strange what upsets you, simple things like coming across the tablet organiser was one of the thing that surprised me. Hopefully the next thing you come across will make you smile.
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