I don't know how to go on

I’m 37, just turned in January. My Mum passed away on 14th February 2023, aged 70. Although she was ill in HDU, I really never expected her to not recover again as she had repeated infections over the last few years following a bowel operation in March 2020 leaving her with a stoma bag. She had narrow blood vessels and needed regular transfusions of Magnesium and Antibiotics, they had to put hickman lines in regularly, which led to the infections. She already had chronic kidney disease which often led to acute kidney injury. There was always a risk of Sepsis at some point. This is what happened, they also found a blood clot had broken away from her heart to her spleen causing her terrible back pain and an infection in her heart which made her heart valves leaky. She was in hospital for 6 days the final time. I feel traumatised by how it happened, she became very confused the Tuesday before over the phone and I rushed to be with her and got her help. I keep wishing I’d gor it days earlier, although people are convinced it wouldn’t have made a difference to the outcome.

My Mum and I were all each other had. She did everything for me even after I moved out. We went to events and shows together. She was fiercely protective because I was born with Cataracts and I was her only child. My world ended on 14th February. My life and rotines have gone. I used to stay the week in my flat, go to my volunteering and go to hers at weekends. We were never off the phone really during the week, phoned for any little thing or just when we were bored. We had a last call at night before going to sleep. I’d meet her if she was coming in to town for any appointments.
My Dad died 10 years ago, I have no siblings and no family of my own.
I have one Auntie left and she’s hard and has shown me no emotional support or physical comfort. I have Cousins, but they mostly don’t bother and the ones who do are very intermittent. Their lives just carried on, they’ve not been affected by the passing of my Mum and they either don’t realise or don’t care how badly affected I am.
I have had lots of support from our neighbours in the community where my Mum lived and where I was raised and went to at weekends. One of the neighbours is still a daily ongoing support as are two Cousins and I have a few friends who are supportive, but I am very aware they have their own lives, jobs, partners, families, etc. and they’re not able to be there all the time either physically or online.
Many people just expect me to go back to normal, but my normal is gone, my life has changed forever and I’ll never be the same again.
I never felt lonely or on my own when my Mum was here as she was just a call or a bus ride away, she was there for me and me for her 24/7. I can’t stand being alone in my flat, or anywhere now because she’s no longer a call away. I feel I have to be in company or places with people around as I find I function a little better. My Mum is constantly on my mind even when I’m with others. My life feels so pointless and meaningless without her, like nothing matters. I find it hard to care about myself, or feel motivated. I have little appetite and don’t really care if I eat or not. I can’t cook anyway, she looked after me. She was the main person in my life, my anchor, the only one who really cared and worried about me, it’s hard knowing there’s now nobody else who I mean everything to.
I can’t cope with not being able to see, speak, hear, touch, feel or smell her again. I feel like she only meant something to me because everyone else is able to carry on their lives.
I keep thinking of all the things we won’t do now together, and all the the things she’ll miss out on.
I keep being told I won’t always feel like this and I will be happy again, that she’d want me to be happy.
I can’t imagine feeling excitement again or looking forward to anything.
People are largely a disappointment, I feel I could only rely on my Mum for everything, including doing anything with me and going places.
I’ve never been so affected by death since losing her. I keep wondering things like if she can see me and will I see her again when my time comes.

I don’t know what my life is without her now cause I’ve lost the reason for my whole existence.
People think I’m doing amazing, but they can’t see my inner thoughts and turmoil. They just seem to see what they want to see for fear I become reliant on them I think.

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People are largely a disappointment

I agree with this because mostly they are not your loving mother. that is the sad fact one must face when losing parents.

mine are gone and I learned this … and have retreated as people cannot, understandably, care about me as my mother and father did.

Nature can be harsh! Take time to develop yourself and think on new relationships that will come with time, if you let it. To shut down altogether for years is not advisable. Think of what she would want for you and after a long grief, head in that direction. But take it one step at a time at your own pace.

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I’m getting out all the time even to sit in a café because of suddenly hating my own company and being alone.
I feel like I’ve lost my identity, like I belong to nobody now, I felt I belonged to my Mum and that I mattered.

I’m a terrible over-thinker. I keep thinking about birthdays, Christmas, etc. Everything that will be very different now.
The first Mother’s Day was very tough. I don’t even feel I’m getting through things. It’s all so surreal, like an outer body experience, or a nightmare that I’m yet to be woken up from.

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Great description. I too feel so odd in my life now without my husband. It’s the fact that they aren’t in the world anymore and there is no guarantee that we will see them again when we die. So it’s such a horrendous feeling. I’m not sure if we will ever feel better or hopefully just not as bad. I know humans are good at adapting even if we don’t want to. The thing is we really don’t have any other choice, do we?

Nearly everything you say resonates with me though so I guess it’s normal. Unfortunately x

Hi @Jan86 and I’m so sorry for your loss.
I can understand the devastation you are feeling having lost your dear mum who was your world.
I lost mum 6 months ago and the first 3 months were horrendous. I felt completely alone and had no real support apart from my partner and son. My friends disappeared after the initial shock.
Grief is such a lonely journey, but since I found this forum it has helped enormously and I have made some good friends along the way. We are here for each other and understand what we are going through.
I miss mum terribly still and always will, but the one thought that keeps driving me forward is that I have to go on for her sake and live my life for her. I’m sure in time you will realise this too.
Post here whenever you feel the need to chat/vent/ rant whatever.
Sending love and strength.x

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Hi @Jan86,

I thought I would reply to your thread and say you are not alone in regards to what your are feeling and going through.

What you have writing directly emulates a lot of what I been going through myself. I can see we are similar in age and both of our Mums were around the same age. I am just a tad bit older as i will be turning 38 next month.

Like you I have been having the same thoughts about can she still see me, the same feelings about never seeing, speaking and so forth with her again.

Like your Mum, I had the same close relationship, whilst I live by myself i would see her on every opportunity i could, but would call or text her all the time even if it was just because either she or I was bored. So the absence of her seems greater. We would do lots together as well.

I am a few weeks ahead of you in terms of this journey but understand you are not alone in terms of understanding this and reacting to this.

The manner of our Mums deaths does vary, my mum passed away unexpectedly after developing a blood clot which went to her lungs whilst she was in hospital waiting on surgery to pin a broken elbow caused by tripping over a damaged bit of pavement. So for us no warning as there was no other health concerns in regards to My mum. We also had to deal with the sad and horrible coincidence that the day she passed was actually her birthday as well. Hopefully you will have an easier journey understanding how she passed compared to my family, as we are currently dealing with an inquest into death, which has been pushed back once already, but has already provided some troubling and horrible information which seems to indicate the items were missed in her care, what we dont know if this would of have any material impact in regards to saving her life. That is still to come.

What I have found which may help you, is like you I spoke or texted my mum evey day. I have found writing a letter to her eveyday telling her what I am feeling, or what has happened to me that I would of told her on the phone. It is no way near the same but it has helped me a bit so i can say in some manner I am stll sharing my life with her, but I also are able to get some of my feelings out.

Remember you are not alone, everyone here is friendly and wllling and able to try and help or even listen.

Hugs
Rachel

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I am sorry for all of your loss. It must be even harder with having children and explaining things to them.

I often feel if I had my own family it would give me something to focus on and something to live for. On my own I just feel the world is now a lot lonelier, colder and more scary.

I also struggle to sleep, often I watch TV on the sofa and fall asleep at some point. I don’t like going to bed anymore. I never went to bed the night she was admitted as the doctor phoned twice to speak to me about how critical those 24 hours were and he needed her to get through them and then he phoned back to ask about her quality of life when she’s well. I just felt sick with nerves all night and really felt like just getting a taxi to the hospital although I was frightened.
It’s not even a relief not to worry about her anymore, it’s just the continuing shock that I’ve actually lost her. I really did think I’d have a few more years with her, although I have been accused by my Auntie of being in denial as she says Mum was too, but I think things are easily said afterwards and I don’t believe my Auntie actually thought she was going to die either until the last few days before it happened.
My Mum would be heartbroken at how I’ve been treated by most of them since she died.
It makes me think I really have to get used to the fact I am on my own now without her.

I’m not sure of anyone’s locations, but if anyone would like to meet up in person, I would really appreciate that.

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Hello, I’m sorry to hear about your lovely Mum passing. I lost my Mum on the 27th December 2022 at 5.10 pm. I’m not sure I even heard what the nurse was telling me over the phone. Mum was 81, living with Alzheimer’s and had gone into Hospital on the 22nd with an infection. I thought the phone call was to tell me she was being discharged as that morning that was the plan. I too can’t believe she has gone. I have a sister, a husband, children and friends but knowing Mum isn’t here anymore is unbearable. I hope it gets easier over time. I identify with how you are feeling completely. When you love someone that much the loss is immense. Those who tell us to move on quickly are either heartless or have never known the love we did and have. Our Mums are waiting for us in the next room. We will see them again I truly believe that. Jules x

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Hi, I’m sorry things are so rough for you at this difficult time. Everyone’s grief journey is their own so don’t feel obliged to be anywhere near ‘normal’. It sounds like you had a wonderful, warm relationship with your Mum. Part of your grief journey will be feeling blessed that you had such a Mum to love and care for you. You have been so fortunate to have had her. Sadly this doesn’t make the loss any easier, but perhaps you will find strength in your memories. I lost my Mum in January and I am trying hard to keep remembering what she would want me to do, ‘smile, love and go on’… Best wishes as you navigate this difficult journey xx

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@Julest I’m so sorry. It is helpful having people who understand. I thought if I had my own family it would help take away the loneliness element, company at home because I just can’t stand that she’s not at the end of the phone and can call her anytime. There’s really nobody else I can do that with.
People are messaging and checking in less often, so the loneliness is getting worse. I go out to be where people are but I’m often still alone.
I’m meeting an elderly friend tomorrow I know from my voluntary work, but she’s not much company, it’s like being on your own with someone else there and she’s not so hot on the walking front so we need to sit down a lot, so it makes it pointless going anywhere, not that I’m interested in much anyway. I used to like going round shops, charity shops, I couldn’t care less now and she isn’t interested either due to needing to sit constantly.

People want me to take up cooking lessons, for the social side too. I seem to do anything just not to be alone but don’t have a lot of interest, even when people are speaking sometimes it’s going over my head like I’m in a trance like state and I burst into tears every time I tell anyone that she’s died and when :broken_heart:

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@Rosiepink Everything just feels so raw. People keep saying she would hate me to be so unhappy, but I can’t feel anything else right now. People expect miracles or something. Maybe if I had anything or anyone else to focus on or provide a distraction I would be able to please people and be “normal” again, but my normal left my life on 14th February and my whole life and routines changed so it’s expecting the unexpectable to me. People make me feel angry sometimes and then I feel they’re probably not the right people for me to be around :confused:

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What you describe is all completely normal and understandable… you are grieving and you must take the time to process all your feelings. As the days go on you will develop a new routine for yourself. I have found that being busy provides distraction but it doesn’t eliminate the grief. Perhaps speaking with a counsellor might help you to manage your feelings? Sadly, now that you’ve suffered this awful loss the only way is onwards, moving forward. Xx

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I got a message from my Auntie in the middle of the night after she’d spoken to the second cousin who is showing me support, but I still feel she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. She manages to carry on with her life as if my Mum necer existed and as if I don’t exist. Her family seem to be around her a lot more than usual and I just feel excluded.
The second cousin, neighbour and friends who are bothering with me have their own lives and families.
I just have nothing. I haven’t gone back to my voluntary work yet although it’ll be a distraction. Part of me wants to and the other part of me just doesn’t.
Our old neighbour believes a network of friends will help.
I really wish I didn’t live alone anymore, especially in the evenings and at night, there’s just something about having someone else there, I liked it if Mum ever stayed and I liked going to hers at weekends, it’s what I did since having my flat, I lived with her full time up until late 2018. I hardly ever go to bed and if I manage to fall asleep, it’s on the couch watching TV.
My phones have never been so quiet since my Mum’s been gone, they both definitely rang more when she was here. It speaks volumes of how much we were in contact.
I keep waiting for her to ring and I keep wanting to ring her. The no phone calls is just as hard as not seeing her.
I went past the hospital on the bus to go to a retail park and it felt strange not getting off to go in to see her as that became so much a part of my life with her being in every few weeks and then home for a few weeks, usually 6, sometimes less, sometimes more.
I feel angry with the GP for not seeing her and angry with the first ambulance for not taking her, although I know it’ll make no difference now.
I’m hoping to attend a bereavement group from next week if I can get a lift and I’m waiting for Cruse counselling although I know their helpline is there too. I am hoping it will help. People have no idea what my head is like. I feel like a child without her. I don’t feel equipped to live without her and I don’t know what I’m living for without her, I have nothing to live for without her, she was just everything. My existence feels pointless without her.
Weekends are the worst and the loneliest now I’m not going to hers. I have started going to a local church service to be around people.

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honey, this is my situation EXACTLY. orphan, only child, doted upon now lost in the world. only relatives in another country. even my career lapsed. I joined a singles group at a lovely church. much older than me but they are SO kind to me. they even encourage me that I might find a partner. I also love astronomy and those club members are intelligent and welcoming. I have a few caring friends. I must live on. I must. my parents invested too much in to me to end badly. keep on … you are not alone in trying to survive a very trying time.

I am in my 6th year since she passed. it has been HARD. but I must live out my life. they would want me to! :heart:

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@Jan86 im sorry to hear about your mum , sending you love & prayers, I lost my nan June 2022, she was fine one day in feb 2022 next day she was in hospital confused not able to walk & sit up & diagnosed with a uti & dementia & told she had 6-12 months to live they discharged to assess in a care home by June after 3 trips to the hospital for chest infection & covid as the care home didn’t treat her right we get a call to get there but half way there we got the call that she’s gone , it’s been 10 months but it still hurts & I just feel numb at times none of the family bothered to ask how we are & if we needed anything etc there’s just me & my mum & my brother lives up north my aunt isnt talking to us like she did when nan was alive, I took bereavement support group with mind & they put me onto a peer support worker to help & they helped with bereavement counselling with wecan , most are only 4-9 weeks but they only help once it’s been 3 months , but it really helps talking face to face with someone & getting goals set out & finding ways to help with grief,

@berit Do you ever think she can still see you and hear you? I wonder if I’ll see her again when my time comes. It’s all I’ve ever wondered since she’s been gone.

I’ve never been out so much since she’s been gone. I used to be so chilled, leisurely. Going to my voluntary work two days a week, meeting people other says, seeing Mum wherever she had to come to town in the week and then at hers at weekends. The rest of the time just liked my TV and computer, was quite content. Now I’m out even when I’m not meeting people, sitting in cafe’s or on benches with my thoughts, sometimes in tears, a bundle of nerves and anxiety.

few people in the world know for certain if there is an afterlife, to see or hear us. this is an age-old question. after it happened, I grossly thought to push myself back to swimming, life, etc., as I was holed up caregiving for so long. I was so ignorant of the massive seismic shift now happening in my life. it was only this year, she passed in 2016, that I really moved more forward, consistently. but I will admit, as my career progress goes back to a standstill, and I have no partner to get back into life, I am regressing. I forgot how far along you are. but it takes at least one year to inch forward, if you were so very close. and without a partner, one falls into the realm of grief, depression and mourning. like my dad said, life is for the living. there is no option but to care for yourself, no booze, lots of water as grief is dehydrating, counseling, grief support, and gentle others, meaning kind, peaceful people and not any raucous types. allow time to heal. one must go through the grieving process and embrace it otherwise you will have held up Nature that must complete its cycle. this is my experience in hindsight. p.s. I have friends who swear by their supernatural experiences so there is that.

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@berit I’m two months into this agonising journey. I have nothing in my life. I volunteer in a shop and I haven’t gone back to that yet, people keep saying I should cause it’ll keep me busy, but I can’t seem to bring myself to, not yet if ever. I planned to leave when the Manager retires at the end of this year anyway.
We spent a lot of time on days out and going to shows and events. She was very reliable and loyal. I doubt they’ll be anyone in my life like it again.
It’s like someone just took a massive bomb to my life and I woke up not knowing who I am anymore.

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when my dad died, it was like someone struck me with a 2x4 plank of wood, leaving me for dead on the side of the road. a shadow rose leaving my body laying flat as I had to care for my aged grieving ailing mother. I know the feeling. two months is NO time at all. your nerves are shot. I could not reenter the world as my nervous system could not handle people, lights, traffic. but I could be with close friends and grief support. in fact, I would go to my friends house at 2pm and sit there ALL day. leaving at 10pm. don’t be busy. this is not a break-up. it is the greatest loss of your life. you might do well to drop the “I should do this or that …” and just cocoon. I gave myself permission to do exactly as I pleased. this was my grief journey and no one was going to tell me what to do. no shoulds. drink a lot of water. I did light walking. my mom+s friend would get me and we would walk her dog. time passed. you will find your path, too. don’t forget grief classes if you can find one. I felt such comfort being with other grievers. we were going through the same horrible thing.

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