I don't know how to move on a

I lost my mum back in 2007 she found out she had cancer October 17th and she passed away on xmas eve the same year and it broke me I’d never felt pain like it - everyone says time heals but it still hurts today as much as it did when she passed. I was with her when she passed. Anyway my first marriage broke down in 2015 after id left the family home I met a new man and we got married 17 weeks after meeting and we moved nearer his family then in 2017 my eldest sister found out she had cancer and she passed away very quickly after her diagnosis - it was about 4 or 5 weeks from her finding out she had cancer and her passing (again I was with her when she passed) weve always been a close family and ill be honest I never thought losing a sibling would affect me so badly Ive suffered with depression since I was 13 and after my sister passed I literally shut down and would spend days just laid in bed not talking to anyone Im not quite that bad anymore I have at least made friends where I live now but only a couple. Then in 2019 my other older sister passed away after a long stay in hospital her organs failed and shut down again that pain numbness Id felt with my mum and oldest sister engulfed me and I felt so lost all over again then in July 2019 my dad passed away after a stroke - I felt so numb and lost after their deaths and it hasnt got any better as time goes on. I find it difficult to talk about their passing and its like Im numb to everything like Im on a roundabout just going round n round like Im watching my life from the sidelines, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and put back with pieces missing. I am sobbing my heart out while writting this and it can be the slightest thing that sets me off one of their birthdays, or anniversary of their deaths. Funeral or a song they liked comes on the tv or radio and thats it floods of tears and that pain, hurt of losing them comes flooding back. I never for one moment thought that losing my parents or sisters would affect me so badly or hurt quite so much. I watch people going on with their lives and daily activities and I wonder how they can carry on when I feel like Im stuck. Ive lost interest in everything I used to enjoy and cant concentrate on anything.
Im plagued by nightmares where Im in a field its dark, wet and cold and I can hear my sister calling my name and banging on her coffin begging me to help her but I can’t find her I can just hear her. I waken up terrified crying and cold but drenched in sweat. I want to move on I want to enjoy th e little things again but I don’t know how. I feel so sad, angry, hurt, lost, emotional, numb, broken hearted, scared, and guilty all the time. Please any advice greatly appreciated. I’ve had bereavement counselling a few times and although it seems to help initially after a few weeks I go back to feeling so sad and lost again within weeks of the sessions ending. Thank you for reading any advice greatly appreciated xx

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@Teacupunicorn I am so sorry for your losses. I had tears by the time I finished reading. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it has been for you. I am so sorry that you’ve had to suffer so much pain.
Do you work? Do you have any daily routine? Do you have close friends who supports you?
You have so many emotions to deal with, I think it may be useful to have on-going counselling/therapy for the time being. I don’t think a few sessions is sufficient for the amount of losses you’ve suffered.
I’m in the very early stages of grieving. I lost my mum on 30th April then my dad passed away 26th May. I find that distraction helps a little bit. I’ve been working from home. I took a week off initially after my mum passed and I turned into a zombie. It was so overwhelming, I didn’t know how to survive it.
Is there some local volunteering work that you can get involved with? Sometimes, helping others also helps us.
Sending you big big hugs xx

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@Ang2 Thank you for your kind message and I’m so sorry for your losses, must be so difficult losing them both so close together.
I’m disabled so I don’t work. I only really have my husband and son close by then its just my husbands family and then my next door neighbour I have got close to her shes become my best friend. I dont really know anyone else nearby my other family lives over 150 miles away my daughters grandchild nieces and nephews etc so i see them when i can but its not just round the corner.
I used to enjoy crafting so recently Ive been trying to get back into my crafting.
Daily routine not really some days I cant deal with anything and just stay in bed all day. I’m also disabled I use a wheelchair etc I have no self confidence or anything.
I am on a cocktail of meds for pain and depression and often have trouble sleeping. I just feel so weak for not coping.
Thank you for messaging me
Sending you lots of hugs youre so brave xx

@Teacupunicorn
Dear Teacupunicorn I am so very sorry , I wish I could say something to help or ease your pain but I don’t know if I have the right words.
I referred myself on the NHS website for talking therapy and I got help within two weeks. I had six sessions and I could have continued but I felt they had helped me as much as they could. Maybe that would be of help to you. It is over the phone , fortnightly ,so you don’t have to go out and face anyone, which
suited me.
I do hope that you begin to feel slightly better and are in less pain.
Your neighbour sounds a lovely person, I also have a neighbour that has been my lifeline, I am lucky to have her as I have no one else apart from a few friends but I don’t see them every week. I lost my best friend in March this year, five months after loosing my husband. She was my rock when i lost him and It was such a shock when she passed away suddenly.
I lost a lot of confidence and would not leave the house alone but thanks to my therapy I have started to be able to go out alone again for walks and shopping.
Sending you strength and a big hug xx

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@Alir
I’m so sorry for your losses that must be very difficult for you. I am glad talking therapy have helped you and I will get in touch with them and see if they can help. Yeah over the phone suits me too so it sounds good. Yes my neighbour had become my best friend and shes ace she really does help me alot.
I find as an adult its so difficult to make friends if I didn’t have my neighbour it can be weeks where I don’t see anyone except my husband and son.
Who don’t get me wrong theyre both ace but my husbands cousin was murdered last year and my son has issues of his own and theyre my rock too but I don’t like to worry them so keep alot bottled up.
Id love to make some more friends near where I live but haven’t got a clue where to start.
Every day just seems the same and before I know it the day haas passed again and all I’ve done is cry and worry about stuff.
I’m glad you’re starting to go out again. Keep healing and I’m sending you big hugs xxx

@Teacupunicorn
Thank you for your kind reply. I agree, it seems so much harder to make friends as you get older. People tell you to join clubs but when your confidence is rock bottom it is easier said than done.
I am sure there must be lots of people who feel the same way. At least you have your neighbour, husband and son and I have my neighbour and friends.
I don’t drive so have to rely on others all of the time, which makes me feel I am a nuisance needing a lift so I can go out. Most of the nice places to go for a coffee or lunch are not on a bus route so it means I always need collecting and dropping off. The friends that I have still work and have families so I don’t get to see them on a regular basis, just once a month or so.
I do hope you are able to get a place on the talking therapy .
Sending you very best wishes and love xx

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@alir
Yeah exactly with the way I feel I could never join a club but yeah I hear that all the time.
I was late doing driving lessons and only passed my test just after turning 40 but it was the best thing i ever did so if you can do your lessons go for it.
I used to feel a pain when I couldn’t drive but honestly if they’re giving you a lift they don’t mind doing it.
I have rung up about some therapy so hopefully ill hear back from that soon.
Hope you’re ok?
Sending love and hugs xxxxx

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I’ve just renewed my provisional licence after letting it lapse before having passed my test almost 20 years ago.

I relied on my partner to take me everywhere, and work close to home so didn’t need to drive. He was always laughing at me for being almost 40 and not being able to drive. We used to spend holidays going on city breaks in the UK much more since Covid and I will miss that so much moving forwards. I loved him driving us places and being able to go to places in the countryside to be outdoors in nature. Learning to drive will be a way to carry on the wonderful times we had together doing that and will be a way for me to not feel so trapped at home now that it’s just me.

I like to think that he would be sighing and shaking his head mockingly looking down seeing that it’s taken something so awful to kick me into gear to do this after so long.

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@Teacupunicorn
Thank you. Yes, not too bad thanks, just plodding along.
I went shopping with my neighbour yesterday, which was nice and today I have had to go to the Docs. It is a lovely walk to get there so I didn’t mind and the sun came out, bonus.
I don’t think I have the confidence to learn to drive if I am honest. I do have my provisional licence as when I was in my thirties I had lessons but didn’t like them. Wish I had carried on now.
I hope you are doing o.k and manage to get some therapy sorted out.
Sending hugs xx

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@G1983
Good luck with your driving. It will be so nice, and as you said, you will be able to visit the lovely places you both went to.
Your partner will be proud of you. xx

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I hope so. I feel I owe it to him to keep doing the things we did.

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I am so sorry to read what you posted. It’s so unfair all those losses you have had to bear - please look after yourself as much as you can and know that what you are feeling is completely justfiable. I do think some more therapy would be good for you.
Last year, I lost my mother and that has been bad enough for me but what you have faced is so much more. Horrid!

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@G1983
How are you doing?
Yeah I got my provisional for my 17th Birthday with the intentions of passing my test asap but it didnt happen until 2015 my mum would have been so proud of me. I love having the freedom of having a car and being able to go wherever I want.
Awww he will be so proud of you and thats good to carry on your trips. I love animals and nature except spiders lol Im terrified of spiders.
Ive just found out a good friend of mine has passed away why is it all the good ones are taken way too soon!!!
Makes you look at things differently and just wonder why sometimes!! Xx

@Alir
How are you??
We have been having some lovely weather lately.
I hope the Drs appointment was nothing serious.
Because of my nerve damage I can only drive automatic which is so much easier than manual.
Maybe do a lesson and see how you feel afterwards. I totally understand confidence holding you back I lack confidence so much and it holds me back on so many things.
I am doing ok, I am just taking one day at a time but yeah I’m ok - I am actually starting to feel more happier than I have done in a long time - obviously some days are a massive failure but I have started making phone calls etc and sorting things out which is a start.
I have been to the Drs and they have referred me for counciling, so thats good!!!
Sending hugs and love xx

@Sandranista

How are you??
Im sorry for your loss.
Thank you its helping being on here and realising that my feelings are normal and that Im not just a lost cause.
I have been referred for councilling.
Its strange but just knowing my feelings are normal and talking to people who really understand is amazing.
I hope you are ok? And are coping with everything?? Xx

@Teacupunicorn
Hello, nice to hear from you. I am not doing too bad, thank you. I did feel I was slipping backwards a bit as had quite a few days of crying and no motivation. A very dear friend of mine who lost her husband 22 years ago gave me some good advice. She said that it was bound to happen as my husband’s illness started round about this time last year so I must go with the grief and not worry about crying as it will run it’s course.
I am so pleased to hear you are starting to feel happier and are able to start sorting things out. As you said, it is one day at a time. It doesn’t matter if you have a bad day , the good days are still waiting for you when you are ready.
Great news about the counseling, I hope it goes well and helps you.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on.
Take care and sending big hugs xxxx

@Teacupunicorn I’m keeping on trying to keep on going I suppose. Have my licence through and I’ve bought a theory book to study, so that’ll be a distraction for the next while to get organised for the theory test and then get lessons organised. I’m going to go and stay with my parents for a while in the summer so that I can practise and also just so that I’m not here by myself. I found myself in the kitchen today getting upset looking at the coffee maker when I remembered us buying it on the spur of the moment when on a trip to Glasgow one weekend. We had to lug it around all day until we went back to the car. It’s all the little things that seem to get to me most.

I’ve been keeping getting out and about with friends, and the sunny days make me feel better. But at the same time you see people happily going about their lives, and it just reminds me how much mine is not completely altered. I’ve not got anything planned for today. I’ve just been pottering, doing washing and finally making some progress with putting away his washing from three weeks ago that has sat for ages with me trying to organise myself to put it into the wardrobe. I’ve worn at lot of it myself, so there’s less to put away. I feel close to him wearing his shirts or jumpers or tee shirts. At least being that we were similar sizes I can just steal most of his things.

I just feel I want to run away and start again somewhere. The thought of going back to work fills me with anxiety. I don’t want everyone looking at me thinking about what happened. I’d love to just go away and try to get on with what’s left of this “life” without the difficulty of going back to work that i feels like I’m going to have to surmount right now.

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@Alir
Hi, awww sending you great big hugs and lots of love and support.
Yes of course your friend is right, cry when you need to bottling it up really isn’t good believe me I know when it eventually explodes its the worst feeling and its better to let it all out whenever you feel the need to.
With me it can be hearing one of their funeral songs or a memory and then bang the tears start now I just go with it and have a little cry whenever I feel the need.
I’ve got a councilling appointment next month its the waiting times like everything else there are delays.
I have fibromyalgia and I’ve just had a bad flare up so really struggling with pain at the moment.
My nightmares are really bad again at the minute I think its because its coming up to my sisters and my dads anniversaries of their deaths in July - Im becoming really emotional and just struggling in general.
I had a few good days where I felt stronger and started to do stuff but then this last few days I’ve really struggled.
So you really do have my sympathy cos the grief can just wash over you at any time and its better to let it out.
I hope you are feeling as ok as can be and that your motivation is starting to come back.
Im still just taking each day as it comes and I’m sorting out my craft stuff and I’m gonna start my crafting again - I’m hoping it will help as it is something I love doing.
Do you have any hobbies??
Yes I still find it hard around the time of when they were diagnosed or their illness got worse :confused: it can be so difficult to get past it at times especially when the diagnosis and death were such a short time - barely had time to process their illness before they were gone.
My councilor has said she wants me to have some CBT therapy and one to one councilling sessions - I have said yes I will give whatever a try.
Yes course I will and please you keep in touch as I want to know how youre getting on too.
One day at a time for both of us, we will get through it.
Take care
Big hugs and love xxxx.

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@G1983
Hope you’re OK?
Well done and good luck, I hope you enjoy learning and the freedom it will give you.
Do your parents live far from you.
Im in North Lincolnshire
Thats good it means you won’t be on your own.
Its the little things isn’t it that seem to have the most effects on us. My husband got some little lilliput lane ornaments from his mum and my mum used to have loads (but my little sister (we don’t speak) sold them all along with all her cross stitch stuff) and hubbies mum had one that my mum had and I just sat sobbing clutching it, felt such an idiot afterwards.
Hopefully we will both start to see these as happy memories and smile instead of crying.
I have memory boxes where I keep things that I have either bought for their birthdays / christmas etc or little things that I have that make me think about them. Keyrings or little ornaments or those tiny little memory poem things that you can get in card shops along with the booklet from their funerals and things that I got from them or that was theirs and from time to time I get them out - I usually cry but I find it helps me having these boxes that I can get out or add to when I want.

Thats good the worst thing you can do is stay in I did that and my neighbours on the right a little old couple became really worried because they never saw me.
My neighbours on my left have over time become my best friend and along with my husband have become my rocks I don’t know what I’d do without them to be honest.
I know what you mean sometimes I people watch and see everyone happy and getting on with their lives and I feel like I’m so broken-hearted, numb and my life feels like theres no point to it.
I have just found out a good friend of mine from my past has killed himself and its hit me so badly to know he was hurting so bad and nobody knew, how bad must he of been feeling to do that.
I could never take my own life after experiencing the pain I feel after losing my parents and 2 sisters to illness and knowing they didn’t want to go. I could never make someone feel that pain from taking my own life but to do that the person must feel so bad, so low and lonely. Its so tragic.
I think Id do the same if my husband and I were the same size to be honest. I bet feeling close to him gives you some comfort and there is nothing wrong with that. Have you heard of memory bears I dont know if you like teddy bears I personally collect them my husband buys me Charlie bears I have quite a collection now but I also have lots of other bears that my children and grandaughter have bought me over the years, anyway you can get memory bears made from special clothes such as prom dress, wedding dress, christening gown or a loved ones clothing and can be made from just one item or from a few items of clothing - look on the internet if its something you’re into.
I have some of my sisters and dads ashes and Im thinking of getting a piece of jewellery made using some of their ashes.

Is it possible for you to move somewhere else??
Don’t go back to work to soon make sure you take all the time you need don’t rush into things.
I can understand your anxiety I don’t work because of my disabilities but I understand the feelings of wanting to run away.
Do you have any hobbies?
I’m just starting getting back into my crafting which is good.
Please keep in touch I would love to keep talking to you.
Take care sending hugs and love xxxx

@Teacupunicorn
Hi. How are you doing?
Thank you for your kind message, it helped me as I know I am not alone in feeling like this.
I know you said July is the anniversary of your sister and dads passing. It is going to be hard for you, there is no denying that but I just hope that your happy memories of them will help you get through the coming days.
It is so hard, I know. To have two loved ones pass in the same month, well, I just can’t imagine how it feels. I am here if you need to talk.
I can relate to what you said about your fibromyalgia flaring up. I have rheumatiod arthritis and the slightest bit of stress brings on an attack. When my husband first passed away I was taking extra painkillers for weeks. That then started my stomach acid off. You just can’t win!! I try to do meditation, although I do find it hard to relax completely, it must have helped me as the flare up has subsided. It is not easy to concentrate and clear your mind. Mine races on at 100 miles an hour but I am slowly getting the hang of it.
I hope your councelling is going well. I had six weeks of CBT therapy and found it helped me . I got mine straight away as I developed a fear of going out by myself and wouldn’t leave the house on my own. I now go out alone, I still don’t like it much but use the techniques that they taught me. I haven’t had any grief counselling but to be honest, I find that reading people’s experiences on this forum and posting and getting support has helped me no end.
How is your crafting going? I would like to join a local knitting group as have always wanted to knit. My late mum was an avid knitter and taught me the basics but I would like to improve. I do have trouble with my hands but think the knitting will be good exercise for them, sounds silly, but you know what I mean.It was also one of my goals at my therapy sessions to go and join a group but I have not got the courage yet.
I do hope your nightmares have stopped and you are not in pain.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs and lots of love xxx

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