Tomorrow on November 11th will mark a year of my mom passing. A year full of what ifs. A year full of guilts. A year full of lies I’ve been telling to my self and friends that “I’m okay, I’ll get better”.
I could have a one fine day, focus on working, playing and having fun with friends and my cats, but at the end of the day when I was trying to close my eyes those thoughts of 'if only I could have more time with her that time, etc" flooded my mind. Again, i was a wrecked.
Today, all I could think was how she’d been feeling today last year, what she’d been doing, why she’d kept quite if she’s so much pain inside, why couldnt I make time for her, why couldnt God take away her pain and put them on me instead.
I sure had some fun this past 12 months, but those can never take away my sorrows. I’m stuck on these bargaining steps, I think I will never get there. To accept her passing. It’s like if I let this go, her memories will fade away. Am I wrong?
Hi,
I lost my mum in March. I read your post and thought crumbs it sounds like me!
The ‘what ifs’ and the guilt are so painful and cloud all of the nice memories of my mum. I cant think about her sensibly without getting in a complete emotional pickle. Memories of the day she died spiralling around constantly. My thoughts are worse at night especially when I’m in bed and trying to go to sleep. It’s like a self torture of thoughts running around like- why didn’t I give her more of my time, why didn’t I help her do what I thought were trivial task but she was too proud to tell me she actually physically couldn’t manage any more, I wish I had more patience, why didn’t she tell me she was in so much pain (maybe she did and I wasn’t listening), why didn’t she look after herself better, why didn’t I notice she was struggling so much - the list (and the torture) of questions goes on. I was all my mum had and I can’t help but feel that I really let her down.
I have really found that unless people have been through the loss of a mother they can not possibly comprehend the pain and emotional rollercoaster that we go though. I think people think that because we have ‘better days’ sometimes that we are not still in excruciating emotional pain and grieving.
I found that when my mum first passed my friends rallied around and I was lucky to have constant support but as time goes on the support goes. I get bored of saying ‘I’m missing my mum so badly’ or ‘I’m having a sh*t time’, to people that it’s just easier to say ‘yeh I’m ok’ or just feeling meh.
Im trying to keep as distracted and busy as I can but it’s difficult to escape constant emotional pain.
I’m here anytime you want to chat as it’s nice to talk to someone else that gets it.
Strength and hugs. X
Oh my goodness I’m reading your post through floods of tears as you are describing exactly how I feel. My lovely mum left us on the 5th April 2020 and if anything I think my feelings of sadness and regret are getting worse. It’s the little things that trigger - going into Tesco and seeing the things we used to buy for her can often leave me in floods. I’m so lucky that I have a lovely husband and family who do understand but I’m scared that they will get fed up with me at some point. There are good days but they’re always tinged with sadness that mum isn’t here to enjoy them. I just wish I’d been a better daughter and knowing that I can’t tell her that feels like a physical pain. I guess all any if us can do is take it day by day. I’m sending positive thoughts and love to everyone who is going through this nightmare xx
My absolute thoughts entirely to your posts, it’s so hard to get through the days trying to motivate yourself to do things when all the time you feel guilty for just living, I keep having thoughts that mum is somewhere looking down on all of us and feeling sad that we are getting on with our lives and she isn’t part of it anymore and it upsets me, my birthday is Friday my first one without my mum and I’m really not wanting to do anything but I have my two daughters and will get through it the best I can, the anniversaries are going to be so hard I just don’t want to accept shes gone 
I hear you all. I am not interested in anything, feeling guilty for living, for didn’t do more. I have children as well, and this is difficult, because of them I have to be interested in birthdays and Christmas, but I would like to go to an island with no people. I wish you strenght for the Friday. <3
I also have no interest in anything. I don’t really want to go anywhere or do anything. Life holds no pleasure. I lost my dad 8 months ago and he had to die alone in hospital because of covid. I will never forgive myself for not being with him. He was terrified of illness and hospitals and I wasn’t there. I promised to look after him and I didn’t. I was his favourite and i let him down.
Picadillo, I feel same as you. My dad died alone too and I feel guilt. And you can’t talk about it with anybody, because they are just calming down and say not to feel it. I feel with you and send you big hugs. If you want to chat, I am here.
Piccadillo
I feel for you I lost my husband in august I was allowed to be with him when machines were switched off and he looked at me and took his last breath it’s a image I will never forget it’s all I see when I close my eyes I miss him so very much don’t think I will get over it and I don’t know if I want to it feels if I do it means I am forgetting him he was my best friend and now I’m all alone I say to him why did he leave me alone . I’m sitting in tears I have no interest in anything and feel like I’m just waiting till my time comes and we can be together again