I don't think I'm coping.

I’ve recently lost my dad to pancreatic cancer which he battled for 4 years in total. He died at home after a very sudden decline in health over about a month. He was hospitalised twice and marked as end of life but we as a family only found this out when his care plan was arranged just 7 days before he died so we spent a month believing that he was stable when he wasn’t and now feel robbed of time.
What I’ve come to realise since his death is that I’ve not been ‘me’ for quite some time. I don’t enjoy anything anymore and when I go out I feel like I’m not there. I know I’m not coping well with his death having seen him in such a heartbreaking state but feel that I lost ‘me’ a long time ago. Anyone else felt this way or is it just grief?

Hi finnyk78

I was sad to read about the loss of your Dad recently and the long battle he had. It is very upsetting for you to have not been told the situation and have such a short time to talk to him and try and say everything you needed to. I am sorry also that you saw your Dad go through such a painful battle. It is not easy to see our parents become ill and helpless. It feels almost as if the roles are reversed from when we were young and they looked after us.

I lost my Dad many years ago and my Mum just over two years ago. I feel the same as you that I am not ‘me’ now, I have lost my get up and go and find it hard to have any enthusiasm for things anymore. From what I have seen on this forum it seems to be something many people experience so no you are not alone. I was told after the loss of Mum that life would be an existance rather than anything else for some time and do think that is true. I suspect it is as you say part of the grieving process but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I think all you can do it take each day as it comes. Some days will be harder than others. Remember your Dad as he was before he became ill, happy memories of times spent together do seem to help I find. Also look after yourself, if some days feel especially tough give yourself a little treat. It can be something as small as a nice ice-cream. Also ask for help if you need it from your doctor or there is the online bereavement counselling service on this forum.

Take care of yourself.


Thank you for your reply Mel. Whilst it’s not nice hearing that you yourself have lost both of your parents, there is some comfort knowing that it’s ok to lose a bit of yourself after the loss of someone special. To know that in some way it’s natural to lose a bit of yourself and not care about very much for a while.

I have debated going to see my GP but the thought of speaking to someone face to face is quite daunting as I know I’ll just be a blubbering mess and won’t be able to speak to say anything that I want to which is why this site is really good.

Thank you once again for reaching out. You have no idea how much I needed someone to hear my words xx

Hi. I’d encourage you to try your GP. Mine is continuing to support me. I have sleeping tablets. I was offered anti depressants which I took for 4 days then I realised I want to feel as I feel. It feels appropriate to feel as desolate as I do.

I wonder what f what I do might help you. Every day through my day I try to be the best daughter and behave as I was brought up so that I can honour the investment my Dad made in me. I correct my road rage or my bad language. I wonder if you could see yourself as the living evidence of him? Might they feel positive? X

I am so sorry for your loss- I lost my Mum to Cancer 6 weeks ago and she didn’t live long after her diagnosis.
TBH knowing she was at end of life didn’t really make it any easier to see her like that.
Losing a Parent leaves such a massive whole and then just exaggerates existing feelings.
I would suggest talking to your Doctor as you already felt like this to some degree.
I hope you are ok and find joy in things again.

Thank you for your reply Tracey. I was sad to hear that you’re also going through a difficult time and I like the way you try and live your life honouring your dad each day. It’s a nice thought to carry you through each day so I might try that. Thank you.

Sleep continues to be an issue so a visit to my GP for some help there might be useful.

Thank you for your reply xx

Thank you for your message Lorna. I’m sorry to hear about your mum. It’s such a difficult time to go through and nothing quite prepares you for it does it?

I’m rubbish at asking for help, hence why I’m avoiding the GP so it’s a big step for me to reach out on here. I’m calling it the first step of many little steps back to my new normal but know in my heart I should go and speak to someone.

Thank you for reaching out and replying. Seeing you my love during your difficult journey xx