My husband of 25 years died on my birthday in June, so two months ago. He’d had two seizures and we had an intense 10 day stay in hospital where I never left his side and looked after him.
He was told he had throat cancer in January '22 but that treatment would cure it. However, on his two year check, although he was given the all clear from the oncology team, a separate team told us it had spread to his brain and lungs… this was from scans he had due to a cough that wouldn’t go in Jan 2024. It was so surreal him being given the all clear and a month later being told he was going to die. It would be palliative treatment only and they gave him 6 months to live. As my husband was young and very fit he managed to fight it for 13 months but he went through so much in that time.
I know I had a lot of pain whilst being his carer and I know I did a fair bit of early grieving but apart from the odd spout of crying since he’s died, which doesn’t really last long, I am not a mess and I am coping very well. I’m not stopping myself from crying and I’m not afraid of feeling those emotions.
I’ve asked myself if I’m numb but I don’t think so… if I was numb I wouldn’t be able to laugh with my friends or continue to be my usual smiley self and have conversations like I used to would I?
I’m reading other people’s experiences and I haven’t come across one other person who is experiencing what I am. I know we’re all unique and grief is different for everyone, and I shouldn’t compare myself, but I am slightly worried that I’m too ok! Everybody that I read about is having a really hard time and devastated. No advice pages seem to cover my state or explain what could be happening.
I know it could all come crashing down at any point, especially as I start work again on Monday after being absent since the middle of June, but I needed to share with people who may understand. Thank you so much for reading.
Hi i lost my partner just 7 weeks ago and im a wreck…its good you are feeling the way you are but beware you don’t get what I call delayed grief… after looking after my mum for 4 years suffering with dementia when she died it was relief as it had been such a bad time… but about a year later it did hit me albeit nowhere near the level im feeling at losing my partner Tanya at the moment… just stay aware and hope you can continue the way you are.
Hi from me too. My husband died suddenly, in my arms 4 weeks ago. We’d been married 60 years, together for 63. I feel odd, almost like im outside myself. Like you, not numb, I function, I’ll laugh , but it still feels so unreal.
My husband was suffering from dementia & I’ve even thought at least when he died he still knew who we all were & he was spared the indignity of having to rely on me for everything.
I dont know if this helps, or even nakes sense.
When I made my first post, someone said it was normal to feel abnormal, so I’ll just pass that on. Be gentle with yourself.
Hi Ellejay. So sorry for your loss. It’s a horrible road we travel. I will take ‘it’s normal to feel abnormal’ on board and just accept where I am right now. That’s all I can do. Thank you for writing to me.
When my mum died back in 2019 I felt absolute relief, not for me but for mum.
She had dementia brought on by a stroke and was grieving my dad who had died 4 years earlier but I think she knew she had dementia and for her it was pure agony. She absolutely knew what was going on.
My long term partner within a matter of days of mum passing was admitted to hospital with sepsis and then Covid hit so he was shifted to a care home. He never came back, he couldn’t walk and due to having Parkinson’s disease he had to be looked after in a home. He was there for 3 years before he passed and I visited every day. Again I felt relief for him.
By chance I met John and we had two years together until he died suddenly this March
That floored me and I’m struggling 6 months down the line.
So many questions in my head…why didn’t I cry for my long term partner but cry constantly for John…did I love him more.?
I think I’ve come to realise that when dad passed in 2015 I went straight into caring for mum, when mum passed, Peter went into hospital so I think I didn’t grieve at all because I was just too busy. John was my lifeline so when he passed the floodgates opened…
Life is a rollercoaster and living with the death of people we love even more so.