I don't want to go on with out my husband

My husband passed away on 2/7/21. He was 52 and we were married 31 yrs. He was my everything. 2021 we made plans to move next door where he grew up and remodel a 1935 farmhouse. Not having him there physically is devastating me. I end my prayer every night asking God to take me sooner than later. We have two grown boys standing on their two feet out on their own they will be 3 hours away from The Farmhouse which I am moving to this August. I feel closer to Robert there. Also the cost of living is lower than the current city I live in. Not to mention the housing market is off the charts.
Robert tested positive for covid 19 and two weeks later passed away. We had a conversation back in December and he had decided that he wanted to be cremated. I thank God that this conversation, yes at the time being strange did come up. I can now take him with me to The Farmhouse next door to where he grew up. My heart is broken! I will not hear my soulmate’s /my one and only’s…voice or have his strong arms around me for the rest of my life here on earth. I hope and pray is not long.
Martina

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@Martina_143 hi I am so very sorry for your loss I lost my soulmate pauline in April and I feel the same I don’t want to go on without her but I do for her and our pets we were together for almost 21years she was 52 she was my world this is a hard journey we are now on the emptiness and loneliness and the longing for them our hearts are broken keep on posting on here you will find support I know I have its very early days for you so its still so raw take one day at a time I wish I could offer you more words of comfort but I’m still trying to get to grips with it myself I hope you have support around you I’m often around if you ever want to chat stay safe take care sending hugs

Thank you Casey.

I lost my partner in February this year and I feel the same it is painful the thought of my life without him and at times I don’t want to do it but I think what he would want he would want me to be here for our children and for any future grandchildren I am trying to live my life for him xx I know its hard but our partners would hate us to struggle :heart:

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I lost my 50 year old husband, my soulmate for the past 34 years, suddenly without warning in March. I can identify with everything you’ve said. I am just plodding on so that my children don’t have any more pain. I too just wanted to spend my time with him, my future has now gone. Keep posting and taking one day at a time. You can also sign up for counselling. The site refugeingrief.com is also good as it’s written by someone who lost her partner. Take care

It’s so true. I find it the most profound grief I have and will ever experience. For me to move in August to our 1935 farmhouse next door where he grew up (which still remains in his family that we will always gather there) has just today been causing me to hyperventilate. The upcoming calls and decision where always what he handled with me backing those up. He defiantly was behind the wheel and i was co-passenger.
This has been my most biggest conflict and struggle. I know I am capable of “doing” but I find myself not wanting to do it a kind of rebellion. Then the internal conflict creates havoc . For the first time today I started hyperventilating and sobbing.
So I’ve done today was a nope for me and back to bed no matter what time. If God has me here tomorrow then I’ll try again

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Sorry for your sad loss
I lost my wonderful husband in June this year my world has been completely torn apart. Every day I say out loud what is the point then I remember he told me to go on without him to try and be happy to look after our grown up children. I am struggling with his loss which is massive we were together 32 years married for 25.
I feel so alone something I’ve never felt before it’s so overwhelming.
Take care

Going on with our lives is something we know they would want us to do but it’s easier said than done! All we can do is take it a day at a time. We have a massive hole in our lives and after 30+ years it’s going to take a long time to process and grow round it. Sending hugs

Dear Martina

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in September not long after his 60th birthday in road traffic accident. Recently scattered his ashes on beach on Northumberland coast. Struggle everyday. We were married 38 years and together 42. I do not know any other life and at 61 years of age not able or wanting to reinvent myself. I too pray every night and
just want to be reunited. Because of our beliefs I have to believe I will be reunited but now it is just a waiting game. We have two adult kids and two little gransons, one destined never to meet their granda.

Spent last week with our kids, their partners and grandchildren in a cottage not far from the beach. I found some peace there and now find myself thinking of selling up and moving up to be near my husband. Probate prevents this as not sorted yet. Also my husband promised our son he would be the child-minder so I have to honour this. Perhaps when they are older I can take myself away. I just need to escape from what was our previous world which I am no longer part of. Friends and family for the most part have already moved on.

A Facebook memory popped up today. it was my husband with our eldest grandson, playing and laughing just 12 months ago. Needless to say I have spent the day on the settee, sleeping and hiding under a blanket wanting this nightmare to end.

Hi Sheila. I’m sorry to hear your struggling. I too was married for 38 years and we’re together for 42 years. She passed away in April and it seems like forever not just 3 months. Today was my granddaughters third Birthday and I went out for the day with her dad and two of my daughters. I tried to enjoy it but I felt empty and alone, just another special occasion without my wife. I left early and have spent the evening in tears again. I can’t believe I’m never going to see her again. I’m having to go through probate which is another thing I could do without. I have also thought of moving house. The best advice I’ve had up to now is not to change anything for the first twelve months because we’re not in the right frame of mind to make big decisions. Sat here with another sleepless night to look forward to.

Take care x

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Hi Anne. Sorry for your loss. You should read and add messages on this app whenever you feel the need. It helps to realise your not on your own. Take your time with the move and don’t rush into anything. I’m sure your mum will be proud of you wherever you choose to move to.

Take care
Gary

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Dear Gary

Just dragged myself out of bed. Really no point to anything anymore.

Our eldest grandson’s first birthday was a few months after my husband died then his first Christmas. I went round to their house for both occasions but like you I tried to enjoy myself but inside I was in so much pain and just thinking that my husband should have been here to share this joy.

I too am having to go through probate. At the end of the process I am going to write to my MP and whoever else because some of the pension companies have been ridiculous given the amounts we are talking about. The system does not help those grieving. So probate will stop me doing anything like selling the house but since scattering the ashes up in Northumberland I feel that is where I need to be. So in the interim I will just jump in the car and drive up and spend the day alone in my thoughts and wishing so much that he was still with us.

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I agree about the system. I too am thinking what can be done about it. I am not having to go through probate but still there are ridiculous hoops to jump through. Some companies won’t do anything with a temporary death certificate and the Coroner’s office is taking ages for the report. It puts unnecessary stress and strain on people at the worst times of their lives. The system is a joke.

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Jules4,
Totally agree. We lose the most loving people in life and the government are only interested in the correct paperwork and original certificates. Sometimes it feels like you are dealing with soulless robots!

James

Dear Jules4

Yes I was only issued with a temporary death certificate in September and inquest was not conducted until May. Only a few would accept the interim certificate. As I need to sort out all his pensions there is one company who has £4.94 in the pot and they will not pay out until probate is complete. I am going to write to the pension trustees and copy in my MP when it is sorted to highlight the ridiculousness of their red-tape.

The inquest was only brought forward because of an administrative error at the Coroner’s office. If you feel up to it and not already done so would give them a call. It was only when I rang that the error was discovered!

But at our worst time when we need all the help we can and unnecessary barriers removed it is the opposite. Going through all the challenges they put in front of us, having to recount the loss of your loved one to different organisations just to get things sorted in the time frame that HMRC sets out. Then the MP is going to hear about the additional stress this is and has caused.

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I agree. My sister has been in touch with the Coroner’s office as I couldn’t face it. It has gone well beyond the time scale they originally said and still it seems it could be weeks or even months. My GP has now written to them. I need to know what ruined my life. I can’t process things until I know. Then there is the practical side of things with the forms and certificates as well. I have been asked for the full death certificate from a pension company. Why? The temporary one is official from the Coroner’s office. What difference does it make to a pension company about the cause of death. My husband paid in the money. There is no criminal investigation. There was a will, I am named. The pension is ours. Should be straight forward. Why isn’t it?

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Dear Jules4

You are right. Agree totally with you. But unfortunately and it saddens me to say these pension companies only look after the pension pot so that when they do their statutory returns it looks good. The cause of death on the interim certificate did not change when I received the final death certificate. One of the pension companies is holding off paying out because my husband was on his motorbike. I had to give a formal statement to them and send the death certificate with the Coroners verdict. That was six/seven weeks ago and still heard nothing. They are all trying to blame working from home for the delays but that does not help me in any way.

I am having a really bad few days since returning from the holiday cottage and scattering my husband’s ashes. I need to be closer to him that is why I am now thinking of just selling up. It will make no difference really because no one bothers to get in touch. I tried in vain to contact someone the other night - rang 8 times - and still not heard from them. Then bumped into his wife today who stated surely things must be getting better. They have no idea of what an existence this now is.

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Hi Sheila
The person that said.”surely you must be getting over it” is not a friend, that was an appalling thing to say. Take no notice, they haven’t got a clue. Just take each hour and day as it comes. We’re all going through very difficult times and I’m worried about the future but hopefully it will look brighter. Eventually.
My first meeting with a grief counsellor tomorrow, I’m trying to keep an open mind.
Take care
Gary

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Why should it make a difference to a pension company whether he was on a bike or not? We don’t pay into a pension and get told that we aren’t allowed to ride a bike! I think they just try to make it harder for people!
I am sorry that you are finding that people aren’t contacting you. Keep posting here as we will respond. Sending hugs

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Dear Jules4

Just another reason not to pay out. I have worked for Local Government best part of my working life. The pensions and pay outs are clear cut. All my husband’s are private pension companies and to quote their policies “have discretion over what payment if any the spousal survivor will receive”. I am just at their mercy. They have no empathy towards what I am going through. My husband worked from the age of 16 and their behaviour is just an insult to his hard work.

This forum as you say is my life line. Thank you

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