I fee like im going backwards

Anyone else feel like they are going backwards with their grieving?
I was doing ok or so I thought but once again im back to constantly breaking down. I wake up feeling sick again and hits me again he is gone
I think it might be because my daughter has opened up a bit more to me she knew alot what was going on and her dad told her not to tell me as i would be mad hurts so much and the fact he never said sorry for what he did not even when he came home from hosp the 1st time it just hurts so much and i just want him back
Dosent help living so far away from my family I feel lost on a daily basis
I am on the counselling list hopefully that will help but all I want to do is cry again it comes in waves but i guess thats grief and thats what it can do x

Hi , I feel like I’m going backwards too. I cry all the time, just don’t want to imagine the future without my husband. We lived for each other after our family grew up & moved away. We didn’t have friends as we were just contented being together. I tried Cruse counselling but it didn’t help, I spent an hour trying to explain why I didn’t want a pet & another session on why I didn’t want to spring clean a room a day.
I feel like a helpless cause with no one undertaking just how lonely & isolating grief is. I don’t know anyone that’s in my situation.

Sorry you feel this way too i just miss him so much despite everything he has done i felt he owed it to me and our daughter to get better (it was alcohohol liver disease) i feel so lost angry hurt sad and these last few days i have just kept breaking down dosent help we are in lockdown and winter and christmas are looming and i know im not the only one feeling like this just having a few bad days again x

I am so sorry for your loss I lost my husband in May and I was doing ok but it is now getting worse I suppose the weather isn’t helping. We had no children
but some wonderful friends who have helped me but I am so jealous that they are all couples and have no idea how it hurts when I see them together it just highlights what I have lost. We were a social couple and now I am a sad woman on my own. This is not what I signed up for . I just want my life to end it has no purpose without the love of my life.

Dear @Fg15, For the last 2 or 3 weeks I too feel as though I’m going backwards. Every night I sit on the edge of our bed and talk to my wife, hoping that she can see and hear everything I say and do. But for the last week, floods of tears come in mid-conversation each night, because I cannot help but only think of what I’ve lost and how much I want to be back at my wife’s side. My eyes are stinging and blurry during the day from crying so much. Last night was yet another night where I couldn’t sleep, watching the hours tick by on my digital clock until the morning light streamed into the bedroom, and I had to drag myself out of bed for yet another day of slow, lonely torture. I feel less able to function on a daily basis compared to several weeks ago. I just feel paralyzed and I hope every night is my last one on this earth.

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Dear Fg15,
I totally understand what you mean. My wonderful husband of 47 years died six years ago and to be honest, it should never have happened. He was a smoker, had been since he was 14 years of age but he would not stop. Not one member of our family or friends smoked, if they had smoked, they had stopped many years ago when it was in the newspapers just how bad smoking was for the body. Our home smelled of cigarette smoke so did our clothes, it is a wonder our children don’t have asthma or anything like that, but I do have.
I will never forget the look on my husbands face when the specialist told him there was nothing else he could do for him and his next chest infection would be his last. He also told him that if he had never smoked, or had stopped smoking years before, he would now be a very fit man. After my husband died I was so angry, I felt in a way he had killed himself and had not thought about his family at all, only about his cigarettes. He was 68 years old when he died, he had so many hobbies and things he wanted us to do but because of his smoking, cigarettes robbed us of the rest of our lives together. Our sons, who are now 50 years of age said in a way their dad committed suicide and it should never have happened. and I agree with them. We used to have arguments about him smoking but he would never stop, I could have understood it if another member of our family smoked, but they didn’t and smoking had been banned at his work too. All our friends from the 1960’s are still together, they all have their husbands and wives, I am the only one now on my own. I have stopped being angry but am so full of regret about what has happened because he should still have been here.
We cannot stop anyone doing what they want unless they want to stop it themselves and my Peter didn’t. We had a fantastic marriage and we loved each other very much but I feel robbed of not being able to have a few more years with him.xxx

Thats how i feel with my partners drinking i dodnt know how bad he had got til it was too late he hid it well and i didnt know half of what was going off im so angry he didnt do anything sooner but when he wanted help was too late in a way i feel cheated the bottle was more important i know its not true and he loved me as i did him but hurts so much and to leave our daughter who is now 12 and he did it round hurts me so much but she will grow up.and hopefully meet someone etc its me im only 37 and think what is there for me now scary and upsets me over 200 miles i moved to be with him 15 years ago and this happens addiction is awful i know he is at peace now but its the ones left behind suffering especially me at the moment x

I have said, so many, many times since my Peter died that if I could live my life over again, I would want to go back to the day we met and do it all again but this time stop him smoking. We were lucky, we had 50 years together but you are so very, very young with a young daughter. We were never drinkers, we only had drink in the house at Christmas and we were never ones for going out all the time, we preferred to be with each other it was always like that, we were joined at the hip. He was not a heavy smoker, he was not a chain smoker, his maximum was 10 a day but the specialist said it was not the quantity it was the number of years he had smoked that had caused the problem. I remember when we first got married and he brought home his wage in a brown envelope (we were paid weekly in those days), we decided I would handle the money and all Peter wanted was money for cigarettes and petrol for the car, everything else went into our joint accounts for savings and bills and that was how it was for the rest of our lives together. We were a couple from the day we met to the day he died. Yes, it is the ones left behind that are suffering especially when we know it should never have happened.xx

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