5 years ago i had a phone call from a family member to say my brother had passed away suddenly. It was during the time i was working away from my home town as my first and only relationship of nearly 10 years ended. I felt like i was having a breakdown at home so i needed out to start some sort of a fresh start. I was grieving terribly from the relationship and then had to grieve from having that phone call about my brother not long after. For 5 years i had been in a very dark and lonely place. I just felt like i was existing. I just felt empty. So so empty. All those years have been like a blur to me. 6 odd weeks ago my father took ill. It was very stressful and heart breaking during those weeks. To cut a long story short We was told he wouldnt make it out of icu. He wasnt going to wake ect. and to expect the worse but he fought and came through then eventually got moved onto a normal ward. Withen days He caught pneumonia and we was told his organs had started to shut down. 3 weeks ago i was at my fathers bedside when he took his last breath. Im feeling even more empty now. (Thats if you could feel more empty than empty) I feel like im never going to be happy or feel alive again to be honest. I just feel very low and i cry everyday. my fathers passing is still very raw as it only happened a few weeks ago. I really just feel like i dont know who i am anymore. I just feel so so lost and so empty. I get angry with myself because life is passing me by… but i just feel sad all the time. I have absolutely no zest for anything anymore. If that makes sense!? Ugh its so hard to put it into words.
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your brother five years ago, and your father very recently. It sounds as though you’ve had such a tough time.
Your descriptions of feeling so empty of the past five years make me wonder if it is possible you are depressed? I’m not a mental health professional, and I can’t diagnose you over the internet, but it could be worth exploring this further, perhaps with a counsellor? A good first step would be to talk to your GP and see if they can refer you.
One of the things that can make grief last longer is not having anyone to talk to about what you are going through. I’m glad that you found this Online Community, as writing things down here can be one good way of venting your emotions.
There are lots of supportive people here who understand what it is like to lose a loved one. While you wait for more replies to this post, you may also find it helpful to read and reply to some other posts by people with similar experiences, for example:
Ayishi2017 has lost their sister: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/was-crying-till-i-found-website
Jane has also lost her dad recently: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/losing-my-dad-0
Poppy123 has also lost two family members, in this case, both her parents: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/hate-feeling-way
If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the Online Community, just let me know.