I feel like I can’t do this

First time here, I lost my partner Mike suddenly, through a pulmonary embolism in April this year. The early days were a blur, nearly 6 months on and the pain feels unbearable, the reality comes crashing in, panic attacks, anxiety, tears. The hardest thing to come to terms with is that Mike had kept quiet about the swelling and pain in his leg. He told me about it the day he died and said he had had it for a week… He said he would go to the doctors after the weekend, but sadly died that night, he was so worried about the Corona Virus, which is why he didn’t go to the hospital (we didn’t live together) but have been together for 30 years. A life without Mike feels unbearable and the knowledge that his death was most likely preventable haunts me. I miss him so much, he was my rock and this pain feels never ending and so hard to bear.


So sorrt for your loss
My parner died 13 wks tomorow its so hard he died with alcohol liver disease admitted the problem but too late damage was done if only sooner as he must have been feeling rough for a while but he was stubborn the day i wanted him to go to hosp he wouldnt go i knew he was scared and when he came out in march he wanted to be a home because covid all starting they were happy for him to be at hone as he was stable he ended up back in 3 months later and never came home
Hurts so much he didnt admit his problem sooner and get the help i struggle daily and constantly shout j want him back before bursting into tears x

Dear JayneL
I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. Just because you didn’t live together doesn’t make that any less true. It is perfectly natural in grief to be haunted by what ifs. If only we had said or done something or if only that doctor hadn’t misdiagnosed my mum/dad(one of mine) , if only the person we had loved had gone to the hospital sooner. If you read a lot of peoples posts on here you will find many of them feel like you. Also there are two types of guys when it comes to illness the one where every little twinge is the worlds biggest deal and the type who are stoic and their leg or arm could be hanging off and they will tell you its nothing juat a wee cut.they feel they have to tough it out to be a big strong man. Also it is true that a lot of people who really need to go to hospital are avoiding it like the plague just now to their detriment. And usually it is the people who really need to go who don’t just because of COVID. I am sure the COVID has caused many deaths that are nothing to do with the disease itself but is to do with the worry about the disease. The thing is that Mike confided in you about his pain and his worries that was important he wanted to share what concerned him most with the person he loved and trusted most. So probably one of the things you think about was could you have done something if you had been with him that week maybe you could have seen how bad his leg was. But the thing is you were there for him he shared with you and that probably meant a lot to him knowing that you were there to share his concerns with him. Yes it would have been better if he had gone to the hospital but a pulmonary embolism could strike anywhere. Even if he had gone to hospital the embolism could have struck in the ambulance or the waiting room. You may worry you weren’t there for him at the end to hold his hand but you couldn’t know when that was none of us really do, even when people have a long illness. Nobody dies alone though someone always comes from the other side. Also you were there for him for 30 years you were there for each other and you created a life time of love and memories. The reason life feels so unbearable is because you loved each other so much and 6 months isn’t so very long a time when you have such a deep love. You could start to find things ease a bit over the next year or so and a milestone or a memory witll hit you like a ton of bricks as if it was yesterday and yet at other times you will long for the ton of bricks because everything seems so far away. Know that you loved and were loved and no one can ever take this away from you, not death or time or anything. You will still carry all the love inside you no matter where your journey takes you, you will carry a piece of Mike in your heart.
Thinking of you


So sorry for your loss JayneL. My Gerry refused hospital twice early April when covid was rife in our local hospital. I believe that if he had been admitted he would have been highly likely to get covid and die of it. In the event he died in May at home peacefully and we did not know he had cancer of the oesophagus until after he died when his results came through. He knew his options and made his choices and your partner clearly thought his symptoms could wait over the weekend. You have nothing to reproach yourself about but we are bound to question ourselves. Take care, Janet xx


I’m sorry for not replying earlier, thank you for your message. I’m sure you feel the same, sometimes, most of the time… You just can’t go there… I am so sorry for your loss, empty words, we both know that, as nothing can describe the loss of a partner, such a huge hole, it is just the most indescribable pain.

Let’s hold each other tight and support one another, friends and family are great, but if they haven’t experienced the loss of a partner, there are no words that can express how devastating it is to be without your soul mate.

I’m thinking of setting up a Zoom Group so that we can share and comfort one another, do you think that would be helpful? I just need to connect with people that understand xxx

Hello Meebee,

I am so sorry I haven’t replied to you earlier, I just can’t go there most of the time…
I am so very sorry for your loss, there are no words are there… The pain is indescribable…

Your words, thank you so much, I have read them many times and it is as if you are in my head, you have described our situation and Mike to a tee (he was a golfer) rarely visited a doctor, if Mike did, it was only if I nagged and nagged him, regrettably due to the Virus, of which I understand, Mike delayed.

Your words are so kind and you have helped me put some perspective on my feelings of guilt and regret, so thank you, so very much.

I am thinking of setting up a Zoom Group so that we can all share and support one another, do you think it would be helpful?

Best wishes, keep safe, hold each other tight.


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Hi Janet,

I am so sorry that you have lost Gerry, Covid has added to all of our pain, with what ifs and maybe’s…

I am thinking of you at this terrible time, I am thinking of setting up a Zoom Group for us to share, I don’t know about you, but I could really do with someone to talk to who really understands, what do you think?

I am thinking of you, take care of you and yours, hold on tight.



Dear @JayneL, so sorry for the loss of your Mike. Others have already given you nice replies as to why you should not feel guilty, but I just wanted to say that your idea of a Zoom Group call is quite nice, but many people might feel a bit i̶n̶t̶i̶m̶i̶d̶a̶t̶e̶d̶ apprehensive talking about their grief in a call arranged by someone they don’t really know, how about asking Sue Ryder to set one up, people might be more willing to join that? I don’t know, but worth a try?

Hope it works out for you. Take care.

Hi Abdullah,

Thank you for your message, Sue Ryders team have been in touch and they are working on setting up a Zoom Group, which will great for those that are comfortable using it…

Take care of yourself

Kind regards


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Hi @JayneL , Myself and a few others on here who have grown close have our own WhatsApp group chat & yes we have tears and talk about our feelings and fears but we also laugh our socks off which is therapy in itself. I think your zoom idea would be beneficial especially to those who are feeling isolated so well done you :+1:

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Sue Ryder have been in touch and are looking into setting up a Zoom Group, so that’s good news.

What’s app Group is a great idea, I’m pleased you can all share and support one another as nobody understands loosing a partner, than someone else who is going through the same.



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Feeling really low, panic attacks, anxiety, struggling to function. I am thinking about seeing my G.P. but… I know there isn’t a magic pill that will take this away… Any advice gratefully received, as I am really struggling …

Hi JayneL,
All those feelings that you describe are what most of us feel, especially early on in grief.
When I first lost my husband, I couldn’t function at all, constant shaking, panic attacks, no sleep, - everything, I had to keep checking the doors were locked properly as I just felt so scared. Eleven months on, I still suffer panic attacks and sometimes feel I can’t do this anymore, but I also now have stronger days, it’s not the rawness anymore.
Losing our partners is the most painful, life changing thing to go through, no wonder why we suffer as we do.
We are all struggling and trying to keep our heads above water, all I can say is what I have said to others all along, is that this forum has helped me get through each day, sharing our feelings and knowing we are not alone, everyone on here are all struggling to deal with losses and to chat with others who just know, is a great help.
Thinking of you.
Steph x

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Hi Steph,

Thank you for your message, it’s still early days for you too, it is as you say life changing, my head is above the water, but I am paddling like mad below the water… Just the smallest thing seems to tip me over the edge, things I used to just get on with seem overwhelming. I went back to work after 2 weeks to try and get out of my head, but 6 months on, work feels too much and I feel like I can’t cope.

Ironically, I work in mental health and we deliver courses to manage anxiety and panic attacks… So in practice I know what to do, but the reality is grieving the loss of Mike is on a whole new level.

Take care