I feel like I could lose the plot

I lost my mum in April, it devastated me, we bought her home a week ago ( I think you know what I mean), she’s tucked away safely in my conservatory, I can’t even touch the bag where she is or look at the paperwork. I love my conservatory, I want to sit in there and talk to her but I can’t, I think I’d scream, shout, completely lose myself, the grief just overwhelms me at times and it frightens me that I could just explode. I don’t know how you come to terms with losing your mum, how can life ever be the same again, it can’t as she’s not here. My thoughts are probably a bit irrational I don’t know but there’s so much in my head I need to get out. I think we think we will have our parents here forever but then you lose them and you realise no they’re not and I don’t know how to move forward. Can anyone help me please?

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i have recently lost my dad and i found i have bad days and very bad days . In my very bad days i stay all day in bed crying and crying . On my bad days i can do more things and so try and put positive things in place . It doesnt always bring comfort and at times there is no comfort .
Keep posting here people are here to help you . Do you have friends to talk to ? Have you listened to online counselling on this website? Did you and mum have a favourute place to visit would that help? or maybe you could go somewhere new and try to sort your thoughts out in a new place. Can someone come and sit with you in conservatory and spend time with you there ask a friend ???
I’ve put up photos of where my dad took me That helps me . I have no photos of him so i sit light a candle and think of him at home
I also sponsored a guide dog in memory of him I can see him smiling now and i know he would have liked that.Other things i have done trees in memory of him . Sometimes it brings comfort and sometimes it doesnt I think thats just the way it goes .
But keep posting we 're all here for you

Hi Nikki

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in March and she is back home on her bedroom (we lived together)

My advice on ‘speaking’ to her do it - and yes that may include screaming, crying, swearing. I have been in Mum’s room and just wailed ‘why, why did you leave me’ Other days I have been in there crying and telling her how scared I am, frightened for the future, worried I am doing the right things.

Then I go in and just waffle like I always did when she was hear - including sharing bits of gossip!

I also talk to her all the time in my head - I have utter faith she can hear me.

All these feelings have to come out, they will get out one way or another. If the talking out loud to her really doesn’t feel right my other tip would be getting a notebook and journaling. You don’t need to write essays, you can doodle, bullet points, just words and adjectives that come to mind.

Beki x

Thank you so much for your message, I’m so sorry you lost your mum too, they are so precious. I will sit and well even if I don’t chat just sit there with her, I think it’s the facing up to the stark reality that she isn’t with me, well physically anyway. You always think your parents will be there. When I’m really upset I’m sure I get signs from her, feathers and I can smell her too, her home had a particular smell as I’m sure mine does, I often get that. I probably will scream one day, just not yet, everyone else moves on, im not ready yet, why do they have to leave us :pensive:

Nikki x

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Hi Nikki63,

I’m so sorry to hear of what you’re going through after the loss of your Mum. When you said “there’s so much in my head I need to get out”, you’re so right! I lost my Mum many years ago and clearly remember how it affected me, mentally & physically. My Dad was never supportive of my Mum and so I had always been the one to take care of her and support her. She had agoraphobia and so very rarely went out on her own. I can remember having to take time out of school many times to take her to her hospital appointments. Then when my Dad passed away, she couldn’t bear to be in the house on her own at night so I used to go there straight from work and she would make me a meal, I’d spend some time with her, then go home to my flat and do what I needed to do and go back to Mum’s around midnight to stay the night with her. Then, in the morning I would get up at 6.30am, go to my flat to get ready for work and start another day. To be able to get some respite or a little holiday, I had to arrange for somebody to be with her 24/7. That went on for 4 years until I lost Mum too. You can imagine the huge vacuum, losing Mum left me with! Now I didn’t have the ties of supporting Mum, but how was I going to fill that enormous vacuum? Luckily I had a Wonderful Best Friend, who although she lived almost 200 miles away, was like the Sister I never had - I am an only child. Even so, I became quite ill with depression and anxiety and was put on anti-depressants and it took a long time to get better, but I did get there. Last November I very sadly lost that Wonderful Best Friend of 52.5 years. She had starting feeling unwell in July 2020, we both suspected what it might have been but didn’t know at that point. I left my home in London to go and stay with her in South Wales and look after her, our suspicions were unfortunately confirmed as correct, she had Ovarian Cancer, had extensive surgery and chemotherapy and although she appeared to be doing well, things started going rapidly downhill about this time last year. When I first went down there, I was able to come home for a few days every few months, but as time went on, that became impossible. Her daughter was of no use whatsoever, her son was tied up with looking after his ailing father and coping with his family and high-pressure job, but would still ‘muck-in’ when he could, so when I eventually came home in January of this year, that was the first time I had been home since early May 2021, and that’s when everything ‘hit me like a steam train’. I, thankfully managed to find a really good counsellor near me and “all that stuff that needed to come out” certainly has over the last few months. It has been a revelation to me, how my counsellor brought out events that had happened early on in my life that, unbeknown to me, had been affecting me all my life, and still are now. I’d had a thought about 10 days before I returned home, that if I needed to see anybody when I got home, I should let them know about my earlier life and I’m convinced that that thought was put in my head by my Wonderful Best Friend - she was the only person who knew about my past, and how right she was. I have had little signs that she is around as I’m sure you will get from your Mum too, and they will comfort you. I’ve had little signs from my Mum over the years too - they may be gone physically, but they will always be with you. Speak to your Mum, tell her how much you still love her and miss her, and then when you get the little signs, you’ll know she is still around and keeping an eye on you. Try and find a good counsellor, if you can afford to go privately, do so, as I have. It has to be somebody you can build a rapport with and preferably someone you can meet face to face. We’re all in this together, although none of us want to be in this position. Let me know how you get on and Take Care of Yourself.

Thank you so so much for your reply, I need to read and re-read it which I will and I’ll send a reply back, its so appreciated thank you x

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Hi Nikki,

I know exactly what you mean. Life surely can’t be the same. Absolutely everything looks and feels different now mum isn’t in the world. The sense of loss has a presence all of its own.
When we brought mum home, I had to get my partner to carry the box and place her somewhere because the idea that my precious mum had been reduced to nothing more than that small green box devastated me.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve tried to slowly spend time with her box. Laid my hand on it and talked out loud to mum. If you feel you need to scream and shout, I’d say you do it. Let that emotion out. It won’t last forever, other times you might just want to sit quietly with her, other times just weep. All of it is normal and ok.

We’ll never be the same, but we’ll find a new way of living life and honouring our mum’s memories along the way. It’s all we can do.
I’ve also written my mum a couple of letters…perhaps that’ll help release some of the thoughts crowding your head?

Take great care

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You are braver than me, I’ve still not even touched the bag let alone her urn, I just cannot get my head around it, that my mum is in the urn, I did once or twice say hello as I opened my conservatory door but I’ve even stopped doing that, I have other signs, a Robin constantly in my garden, white butterflies and white feathers floating down, for now I see those as mum telling me she is near till I’m brave enough to touch her urn. Thank you for your message, it’s just so appreciated xxx

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I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. You’re brave enough to be reaching out to people about your grief, that takes so much courage.
I think the signs you’re getting from your mum are lovely and you’re absolutely right to not do anything you’re not feeling ready to do. All in good time.

Here any time you want to chat xxx

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Thank you, I’m desperate to offload, I have an initial assessment on Thurs actually with a Sue Ryder counsellor, im hoping it’ll help. Sounds as though you are slowly getting there too, I have a book to write in, something suggested by Cruse, its so far empty, if I start I’ll never stop x

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I completely get that need to offload. I often find myself bringing mum up in conversations with people when I don’t really need to. I just can’t seem to help myself, like I need to unburden my brain of all the memories and guilt etc by saying stuff aloud to people. Even talk to myself about the way things ended up and how sorry I am to mum for failing her in her final days.
Good days and bad days right now. Still in disbelief at times, it’s only 12 weeks today that we lost her. My first baby is due next week so I’ve kind of had to find ways of coping quickly so I can still be at least semi ok for becoming a mum.
The book you’re writing in sounds like it could really help. Maybe if you can set a free morning or afternoon aside to just write as much or as little as you want without any pressure, it could clear your mind a little bit of some of the clutter. I know how overwhelming that clutter can get.
It’s great you’ve got counselling lined up too. I really hope it brings you come peace xxx

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Do you feel that people think you should be moving on or say to you oh you’ve been ok this week when they really haven’t got a clue? I’m always including my mum in my conversation too, maybe it’s because we want others to remember them just how we do. I’m sure your guilt is misplaced, believe me I feel so guilty too about my decisions and that I really don’t know if she knew how poorly she was though I think she did she was just trying to protect me.
Your first baby, such a very special time, I hope everything goes smoothly and that your baby brings you so much happiness, am sure your mum will be watching over you. Yes I’ll start that book soon, i had a meltdown earlier when I was out and saw a building my mum worked in years ago being demolished, how silly and unbalanced does that sound? You just link everything to your mum don’t you? Well I know I do, so much I see, hear etc just seems to remind me and bond me to her, it’s bizarre. Hope I don’t sound too much like I’ve really lost that plot. X

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I don’t think you sound like you’ve lost the plot at all. It all sounds very familiar to me, especially the linking everything to your mum. Me and mum spoke every day on the way home from work and even though she didn’t ever walk that walk physically with me, I had to change my route home after she died because I couldn’t walk those steps without crying in public. Mums are just so integral to everything we do, even the benign things we don’t even register day-to-day.
I’ve definitely had a couple of people say that I need to be positive now that the funeral and everything is done, which makes me angry. You can guarantee those people have not lost their mums and have no idea how earth shattering it is when you do.
It sounds like our mums were both in similar circumstances with being poorly and not really letting on just how serious it was. Definitely makes the grief more complicated to cope with doesn’t it.
I’m really hoping I can allow enough space in my head to feel joy when baby is born, it scares me to think the constant reminders of mum not being here to share this with me will taint everything. All the baby’s firsts, Christmas, mother’s Day etc, will also be firsts without mum. I’ll do my very best to still be present and happy, so many people would kill to have a partner and baby so I know how lucky I am.
Do you have any siblings you can share these feelings with? Xxx

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I don’t think life can ever be the same again when you lose your mum, I was told that you grow around the grief , I did believe that at first, think I wanted to believe anything but not so sure now. My sibling connection is complicated to say the least, I’ll explain maybe in a private message if possible as I don’t know who has access to what is written here.
I think you will be a great mum, and your mum will be looking over you I’m sure about that, babies definitely sense too when that’s happening, I believe that. No, people who’ve not lost their mums just don’t get it, when I was going out shopping etc after I lost mum I felt so envious of people who were obviously with their mums shopping, they are so lucky but then we were too I guess.
Have you kept your mum at home with you can I ask? Xx

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I agree. The world definitely looks and feels different. I think and hope we will find avenues of happiness though, it’s just so difficult to see it right now. We’re in the thick of such powerful emotions.
No pressure to tell me anything at all, but feel free to message privately if you prefer. I only asked because I’m an only child and I’d never considered that to be a problem before now, when I’d love to have someone to share memories with or just compare notes on what I’m feeling. Families are definitely an odd and complicated thing! Believe me, I get it.
I know what you mean about being envious too, I’ve heard myself sounding so bitter lately whenever anyone complains about their mum annoying them or even just saying they’re planning something nice with their mum. It just makes me think well why couldn’t I have kept my mum, why was it us who has to suffer like this.
I know it’s irrational but I just can’t help feeling it.

I have got mum at home with me for now. I know she’d have wanted to be scattered in the same place as her mum, which isn’t local, so we’ll arrange for that to happen next spring. I find it quite comforting some times to have her in the house with me. Other days it hurts to know that’s all that’s physically left of someonw who meant so much. Do you have plans to keep mum with you or are you not sure yet?
I don’t know whether you’d find it helpful but something I’ve done and have taken comfort from is to get a necklace and fill it with some of my mum’s ashes. It just seems to take the edge off the grief when I’m really longing for her to be close xxx

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