Mum died very suddenly 7 weeks ago. It was a horrific time. I’m back at work. I’m cleaning the house, cooking dinner. Sorting kids out. Seeing friends. But I’m going through the motions. I feel heavy and empty with sadness and the pain Is unbearable. My body aches with stress and tiredness. but I feel I should be pulling myself together now. No one has said anything but I feel silly that I still cry 3/4 times a day. I try and do it in private. But sometimes I just want to let it all out and cry out loud with the pain.
Oh gosh it’s no where near time…
My mum died suddenly 6 months ago and like you…I did everything I “should” I went back work 4 days after…I spend days out with my little son…chat endlessly to friends…and do all the “normal” stuf. Yet when I go to bed my heart still hearts and in the morning there is still something missing.
It’s still early days for you and you will probably find further down the line it all hits you at once - do what you got to do to let your feelings out, scream shout and cry if you want too…there is no right or wrong and it’s never “time” unless you want it to be xxxx
Jooles,
Its 4 months now since my mum passed. I cry numerous times a day and enjoy nothing anymore.i have only just gone back to work and spend all day every day thinking about mum and trying to come to terms with the fact she is gone. I cry in front of all sorts of people and dont even care anymore. One day last week I screamed at home due to sheer grief. I dont know how I have come this far.
Your mum died just 7 weeks ago and you are questioning the fact that you still cry 3 or 4 times a day?
We have been through the worst experience of our lives. Losing our mums is a life changing event. We will never be the same again.
Keep crying.its the only way we will get through this. I still cry regularly in front of my 12 year old. I dont have the ability to just do so in private. I think you are doing great and you will get there.
It’s just so very hard.
Cheryl x
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So do it, scream cry rant rave beat the crap out of a pillow, there is no such time limit on grief, you deal with it in your own way sod anyone else. Turn the question on its head do you think your Mum would have got over you in 7weeks!!! Your love was/is a strong link that will not be broken and it’s not one you can compartmentalise because people or indeed you (we are sometimes our worst enemy) think we should be moving on after such a short time, give yourself a break and a chance to grieve for as long as you need to, no bloody stiff upper lip crap. X
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I agree with SL. Her posts are pragmatic and to the point. If we are not careful the ‘stiff upper lip’ can become a permanent feature. Yes, let it all go. Cry, yell and kick the door if you must. Emotions must be allowed to flow in their own way and own time. As the Darleks used to say ‘Resistance is futile’. We humans are emotional beings. But there is always a flip side to anything. Think of all the love you gave each other and still do.
And Cheryl. A lovely heartfelt post. Cry then, as much and as often as you want. Anyone with the least understanding will know why. There’s no shame or embarrassment in expressing emotions. Gradually, as you go along, it will be less often and emotions will not be so raw. Take it as easy as you can. None of this awful business is easy. Blessings.
I lost my mum 3 months ago only 3 weeks after a lung cancer diagnosis like you it has hit me so hard. I really wasnt ready to lose her. Hoe did I not know how sick she was ? It was a standing joke how active and healthy she had always been. It broke my heart when she was very quickly bedridden, in a matter of weeks. I’ve only just started to accept shed gone. I wouldn’t clear her clothes etc in case she came back. It sounds ridiculous but I vpikdnt process it at all. So I understand . Sometimes I think I’ve totally lost my mind but a visit to my gp assured Me it was all normal. I lost my lovely dad 27 years ago but his loss was no where near as awful as losing my mum. Which is strange as I loved them both the same. This has totally floored me. I think its helpful to share stories as I really thought I was coping really badly but I now know I’m quite normal. Xxxx
Hi mosie
My story is similar to yours. I lost my dad 21 years ago, loved him very much and just got on with it.
But when I lost my mum suddenly 4 months ago it has absolutely floored me too. How didnt we notice mum was so ill?
She never even caught a common cold. Like yours, we used to marvel at how fit and active she was, then suddenly she is taken in the blink of an eye by a catastrophic brain hemorrhage.
I am left in such disbelief and pain that I am barely existing.
Things have to get better because they cant get any worse.
Thinking of you x
It’s just the suddenness of it all. She must have felt so poorly with her back. But we thought it was just a bad back. Because that was what the drs told her. Her cough she got was a chest infection. Which the X-ray confirmed. It didn’t show anything else. I live 4 hours away and I didn’t drive back until she collapsed. She was only really ill for about 3 weeks and I was due to go back to see her mid August. So there was no urgency on my part especially when the X-ray showed all clear. About two weeks before. Dad was starting to get very concerned and so was I. But the dr just kept on reassuring us it was a pulled muscle and a cough. I used to live near her and we moved away last year for a better life for the my kids. My daughter was badly bullied. She was starting to self harm so we moved for a fresh start. And my children have never been happier. And I begged my parents to come with us. Which I think they would have done. So you can imagine how I feel I deserted her in her last year of life.
If I could turn that bloody clock back.
Jooles,
As my counsellor told me yesterday, would haves, should haves, could haves and if onlys are harmful and change nothing.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Everything we did, we did for our families and we arent doctors or medical specialists.
Mum had suffered a stroke and I stormed off because she told me to leave her alone. I didnt recognise her symptoms. When her post mortem report came through recently I was shocked to discover mum had suffered a historic heart attack. We had no idea and neither did the doctors.
It’s too easy for us to look back and blame ourselves but we weren’t to know.
I’m trying to think positive thoughts only from now on because our mums arent suffering.only we are x
Thank you all
For your wonderful replies. I don’t like showing emotion I get embarrassed but I have to let this crap out. I can’t keep it in. I feel better after a good cry if only for half an hour. X
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We are in grief strangely strange but oddly normal. X