I feel so lost

My darling Dai died on March 22nd 2020, Mother’s Day and the day before 1st lockdown started, after 36 years of him always being beside me I was alone, my daughter and her partner have helped where they can but they had there own grief to deal with as well as caring for there children. So essentially I was completely alone some weeks I spoke to no-one and to be honest nothings changed I’m still closed off, I still hardly speak to anyone I’ve forgotten how. I still cry every day losing him has left a huge gaping wound that feels as though it’s eating me whole. I tried taking an overdose but chickened out in case Dai wouldn’t be waiting for me but all I want is to be with him, I want to go home, I just want the pain to end and be back in his arms where I belong. How do I go on when it hurts so much?


Hello Jodai,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about Dai passing after so long together, and how hard life has been for you since then. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

You may also find the information pages on our website helpful - if you have a spare few minutes, please do take a look: https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please do keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,


I am so sorry you are going through this I can relate so much with what you have written. I have recently lost both my parents and I am also feeling lost and alone. If you want to talk I am here we can help each other please take care Kate xxx

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It’s a very difficult struggle to carry on. I lost my beloved of 40 years in June 2019. I have no family and only a few scattered friends. I am having a very hard time accepting that this is my life now. I don’t know if I will ever feel joy or true happiness again. I know I will always carry this sadness and pain with me. My life feels pointless and bleak many days. Suicide is not an option for me, and I have lost any spiritual beliefs I held before.

It is such a hard go. I tell myself to keep going, and to try to be positive as much as possible. I don’t want this overwhelming grief to destroy my spirit. I’m trying my best to accept that this is my life now, whether I like it or not. He will never be back, and I have to learn to deal with this new solitary existence.

I distract myself as much as possible. Small things - watching a flock of birds, growing plants, going for a walk, even cleaning the house. I’ve moved, I’ve made some new friends and taken up painting. Things that I enjoyed doing before & that had meaning for me, now feel like “time fillers” until the day is over, but I make myself do them. Once in awhile I do have short bits of enjoyment & fun - shortlived, but nonetheless uplifting. Those bits make me keep trying, with the hope they will become longer as time passes.

If I don’t keep myself “busy” or “doing something” it is very easy to get caught up in my grief. When the really negative thoughts arise I’m working on telling myself “NO - I am not going to go there!” - and try to go do something, or turn up the radio or go for a walk. I let myself cry but I also tell myself that my tears are not going to change a darn thing…

It’s very hard to find the strength or the desire to carry on, but I know he would want me to, and that I owe it to him to try. We just have to do the best that we can.