I feel so stupid

All my friends arranged a night out for me tonight. I really didn’t want to go. But everyone said it would be good for me and I didn’t want to let anyone down. It was an Elton John tribute act. So thought why not it would be good to get out I guess. Lost mum 8 weeks ago now and I’m trying to do normal stuff as I keep getting nagged at by my friends and family. I honestly just want to be left alone. But I went out. I lasted a couple of hours and then fled to the toilets in bits. I’m not ready and I’m getting cross with people trying to rush me. I feel even worse now than if I had been left alone at home to go to bed early and just have a quiet night. Now I feel embarrassed and silly that I showed myself up crying in the toilets. Why won’t people just leave me alone

Also to add it was my sons birthday this week and I survived all of that. Did the presents. Took him to a concert in Manchester. We live in Cornwall.
I decorated our hotel room. I’m living life as best as I can.

Sorry that didn’t make sense the last bit. I’m just trying to say that I’m not cooped up crying all the time. I’m doing my
Bit. But I need my own time. And I’m not getting it at all. I’m exhausted and I’m starting to feel as if I’m drowning

Please don’t feel embarrassed or silly. You are releasing your grief and that is very healthy. Do what is right and healthy for you. It’s going to take time.

Hi joules,

Poor you. You gave it a go and went out but you weren’t ready. There is nothing to feel stupid about.
My mum died 19 weeks ago and I’ve done very little socially. I met a friend for a pizza and a few drinks some weeks ago and cried through most of it. I’ve absolutely no interest in going out at all and I told my partner today that I wont be going to any Christmas drinks or parties at all.
It’s so hard to carry on as normal when our mums cant enjoy life anymore. I think that’s why I cant do it.
I think we need to focus on the little things we are still able to do rather than the things we cant. I can now go food shopping and get food for a couple of days where before I could only concentrate on getting one meal at a time. I rarely wake up at 4am like I dud for the first few months. I’m not putting any pressure on myself to stop crying or feeling awful. When it happens if happens but I’ve stopped questioning how long this will take on the advice of my counsellor today.
Dont be hard on yourself and feel confident to tell friends and family you arent ready for socialising just yet.
Cheryl x

Jooles45, people, in their own way, are trying to help. Unfortunately and fortunately for them, they dont understand how difficult it is. Its not just something that can so easily, ‘got over’. They prob dont know what to do to help, so my advice is to tell them. Tell them what u need right now, even if its as simple as saying, just shut up and listen. They ll prob do anything, as long as it helps you.

Hi Joules, I understand completely about not wanting to go out, well meaning friends wanted me to go out to an Abba tribute near to Christmas at first I agreed, then doubts set in, I was imagining being in the room with nowhere to go, trying to be jolly, the music would have floored me for sure, I would have had to wait until they were ready to bring me home too, so I have now declined. It wasn’t worth the trauma. I’m not celebrating Christmas like we used to, by now I would have bought two tubs of Christmas sweets, I have passed them by. I need to paint a happy face on Christmas Day for the sake of my grandchildren that’s going to be a hard thing to do. I understand I too am not ready, just taking day to day it’s 6 months for me now and it’s not getting any easier, happy at the moment to stay at home with my memories. Did I say happy No I’m not happy just existing.

Hi thank you. I feel a little better this morning. I was doing fine. But a Drunk friend kept hugging me. Then a song came on that mum loved. It was too much. Me sitting in a room full of happy people and songs my mum loved. It just seems too unbearable that she will never hear music again and she loved music. I know my friends mean well and I’m very grateful I gave them. It’s just too soon I think.

Totally agree joules,

My mum and I shared a love of 50s and 60s music plus a particular love of elvis.
I havent listened to music since mums funeral and actively avoid the radio apart from LBC.
I dont know if I will ever be able to do so again. The thought that they dont live anymore, cant watch tv, enjoy a nice meal, chat about our day. It’s just too much for me.
Take things slowly again and one day at a time x

I played music whilst she died all her favourites. We both love queen and elo and George Michael. A few hours before she died she was pretty much unconscious and I whispered to her “would you like some music”. And she nodded. So I put on her favourite queen and I sang radio ga ga to her. There is a bit in it where everyone claps to the beat. You will know which bit if you know the song. And I said “come on mum let’s do the clap”. And I clapped my hand on hers lightly. I knew she could hear it. Music will never be the same again for me

I agree and we loved queen and elo as well. Mum loved a particular George Michael song and I know I won’t ever listen to it again.
Today I’m trying to focus on what mum had in store for her if the brain hemorrhage hadnt happened and taken her peacefully. There is no doubt that a heart attack or stroke would have happened at home, killing her or rendering her non independent if by chance she survived. Mum would have hated that. I do wonder if some divine intervention decided to take my mum in the recovery room to donate her from whatever nature had in store for her in the coming days or weeks.
As devastated as I am I am so grateful mum didnt collapse at home or fail to wake up one day with my daughter or I having to go into her room and find her

Oh Cheryl absolutely she died peacefully and she skipped into that hospital. She wasn’t frightened she didn’t know she was ill. Our mums were taken too early. That’s the tragedy. Not how they died. Mum had cancer but it was very quick and she only knew for two days that she had it. I have to try and take comfort from that. She had her birthday with me in Cornwall we listened to her favourite songs. I had a cake made for her. We walked on the beach. She probably had the cancer then. But no one knew. I think that’s a blessing

You’re completely right. I know my mum couldn’t have handled knowing how ill she was. And for your mum to pass so quickly once cancer was diagnosed is a blessing. Perhaps both our mums had someone looking out for them in hospital that day.
Now to learn to live without them…x

Yes. Got to carry on now somehow. X

I’m out tonight for a birthday party. It’s only just over three weeks since my Mum passed away. I’m just going to have to put a smile on my face. I lived with my Mum and seeing her empty chair and her handbag sitting by it… It unreal. I keep thinking how did it come to this. She was getting older, but there was not real warning. I’m still in some sort of shock. The funeral is not done yet. But on the plus side I given myself time. Thanks for listening.

Oh there is absolutely nothing to feel stupid about. Bless your friends for looking out for you and trying to “cheer” you up…if only it was that simple. Sometimes people try to help without realising they can’t help.

I am the same…my mum died 7 months ago and although I don’t cry or think about it - I loved and miss her dearly but it’s just my way of coping so I’ve been told, but at the minute the way it happened etc it’s too much for me to think about. I simply can’t be bothered anymore. My friends, the same as yours try to include me and I have been to social events recently but I find myself being there but not actually engaging in what is happening or caring about what anyone says. This year for the first time in 6 years, I declined my works Christmas party invite even though I normally look forward to it all year. Everyone keeps asking me why and the truth is, This year, I can’t think of anything worse than drunken annoying happy people chatting hugging dancing - whereas last year I was 100% one of these, living and loving my best life.It’s nothing to feel silly about, it’s just…when things like this happen it changes our mindset and we will probably never be the same people as we were before, we just Learn how to adapt to our new lives and put on a braver face I imagine…big hugs xxxxxx

Hi daffy,

I’m the same. I bought a house last year big enough for my mum to move in. I gave her 3 rooms and she turned one into a living room. She splashed out on a large plasma tv and new sofas having spent no money for years and having had her old tv for 20 years. The plan was for her to live with us forever. As I open my front door I see her empty room and just cant believe how unfair it all is. She was so excited about her new living room and bedroom and of living with her daughter and granddaughter and cant believe it all got taken away.
What happened to your mum and how old was she?
Cheryl x

Tasha,

It’s completely how I feel. I’m not interested in social events, xmas parties and forget new years eve. I plan to be in bed for 9pm.
Losing my mum has meant I have lost interest in everything.
We used to love watching tv together, I now hate tv.
We used to love going round the shops, I now detest it.
We used to love living together and got excited about home furnishings, I now hate my house.
It is comforting to see how many of us all feel the same way since losing our mums x

Ahhh exactly same as me…Christmas New Years etc forget it!! Lol

It’s such a shame cuz we know deep down our mums wouldn’t want that, they would want us to enjoy our lives still, especially more so with us as we both have young children (I’ve seen your other posts about your daughter) but it’s hard to enjoy life without your best friend by your side and I’m sure you feel the same?? I do stuff with my son and he has a great time but…I just feel bored…not of him of course just like I have no interest in anything…yet I don’t want to do anything because the only person I want to do fun stuff with isn’t here. It’s a vicious circle really isn’t it? But yes your right, it’s nice to see we are not alone and it’s all perfectly “normal”

I know and the other day my daughter said how excited she was for xmas and I said even though nannys gone? Abd she replied yes mum I’m a child
They have a way of making you feel even more awful. My mum would hate the way I have become and would love nothing more than for me to enjoy life and make a big fuss of Christmas.
Like you , I just want my best friend by my side while we do it.
It really is a comfort talking to all these people who have lost their mums. I’m at work today surrounded by people who still have theirs and they just dont understand x

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