I find the modern term “passed” difficult..

I know you are a great believer in the power of the written word. Kathleen Jamie is a poet that I admire greatly. She has also written two books of essays on subjects mainly relating to the natural world… ‘Findings’ and ‘Sightlines’. In my opinion she is quite brilliant and I live in constant hope that a further book follows.
Another poet that writes great prose, in my opinion, is Simon Armitage. He is another Yorkshire Lad.

Thanks YorkshireLad, I’ll check them out…

I find it incredibly hard to say my parents are dead to some peopl. Usually those who have not experienced bereavement. Before this happened I didn’t like the expressions passed away or lost. I find myself using both passed and lost now for my Mum. With my Dad it is much longer ago and I have no problem in saying he has died. I know with time I will be able to use the proper term with Mum, just still feels so raw some days.

I make myself use the term “died” as I feel that it makes me confront the awfulness of reality.
Still, more than three months on, my eyes water, my chin wobbles, my voice quavers when I say, “My wife died” (it’s happening now) so maybe I am torturing myself unnecessarily.
Don’t know the answer.

Hello Edwin. That’s an interesting point you make about “confronting the awfulness of it.” I “lost” my Husband 25 months ago and I have never been able to use the “D” word. Because of this, I’m sure, that although I have been experiencing the grief I have never actually “confronted” it. It’s why, at 25 months I feel like a ticking timebomb of anger mixed with sadness that may explode at any time. I have been “fighting” against the reality of my loss for all this time and it’s exhausted every fibre of my being. Maybe if I had used the “D” word from the beginning I wouldn’t be in this state now, all these months later. The ironic thing is, that avoiding the use of the specific word for all this time in a sub-concious bid to protect me, I am now even more scared to actually use it. “D” sounds horrific, “passed away” seems a softer option in some respects, but at what cost? Everybody has their own way though don’t they. Another thing I do is count the “months” rather than the “years”. If I counted in years, I’d terrify myself with the amount of time that’s passed - but that’s a whole different post. Keep going Edwin.

Sorry Edwin, I rambled there. I didn’t mean to suggest not using the “D” word will have the same effect on anyone else, I don’t want to scare anyone. It’s just my personal experience.

I’m just the same. I decided right away that I would confront the reality and say my wife is Dead. It can be difficult at times and not sure why sometimes and not others. If I have to say any more I usually have to stop mid sentence, my eyes fill with tears and I try hard to get the rest of the words out. Strangely it gives me a sore throat. I can’t think of a way round it other than to wear a badge. I’m presume that gradually it will become less difficult. I usually avoid telling people as I’d rather not deal with their response.

I can’t bring myself to say my partner died I say I lost my partner. I can say my dad died which happened nearly 3 years ago.
Christine x

Oh, I will say that I “lost” my wife sometimes, but that is purely a matter of grammar. If you are using the first person singular with an active verb, then you have to. So I prefer to say “My wife died” (here go those pesky tear ducts again).

I think this is almost part of the acceptance of someone dying. Until I read this topic on this forum I had felt I had accepted my Mum’s death. I realise now that I haven’t in that I use the words passing, loss or lost.

Admitting this to myself has upset me so much that I have cried for Mum today for the first time in months.

YorkshireLad, realised that I have a sore throat too, apart from the runny eyes and nose!

I repeat:

My love for you is undying, therefore so are you…

Our loved ones can never be dead as they live on in us. I simply refuse to say my husband is dead. NEVER! He may have died but he’s not dead…

We all think differently and that’s how I choose to think. It comforts me.

Love to you all xx

2 Likes

Hello Mel
I’m really, truly sorry if any of my comments have contributed to your episode of sadness today. I hope you are feeling more settled now. Kindest regards.

Me too Kate I choose to say passed as from my experiences,my husband,mam,dad and brother have died here in the physical sense,they are not dead,they have given me strong signs they are very much still around.None of us are special we can all receive this connection,all you need is an open mind.However I do get many who look at me strangely if I mention anything,they think it is wishful thinking ,I am very happy to say it is true x

Hi Tina

Some days are still hard for me so no apology needed whatsoever. I have been for a walk this afternoon an gathered some dead branches to make an attempt at a Christmassy sort of arrangement. Have even just got my door wreath up too.

Feeling much better for some fresh air.

Mel
Xx

1 Like

Good morning Iced Bun,
People will use the wording and term passed, dead etc to which they feel most comfortable with and gives them comfort. I myself always use the wording passed away, to me it seems to soften the heartache than saying my husband is dead, which always feels like a knife going straight through me. I try to think my darling husband has just gone into another room, yes I can’t see him but I know he walks beside me each day and yes I speak to him every day when I pass his photo and pray that ne day we will be together. Each individual copes in their own way and will use the wording that feels easier for them.
I do hope you will find peace and comfort in the months that will follow and carry on using what ever wording you choose.Wishing you peace and love at this time of the year we all find so hard to face. X

2 Likes