I lost my sister unexpectedly in April 2020 she was 50 diagnosis to death due to brain tumour less than 14 weeks.
I’ve posted before re her husband getting shut of everything with in weeks, on dating sites in less than 12,gslavanring with his, fancy woman, woman staying in his, home, now today I’ve found put via his, daughter he’s, moved a, woman into his home. She’s sold her house and shifted in with him.
Fare enough you crack on but if I ever hear like you’re always, spouting how you’ve lost love of you’re life, you’re just waiting to die, to be with her again I’ll bloody smack you in the face. He’s liveing large on the insurance money, this, woman’s house cash and every other week he’s, away on holiday.
I know he can live his life however he wants. My rational mind knows life moves on and he could live another 20 years he’s 63 and he probley doesn’t want to go through his life alone. I get all that. Then the other part is upset that he’s moved on relatively quickly as though my sister never existed as though she didn’t matter to him as though he didn’t love her enough to never want another woman in a sexual this is, my new partner way. My sister was so young when she died I get angry and upset that she should be doing all these things. All my emotions get mixed up it triggers everything to do with her death and brain tumour.
I don’t actually have any contact with him anymore and it’s going that way re my neice also who’s accepted this woman, they’re all of on holiday together next month. It’s like the family is split in 2 half’s myself and my mum and dad are still greifing Bradley and are very upset by all this, he and his daughter have moved on.I guess a wife is easier to find a replacement for to fill that role, I can’t find surrogate sister my parents a daughter.
Sometimes these things split families even though we initially were all together supporting each other when she was ill, how we dealt with it afterwards tore us, all apart.
I had a similiar experience with my daughters husband who claims to have moved and found ‘love’ within a very small space of time (possibly even before she died he was seeing this woman). I was so Angry it’s off the scale. Now though, it’s nearly 4 months since she died and although he’s got the girlfriend he’s apparently crying all the time. After piles of heartache I’ve decided he’s not worth the energy. I’m leaving him to it. I see my grandkids but not him. He knows he’s not welcome in my house and keeps away. He’s no longer part of my life. I can’t tell him what to do, he won’t listen. Just because someone has got a new partner, particularly if it’s way too quick, doesn’t mean they are happy. Even if they look happy, they may be grasping at straws to avoid the grief. Just cos they’ve got someone doesn’t mean it will last or that they’ve found love. If you can, leave him to it, chances are his grief will find him before long. You don’t have to care what he does now. He’s not the important one right now, you are the important one and you need space to grieve, you are better than his behaviour. I wish you some peace. Xx
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That’s a really excellent response - leave him be and let him get on with it as who knows what’s in store for him. The welfare of the niece is the most important thing.
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Thankyou all
It’s so sad for my parents that they are looseing touch with their granddaughter she’s 23, they ring, she never picks up, text she doesn’t respond, WhatsApp nothing theyeve tried and tried in the end its too hurtful being obviously blanked.
Leave them to it sod them.
My grandkids are teenagers, what I decided to do if I don’t hear from them is I text them once a week. They sometimes don’t answer, which upset me at first. I decided in the end that I will text every week, regardless of whether I get an answer. That way there is always a door open if they do want help or to talk. I might only say thinking of you, always here. If somethings happened that will interest them I mention it. Other than that I wait for them to contact me. Texting at least reminds them I love them, like their mum did. It took some of the sting out of it once I decided to do that.
Teenagers never have their phone out of their hands
But always ignore text and phone calls unless it from friends. So don’t look too much into it.They all grow up eventually.Then they realise what’s important in their lives my daughter husbandman a compulsive gambler.he got evicted from his flat and left my grandson who is autistic on the doorstep to deal with the bailifs.He had some women he moved in with.We took my grandson tolive with us he’s 19.My advice is let them go I know it’s upsetting.But they are not worth the energy.Grief and remember your loved ones not them
I absolutely agree with you. Teenagers want to talk to their mates, I was the same, as someone reminded me. I want them to be focusing on their friendship group and have as much ‘normality’ as possible. I think as long as I stick with texting them weekly I can live with them not replying some of the time. Main thing is they know I’m here and I’m on their side if they need me. It is a simple way of reminding them I care. So they know, even if they don’t want to talk on any particular day, it won’t be an issue when they do want to talk. I’ve also said they are welcome to come round anytime just text or phone first. That works well too and they respect it. I think that might be as good as it gets with two teenagers trying to find their own independence at the same time as losing their mum. Xx
You are doing everything right.My oldest Grandson is 24 and when he was at uni his mum worried constantly he never replied to any phone calls or messages just came home with dirty washing.Since his Mum passed we see a lot of him he’s turned into a thoughtful young hang in there Nell it will all come right in the end.And if it doesn’t you can comfort yourself that you did everything right xx
That should read man
I have tried, with the help of one of my friends to look at it from a teenage girls point of view. I can’t really expect them to worry about me, considering what they’ve lost. I just want to make sure going forward for the rest of my life at least, they know I’m here. I love to see them but I don’t want them ‘duty’ calling. All school kids have also been through the covid chaos and that was really hard for teenagers too. So I’m gonna try and be the grown up and allow them to be teenagers, they certain,y deserve some fun. Xx
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My neice, my parents granddaughter is not a tanager she’s a grown woman of 23 in her own home that she funded with money after her mum, my sister died, she lives with her boyfriend. She’s plenty time to do idiotic tiktok videos, put shit on facebook and upload photos all the time but is too busy to text or give 5 minutes to her grandparents. Like someone else says you get sick of trying to make excuses for these selfish self centred I individuals that are more concerned with likes and comments on tikto from strangers than connecting with real people in there life’s.
Lonley
What my bloody neice doesn’t realise is I’m the executor of her grandparents, will when owt happens and they’ve said it is totally at my disgretion if they receive money from the estate and I’ve not to bother if they aren’t in touch regularly. Like you I bet they’d soon be bloody in touch if I text saying I need you’re bank details to transfer a few thousand into.
She sounds very self centred and disrespectful. You deserve better. One of the things that happened to me and it seems quite common, is that we find out who really cares about us when someone dies. When I needed help there were several people I thought would care, but they turned away. Also several people who did unexpected kind things. Grief is awful and can cause rifts and a lot of anger specially in families. Definitely in my family it has. I don’t think we can make selfish people listen if they don’t want to. I’m leaving those people alone, not for their sakes, but for mine so I can think about how I’m gonna live my life going forward after the loss, cos I count just as much as them. I’m not gonna bang my head on that brick wall anymore. I’m gonna start putting my well being ahead of others who don’t respect me. After all we’ve been through we need to think of what helps us to cope. I’m not saying it will be easy but it feels better than hoping or praying some people will change. If they choose by themselves to contact me and show me respect I will do the same. If they don’t that’s their problem, not mine. It has helped me restore my self respect a bit and I don’t have to feel I should be trying to fix it. If they want to fix it they know where I am. I won’t be chasing them. I send you all kindness and respect. A hug too xx
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We too found out who real friends, were when my sister past and to be blunt there, wasn’t many. My sisters best Freind of over 30 years was brilliant, my Freind of over 30 years was there too even if it was just to say drop you’re dog off ill look after him day or night if you need to so you don’t have to worry he’s left alone whilst we visited the hospital and other stuff when she was on home hospice care. Everyone else just talked the talk but we’re always unavailable to put things into action.
You find out what people, are made of when things are tough, when awfull things happen. My husband was brilliant he was such a great support and did everything he could to make things, easier, picking up my parents taking them to the hospital so they didn’t have to worry about finding parking spaces doesn’t sound much but it was, so stressful trying to park up so having someone take you and then return later was brilliant and it was a 90 minute round trip. I used to be awake on the sofa my phone at my side because my sister would ring at all hours, to talk to take her mind of things especially when she was, waiting for the brain surgery to try and remove the tumour. I’d just chat shit and for a, few hours we’d forget she was dieing until she’d say I’m terrified and I’d try and keep calm and not cry and say don’t be daft they can perform miricles but if course no miricles came. I’d give everything to have my phone ring and it be her on the end. I don’t know why I do this to myself relive it, remember it. She said to me please don’t ever forget me… I won’t sister I’ll never forget you I always talk about you include you in the conversation even though it tears, me apart knowing you’re gone.
Your saying that your sister said ‘don’t forget me’ cos it reminded me of when my daughter died and my grandaughter said ‘will mum remember me?. All I could say was ‘she’s always in your heart’. You forgetting your sister won’t happen because you still love her. It’s still in your heart. I wish there were better words, it’s true tho. Sending you kindest wishes and take care of yourself as best you can. Keep posting x
My sister said she would come back and haunt me and I said I’ll know its you just mess, with the TV and lights but do not interfear with my bloody sky box. Ever since she passed away every now and then the TV will switch on in the middle if the night, or we’ll wake up and think whys the bedroom light on and ill get up turn the TV off and light and say we know it’s you messing with stuff. Yes, some, folks, might think it’s nuts but it gives me comfort.
I stayed at the hospital overnight the night before my sister had her brain operation I sat watching her in a chair at her bedside. She’d been told she could die on the, table, or be left on permanent life support, in the end she had a massive blood clot which left her unable to speak properly, see, walk, eat, it was, like a, massive stroke, they got most of the tumour out but within weeks, it had grown back.That night we ordered a KFC to be delivered to the hospital and ate it together, we talked about stuff, she asked me to look after her daughter, she cried and I held it together whilst falling apart inside, she slept a little but not much and I was so aware that it could be her last night on earth. I don’t understand why she didn’t want her husband there that night I did say to him he should stay but he refused said his back would hurt if he’d to be in a chair all night… Looking back that was typical of that toss pot. The next day my dad came down and my husband and my sisters, hubby, our mum was, falling apart and stayed at home she wasn’t capable of not breaking down and we didn’t want my sister seeing tears at the bedside, she’d already said she cpukdnt be doing with folks, crying. God she was so bloody brave, brave doesn’t even cover it how she faced it knowing the operation was going to take over 13 hours knowing she could die yet she never cried that morning she just smiled and said to the surgeon let’s do this.
God I miss her so much.
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Hi Paula, you have really been through the mill and it’s beyond painful. I’m in here cos I just lost my daughter. My partner died with a brain tumour too and thata absolutely heart wrenching to see. He had a gloiblastoma for which they could do practically nothing. The hospital simply put him in a side room and more or less left him to it. They were only giving him palliative care . He amazed us all by simply walking out of the hospital, he still had the use of his legs at that point. When he showed up at home out of the blue I decided I wouldn’t even try and make him go back. I phoned his GP and he was fantastic and got Hospiscare organised to care for him at home for his last couple of months.Brain tumours are an awful thing, in his case it changed his personality too. It’s all so very painful for your sister and for you. It was 10 years ago. I still think of him everyday and miss him but I can honest,y tell you that know, when I think of him it’s to remember the good times and his last months aren’t centre stage in my memory. It takes a long time but it is possible, not to recover from the grief but to live with the loss. It’s very early days for you and full of heartache and issues with how others behaved. That will stop be all encompassing in time. It doesn’t go away but it is possible, in time to remember your sister as she was in the good times. Sending you all my best wishes and hopes for you as you go forward. Xx
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I’m so sorry you’ve lost you’re daughter.
Brain tumours are awfull all cancers, are. You think that modern medicine has the answer to every ailment but actually it doesn’t or if it does its, just to prolong a life a, little longer but not actual cure and in some cases, like my sisters, make it worse. Before her brain operation she was really really dizzy that was her symptom that something was, wrong, but she could walk, talk eat . When the tumour was discovered they shoved her on steroids and she felt great and was in no pain she was virtually normal but was in hospital awaiting the operation, at the time the plan was to remove the tumour as much as possible then give chemo or radiation this was all based on the tumour being a priory brain tumour. Alas they’d not spotted on the full body scans, that she’d bowel cancer that had spread to the brain. They operated on her head and she was left sevearly impaired, then another hospital spotted the bowel stuff, she was left too ill too weak to start chemo and we still thought she’d get stronger and we still had hope. Then we were told there was none, and no treatment, I wanted a second opinion I wanted christis in Manchester to look at the scans, ect after all the so called experts, had missed the bowel cancer but my bro in law refused and my sister coulddnt talk properly to make her wishes known. We got her home just before the first lock down and she had palliative care at home. She signed a dnr and planned her funeral, due to covid none of what she wanted could happen. Two years, have passed since she past but I’m still in that hospital, still at her bed side. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again not really.
You’re words, have helped I know I need to focus, in on the good times she was, more than those final few weeks and it is, getting easier.
Thankyou everyone.
My partners was different, they are all awful. First thing I noticed was he was doing strange things, like going down one way streets the wrong way. We went out for a walk and he couldn’t remember where he was. I was worrying it was dementia. He went to his GP who didn’t seem to take it seriously. The he started having fits and sent for a brain scan. I rushed to the hospital and they told us both straight away he was going to die. Then told us we would have every bit of support we needed every bit of the way. Hospice nurses and GP were good but social services said they had nobody to come help with his general care and lifting etc. that was a battle. He went from a big strong personality with a big strong body to being like a baby. We had Marie Curie nurses as often as they could and they were excellent. They did everything with compassion, not only to my partner but to me too. It’s impossible for us to get everything right for someone who is dying but I think you and I did the very best we could. You have your sister in your heart. She won’t be forgotten. Hugs and love x
My sister had gone to her gp numerous times she even said cpukd I have a brain tumour he told her she was, just a fussy woman suffering from anxiety, even when she’d started to loose weight and was, unable to get out of bed clutching her head at this, stage in pain the gp still insisted she was over reacting, we called an ambulance and the paramedics said we were wasting everyone’s time but we insisted she be taken into hospital, even there they initially refused to do a brain scam but my mum stood her ground, my sisters husband was busy doing fuc** all and didn’t go to the hospital. My sister had the scan and was told she had a, massive brain tumour and was going up to nuro ward. My mum phoned her husband and said get here now, but he said he’d see what he could do 5 hours later he arrived. He wasn’t working that day and lived 10 mins from the hospital. We never found out what was more important that he left his, wife with her mother to get this devestateing info and didn’t go till almost 7pm at night. I’ll never forget getting a, tex from my mum saying ring you’re dad, I thought he’d say Traceys fine she’ll be home soon, instead he couldn’t speak he was in a right state I’ve never heard him like that ever, I just said say yes or no, have they found something, yes, is it a, brain tumour, yes. I fell apart was sick, shaking, crying I couldn’t get the, words out to my husband what had happened. We offered to go to my parents, but they wanted to be alone. I didn’t sleep for almost 2 weeks I was that traumatised. You don’t really get or understand shock real shock until it happens. Life became a nightmare, 3 months later she was dead. I saw my parents, age 20 years, over night,I was, so angry at the world, the why why my sister.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, also.
I hope I never ever have to watch someone die of cancer, brain or otherwise again.
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