My Wife was my best friend. We share an incredible connection, even now - but I feel so utterly alone in my life without her here.
My Wife had pain in her leg for 18 months - we thought it was severe vitamin D deficiency (based on a private GP blood test results), then my Wife had a pulmonary embolism in October last year, at which point it was identified that she had advanced cancer. Palliative care was the only option and we hoped to have some more years together. Heartbreakingly, we only had 3 more months together, and every week things became worse. I cared for my Wife when the hospice discharged her to come home for her final weeks.
The emptiness that I feel now is crushing. I have run on adrenaline for over a year, caring for my Wife and the final week was a week that nobody should ever have to go through. Now that this is over, the grief, the loneliness and my lack of purpose have hit me and I have no idea what I am doing anymore.
I know that my Wife wouldn’t want me to cry all of the time, but it hits me in waves. The loss of our future together has left me feeling totally lost. I don’t know what to do with my life.
I am going to attend the hospice’s Grief Kind Space tomorrow for the first time. I don’t know what to expect, but I do hope that it helps. I feel particularly alone because I’m 49, and I’m worrying that the other people there may be much older than I am.
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
i am so very sorry for your loss.It was heartbreaking what your dear wife had to go through.You did so well caring for your dear wife.i hope you will find this site brings you some comfort and support.it has helped me a lot since losing my dear wife coming up to 12 months next month.There are so many people on her so kind and understanding.we all really do know how it feels to lose our dear loved ones as we are all experiencing various stages of grief and loss.I miss my dear wife so much, its broken my heart she was everything to me, my world and she was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly here at home.It is a horrible journey we find ourselves on.i have gone through so much pain and have felt exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.Grief has no direction and timeline.Its the loneliness and emptyness we find so hard to come to terms with.I dont think we ever get over grief and our loss its trying to learn to live with it somehow in this new sort of life we now find ourselves in.our lives have changed completely, i know i will never be the same again and my life will never be the same.we have to try our best to adjust to our new life, take things step by step, day by day, moment by moment.i still often find myself in a daze, living in a world that is somehow alien to me now.Where once it was always my dear wife and i now its just me alone.Our love for our dear loved ones will never leave us and their love for us will be with us for evermore for eternity.It is so hard for us but we have to try our best.Hrief really is a rollercoaster full of twists and turns ups and downs for me more downs than ups.
you are doing the right thing in going to the hospice tomorrow, i hope you will find it helpful and supportive.try not to worry about the ages of the people at the hospice.you will all be there for each other.
Look after yourself that is so important.reach out to us on here, everyone is so understanding and supportive.Take care.
Dear Stranded, I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are suffering.
My wife died 12 months ago from cancer. She had severe pain for over a year before that but was told, by multiple doctors, that it was just backache which would get better on its own. By the time she was diagnosed properly, she only had weeks left - most of which were spent asleep in the hospice as a result of the strong painkillers she had to take.
Like you I feel utterly alone. She was my soul mate and my best friend. Life feels kind of pointless and crying is still a daily event. I wouldn’t say it gets better - although I know some do because everyone’s grief is different. But if you allow yourself to grieve in your own way, cut yourself some slack and take each day as it comes, you do at least move forwards of sorts.
I’m 57 now - 56 when the love of my live died. Sadly it’s not just old people who are affected, so I wouldn’t worry about being out of place at the hospice event.
I know how painful it must be for you as caring for your wife is hard as i know i cared for my husband for a long time and i know how you feel when they are gone you are lost just like me i feel like i am surplus to requirement now as nobody needs me and you are younger than me if you go.to bereavement conselling could you tell me how it goes i have only had it over the phone never face to face which i feel might be better its so hard trying to cope without them when we know they should still be here be kind to yourself as we need to be kind as there is no one else to care for us i know how much i miss my husband so it must be the same for you
Thank you everyone for your replies so far, it’s helpful to know what other people’s experiences are and what I might expect.
I pushed myself to get out this morning. I had to go to the funeral directors and then back to the hospice to attend a Sue Ryder Grief Kind meeting. I felt so young there, which is the first time I’ve felt “young” for a long time. I talked to a couple of gentlemen there, but I found it hard to make small talk because it felt more like a weekly social event.
I promised my Wife that I will go to counselling, so when this is offered by the hospice I will definitely do it.
Afterwards, I went to a coffee shop where there’s a tarot reader - I know it sounds corny, but my wife and I had talked years ago about having readings done there. The lady didn’t ask me anything, but the cards that I chose did give me some guidance which actually made sense to me. I’ve never done anything like that before and I know it’s not life advice, but it felt like the right thing to do.
Right now, I feel like time is the only healing I’ll have for a while. I’m grateful for our great little dog, who makes me smile and gives me a reason to keep going.
That is lovely news that at the end of a.bad start to your day you had a lovely finish to it i have wanted.for so.long to see someone who does tarot reading i feel it might give me some comfort i am not sure i have a nieghbour who does this but i feel.she might know to much about myself and my husband so it difficult i am so.glad your little dog makes you smile we all need that one in a while
U can cry that’s ok but u need to remember she loved you and she’s watching over you and would want you to still have a life she’s gone and that’s ok but ur losing yourself and that will only hurt her coz she’s in your heart.
My husband’s death 10 months ago was very sudden and totally unexpected. My very fit and healthy husband died in his sleep of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. The world shattered into a thousand pieces and now lacks colour or joy. I’m putting on a mask to make other people feel comfortable because it’s easier than having to explain that I feel as if half of me is missing.
You’re 3 years younger than I am and must feel very isolated - I know I did. None of my friends had gone through this (thankfully). What I’ve learned over the past months on this forum is that grief is universal when you lose someone you love. As “younger” people maybe we just thought we had more time with our loved one.
Please use this forum, it’s a good way of getting the emotions out.
Take care of yourself….even if it feels hard to do so right now.
There are alaways in our hearts that is something we will never lose i know my husband would not want me to feel this sad all.of the time but just sometimes we find it hard going out or doing anything that we need to i know today was hard for me going out feeling that i had to hide from everybody and could not.wait to get back to my car then i had to pop into the doctors to go to the tiolet and a guy in his car was giving me grief for.wanting to park i got in therr as fast as i could and came out to go to screwfix picked my order up and got back to.my car safety again then another guy came and was looking at me and kept looking back at me it.made me feel so anxoius all i wanted now was home where i would be safe this is a strange and not so nice world we life in and find ourselfs in
I am so sorry to hear of you sad and unexspected loss you must be tottally lost and distraught to have a healthy husband one munite and the next gone this has made me cry , i know what you mean about putting on a mask as i have been doing that.myself for the past 5yrs it was so.different for me but it still hurts just as much when i know i have to go out soni paint a look on my face and hide behind the mask this is such a horrible road that we are on
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wearing a mask is emotionally draining isn’t it? I don’t think I’m ever going to stop missing my husband and I suspect it’s the same for you too.
I went for a swim yesterday, something that my husband and did together. I imagined he was there at the other end of the pool with a smile on his face waiting for me to get to him.
That’s how life is now. We’re no longer the person we were, yet the change of life is brutal.
It is a strange world know i do not go swimming or anything like that i did a lot with paul and i feel so stressed at doing anything on my own everything was done with him and now i just feel i cannot do it on my own i would love to go to bridlington but it has so many memories i now i.will break down there is nothing that i did not do with him holidays ,weekends away , nights out , going to the pub for a meal there is nothing i did on my own and that is what makes it harder on this lonely strange road that we find ourselfs on i can drive and have a car but i just go shopping even that is a task on its own driving is something that paul taught me and thats all i have left of him so i make sure i still go out
I have not long passed tge 2yr mark of loosing my beloved husband. Im now 55 at the time 53 and I can honestly say I feel your pain.
Loosing your soul mate is hard at any time but loosing your soul mate young is devastating. It doesn’t get better thats not the correct terminology I think it gets easier in coping with the turmoil.
I my self liken it to a rollercoaster ride where I am hanging on foe for dear life hoping not to fall off.
I also find being of working age everything regarding coffee mornings meeting up and talking to people are week days when you have to work its so hard to find anything at weekends.
8 days since my Wife went to a new, peaceful place and things are getting very hard now.
I ran into our neighbours this morning when I was walking our dog. They are nice people and offer me help, if I need it, but what shocked me was that I put on a brave/normal face when I was talking with them, walked our dog, but then fell to pieces as soon as I got back to our house. After reading some of the posts on here (and in a similar Facebook group), I’m scared that this is how my life will be for a very long time.
I’ve always been a morning person - that’s when I’m the most productive. This week I pruned some shrubs in our garden on a couple of mornings, but the afternoons just go on forever. I force myself to do things because I “should” be doing them.
The gardening needed to be done. My Wife and I loved our garden, and when she was in pain last year (months before the cancer diagnosis) I used the garden to heal myself from the ongoing trauma/stress of trying to make my Wife’s life as comfortable as possible. Since my Wife’s diagnosis and passing, I can do work in the garden, but I can’t set foot in the garden to relax or heal. Maybe being in the garden isn’t healing enough: I’ve found that the deep breathing techniques that my Wife and I used to use barely work and we both have subscriptions to Calm, but as soon as everything in our world got really bad in November last year, things like Calm, breathing exercises and mindfulness all feel like they achieve nothing. Has anyone found anything that does help with these feelings?
My Wife was a planner and this has rubbed off on me. I had plans to start a new life looking after dogs (my Wife brought dogs to my life), and my Wife loved this idea. In December when we talked about this, it all felt good. Now I am alone I don’t feel the same about this plan. I can’t even bring myself to sort out the sitting room that I converted into a bedroom for my Wife to come home. to from the hospice It still looks like the battlefield that it was on the day that my Wife passed. People say it all takes time, and I know that it’s still far too soon for me to do anything, but I feel so utterly empty now that I just cannot see myself doing anything for a very long time.
8 days is no time at all. Our minds are not so quick to process trauma. Your put on a “brave” face in front of your neighbours but fell apart at home because emotionally, it takes a lot of mental effort to mask feelings.
I’m 10 months on and at work act “normal” but as soon as I leave work and am in my car, I sob away.
I know exactley how you feel it is far to soon for you i wish i could tell you it gets easier but it has not for me i don’t like it when people say that to me as if they even understand any of it i met a friend whom we used to meet up with and for once she did not say sorry instead she said to me she could not even begin to understand what i was going through and i thought somebody that understands that made such a difference i can understand how you felt talking to the neighbours i too still after 5yrs get chocked up when someone says to me how are you doing and i just cannot say this is a hard road that we are on and do not worry about not.getfing the room sorted out it takes time for me it was so diffirent as the bed was on loan and the overhead hoists would you believe it bit on the day of my husbands funeral they turned up for the equipment luckly pauls care company was there and told them to go away as this was not the time , as i said i am 5yrs in and still have all his clothes i know i need to clear them out but i just feel its another part of paul that i am getting rid off i do not want to erase him from my life and i know that soinds very silly, you have to.take it one day at a time be easy on yourself i am always on here if you ever need to talk scream or just rant i will inderstand an you can pm at anytime if you would like that
Empty is a very normal feeling. The one thing I will say that i have found is your grief journey is yours alone there are a lot of similar things we all go through but the timing are very individual.
My dog passed on thursday who was my lifeline these last 2yrs so the grief is hard for me at the moment
You will not feel numb forever or empty forever I slowly began to learn to deal with grief.
As I said if you want to chat if you feeling will help I am happy to chat
Spiritual healing helped me. I am a Christian and Faith is the catalyst for healing and transfiguration in that path. I believe that I was made and will serve my maker. When I sleep my maker keeps me alive and even now I am alive so I have faith that my life is a gift here and now and that my purpose is to Be Alive. That’s it, but how hard that is.
