Who do I reach out to? There is no one. Posting on here is not helping. I need physical contact and face to face. We sheilded for almost two years. The lasts few months of Judy’s life was spent in hospital and I could not see her because of the virus. By the time I was allowed to see Judy again it was too late. I hugged her but I could not get a hug back because she was unconscious. I have not been around people for a long time. The thought that all I have left now is messages from anonymous people on the internet makes me feel worse. I have no one I can talk with face to face, no one I can see or talk to. There is nothing there. Where I live, we have the highest suicide rate in the country - there is a reason for that - because there is nothing here. I hang on in hope but I don’t know how long I can take. I won’t be missed by anyone, and I know i would lay undescovered for weeks or months. I spent the last 21 years looking after Judy, there was only ever us, no one else helped - there was only us. Now it’s just me.
Hi Ronnie
I went through similar lar to you 6 weeks ago. June my wife had been disabled by MS and Cancer but bravely fought on. June collapsed while sat in her chair at the kitchen table and died in front of me suddenly and unexpectedly. It was horrific. We were married 43 years and have no family of our own. I get what you are saying and I think everyone on here will understand your feelings. Please don’t do anything in haste. Call someone now. The NHS Crisis Team, Samaritans, 111. There are people who are willing to help. Please try. I know what you are going through.
The crisis team have been and gone. There is nothing here. I am left to do what ever I want, nobody cares. There is no one to reach out to.
I’m so sorry - I don’t know what to say.
Are you sleeping much Ronnie?
I sleep too much I think. I sleep in a very odd pattern. Sometimes I don’t know when I’m asleep or when I’m awake… I don’t know what’s going on. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I just lay here… Nobobody comes here so no reason to get up.
Sleeping is an escape for me but it’s very disturbed now. I take a sleeping tablet nightly. I have no wish to go out or do much else either. Once I wake that’s it the quality is gone. When June was here it was similar as I woke most times when she got out of bed in case she fell. Never got a good sleep. Keep posting on here. There are people going through similar if not the same process Ronnie.
I can’t get sleeping tablets as my gp worries I will take the lot in one go. I have antidepressants but I only get given small doses at a time. My gp is just covering his back. There is nothing here. I feel im just waiting to die.
Have you tried asking to speak to another GP Ronnie. They are not all the same. I’m new to this journey too. I hate it. The loneliness is awful but all we can do is take it slowly day by day in the hope over time we will get stronger.
Are you saying the services are ignoring your requests for help Ronnie or that you just cannot find anyone who can help you?
There are no services where I live. I live in Bootle merseyside. We have the lowest life expectancy and the highest suicide rate. There is a reason for that - because if you don’t have family to help you you are pretty much finished. I have seen all the GPS in the practice - there is nothing to offer. They worry if they give me enough medication I will just take the lot, they don’t want to be writing reports out on why they gave me medication knowingly I am suicidal. But there is nothing here, I’m not just saying that, that is the fact of the matter. I have given up. I’m just laying here waiting for it to end. Something has got to give because I can’t carry on feeling like this.
You must phone someone and ask for the crisis team to come and assess you . Please ask for help .
Sorry from my delayed response Ronnie. I’m in a very similar position to you. I have little in the way of understanding family support. No regular visitors. No one understands Ronnie unless they have been through this horror. Some losses are expected but a lot have aggravating factors such as not being present or like myself sudden and unexpected. Telling me it’s early days in the process is of no consolation to me no matter how well intentioned.
I live North of you in a deprived area. I cannot quote the stats that you have done about Bootle. Can I please suggest you contact someone and try again to get some help. Have you been to hospital? Have you spoken to the Police who will ensure you are safe. Keep trying to get help Ronnie it’s all any of us can do to try and move forward me included. Take care mate.
That has all beebn done. The crisis team have been and gone.
Yes, that has all been done. The police were here a few times and got me a food parcel over Christmas. The last time they were here they gave me a phone number for berevment services in Liverpool. They could not help as I am not in Liverpool. I live here where there is nothing. There is nothing the police can do, I have not committed a crime. They cannot help if there is no help.
All I can say Ronnie is keep trying to get help. I have just had another meltdown before responding back to you so I do know some of what you are experiencing. A stranger who I met only once before rang my doorbell and I was in bits already. You need someone to talk to and get some of what you have bottled up out. It’s embarrassing for me but it helps. If no one is listening to how low you are feeling make them listen by continuing to call them whether it’s 111, the crisis team, hospital or the Police.
Thank you for speaking with me, I know about meltdowns I front of complete strangers I cry constantly - I know exactly what I’ve lost. I don’t have anyone knocking here or phoning. I will lay another day like I do everyday and wait for something to happen. There is nothing else I can do. I need help but there isn’t any.
I’m so sorry to hear this! I lost my husband after 33 years together, I’m 2 years on and miss him every day. He’s on my mind in everything I do. Yes the pain is too much to bear at times but somehow, I don’t know how but we battle on. Tell your story! Talk to random strangers, anyone, and on here! We know your pain.xx. I walk my dog everyday it clears my head a little. Try get out of the house it becomes our prison at times. Try Keep Strong even on the bad days! I know it’s easier said than done! I wanted to end my life but I managed to get to today, I hope things get easier for you. 
Karen.x
Hi Karen, thank you for your message. I’ve got no reason to get up or go out. I go the shop at night in the dark only when I have to. I don’t see anyone. If I see a neighbour it’s just a brief hello. Nobody wants to know, people have their own lives. My landlord has been a great help, she sorted my universal credit so the rent gets paid and I have some money to buy food. I gave my job up over 20 years ago to be a full time carer for Judy. I’m now left on the couch with no one to talk to. I’m waiting for something to happen but I know I’m going to die here alone. I’m so depressed. I’ve lost everything and I don’t care about myself anymore, I looked after my beautiful Judy but she’s gone now.
I know some of what you feel. Like Judy I cared for June up to a point when she woul let me although she was really independent and refused some things I suggested. We did our vey best and in return they loved us and stayed with us all those years. June was far stronger than me mentally and demonstrated this numerous times. I guess it’s now our turn to help ourselves. I’m lying down writing this . Cannot be bothered to do anything.? You are not alone going through this. I hate going out now. It fills me with dread. Tell the forum more about your life with Judy the better times you had it might help. Take care mate.
I’m sorry, please don’t let my negativity get you down further. If I was nearer we could meet and chat. I’m isolated here. Before Judy died we suffered years of social isolation but we had each other. It’s all over now and I only have dreams that mix with reality. I wish I had somewhere to go.