Hello everyone, this is my first post. I lost my dad nearly 3 years ago but haven’t talked much about my feelings around this & don’t think I’ve grieved properly yet. The circumstances around his death were a bit ‘different’, he was diagnosed with cancer in March 2020 & died that July. It was the first Covid lockdown so things were weird anyway, my daughter was off school for months & I was juggling working from home with looking after her. My dad donated his body to medical research, we didn’t have a funeral or attend his cremation, further reasons which I think have stopped me grieving properly. My mum’s coped well but I sometimes feel I’ve supported her whilst ignoring my own feelings.
Apologies for that big splurge of information!
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Thank you for writing your words, it is so important if we can get those words out but it’s not easy. My words feel agony to me. I’m just sending best wishes your way and hope you get some replies. This forum is good for just letting everyone just let out how they feel. Best wishes 
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Hello, it seems you’ve been so busy being a great parent and a caring daughter that you maybe haven’t given yourself any time so stop and think about you. I sometimes feel so busy with my job that I get annoyed at myself that I haven’t thought about my Mum for hours then it hits me all over again when there’s a quiet time or holiday and I can think. I find it helpful to play my Mum’s favourite music or write a letter in a notebook to her, it seems my thoughts come out easier- good and bad. You’ve been so strong already, maybe just slowing things down a bit to take in how your life has changed. Take care.
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Thank you for your kind words. Sending you a big hug.
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Thank you. My dad had SO many photos & my mum’s been passing them on to me, I love looking through them & remembering my dad in happy times, he always had a big smile (everyone says that about him). Sending you a big hug & thanks for responding to me.
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Hi Franny
Just read your post.
I just want to say I don’t know if there is a right way or a wrong way to grieve.Maybe you have grieved but not in the way others do. Emotions can be different for everyone and even tucked away in your heart it’s grieving
Thinking of you
Deborah x
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Thank you for replying. I do feel I tend to push my emotions (about lots of things) down rather than allowing myself to feel them. I don’t think it’s entirely healthy.
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Hi Franny, I’m so sorry that you lost your dad and are finding it hard to grieve.
From what you’ve written, you’ve been a real support to your family but have put your own needs and feelings to the side. I hope that by coming on here and telling people your story, you will feel supported and understood.
I lost my mum in November last year and right now I’m finding it hard to grieve - I think its because of the way that she died and also having never lost anyone so close to me before. I find myself thinking ‘I’m not grieving enough or properly’ as I’m finding it hard to let those feelings out, although I had a good cry last night. All I can do is take it a day at a time. Everyone is different and as my good friend said to me, ‘we need to be gentle with ourselves at a time like this’.
Please take care and keep coming back on here. It really helps. xx
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Thanks so much for replying & I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum. I could have written some of what you have word for word. I hadn’t lost anyone as close to me until my dad died. I find it hard to let my feelings out, it’s as though I’ve taught myself to be like that because I think if I do let them out I’ll never stop, like a dam bursting.
Sending you a big hug. X
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Hi Franny, sending you a big hug too.
I know exactly what you mean about holding everything in, I’ve been doing the same since Mum died. I just feel I need to be so strong for Dad especially. Poor Dad found Mum unresponsive in her bed just a couple of minutes after he went downstairs to get her a drink. I was on the phone to him and asked to speak to her so he took it upstairs but couldn’t waken her. I shouted down the phone for him to hang up and call 999 straight away. She had taken a cardiac arrest. Dad had to give her CPR with the help of an emergency services call handler, until the paramedics arrived. They were there in 15 minutes and, while they managed to resuscitate Mum, she was taken to hospital and put on a ventilator. Tests showed that she had a hypoxic brain injury, only the ventilator was keeping her alive meantime. It was always her wish never to be put on life support if she were ever to suffer an episode like this, so Dad gave his permission to have her taken off it. We sat with Mum all through the night before she passed away the following day. Mum had always told me her wishes, so I know that we respected them, but my God, it was so hard to do. My poor Mum 
I feel so guilty that I wasn’t there when she arrested, I keep thinking I might have been able to save her. Instead, I was 70 miles away, at the end of the phone. Realistically though, I know that I probably couldn’t have saved Mum, she had been living with AF for a few years.
All I can do for her now is look after my dad, as I promised her I would do while she lay dying. I wanted Mum to pass peacefully, without any worry about how he was going to manage without her. I hope she heard me
As I said, I’m taking things day by day. It’s all I can do right now.
You take care Franny, am here if you need to chat xx
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Thank you for sharing your story with me, I’m so so sorry for what you & your dad, & your mum, went through, it sounds horrendous. I know what you mean about how hard it can be on you respecting a loved ones wishes, on one hand you know you’ve done the right thing by doing so, but on the other it hurts so much. I feel like that around my dad donating his body for research, I know it was an amazing thing he did but the things surrounding that like the absence of a funeral haven’t helped me. My mum asked the university to let her know what they’d done, they sent her a letter which I wish I hadn’t read, I just didn’t need those images in my head.
I think you’re exactly right to take things one day at a time at the moment. Lots of love. Xxxxx
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FrannyD, I daresay you were trying to be strong for your mom but it’s a pity you didn’t get to go to your dad’s funeral because that is a ritual which people need to go through in order to start healing. I think your dad was making a very humanitarian gesture by allowing his body to be used for medical research and you can be proud of him IMO and I don’t think he meant to hurt you or your mom by doing it. It’s only when someone has gone that we really experience the sense of loss so at the time I suppose it seemed like a good idea.
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Thank you for replying, you’re 100% right about the lack of a funeral hindering the grieving process. But yes, at the same time I’m proud of my dad for doing what he did, & he would never have intended to hurt me or my mum.
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