This is my first time here so please forgive me since this still so fresh. On Wednesday I lost my mum, who was my best friend. She’d been in out of hospital since October, and they kept sending her home and then on the last visit to hospital she never left. I have been her carer for most my life meaning its always just been the 2 of us. She was 63 and I just feel so lost. Like a little girl who’s lost and looking for her mum but knowing that I’m not going to find her. I was home alone when I got the call. I feel so guilty that I left her at the hospital, but I had been there since 6.30 and left at lunchtime so had been there for about 6 hours, I was tired and I suffer from headaches and was coming back the next day. All she wanted was to come home but she wasn’t well enough and I wanted her to get better so she would be home for Christmas. My mum has always been strong and always fought to pull through and I thought this time would be the same, she always promised to be around to see me get married and have kids one day. But now that won’t happen. I feel so lost and I dont know what to do. I feel so numb and I am trying to be strong but I feel like I’m falling apart. She was my world my everything she raised me as single parent and I am who I am because of her, but now I dont have her to guide me anymore. The thought of not hugging her again or telling her I love her is killing me inside. I’m scared, my family isn’t the closest family and I feel I can’t talk to anyone because I dont want to be a burden to anyone since everyone has there own lives. Right now I know my mum is still in the hospital morgue and that is killing me knowing shes there alone. It kills me more knowing I wasn’t there to say goodbye as she left this world but I honestly thought she was going to pull through, I feel guilty for leaving that day, but as her full-time carer I needed to make sure I was resting so I could carrying on looking after when she finally got home. But I still feel guilty for leaving her. That’s never going to leave me. I just feel so lost.
Hello @Emmielou62
I can completely understand what you are going through. I lost my wonderful Mum three months ago very unexpectedly in almost the exact same circumstances as you. She was taken to hospital with breathing problems, and she had pneumonia which we didn’t know until they took an x-ray. This turned into sepsis and within a day she was gone. I had stayed up with her all night and was with her in the hospital until I had to go home to get some rest. Then two hours later I got the call to say she had gone.
I was numb and in shock, and then like you the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I was her carer, and had no partner or children. It was just me and Mum against the world. But I realised that I had always tried to do my best for her and looked after her and loved her, and I wonder if in some way she tried to spare me the pain of seeing her go. I think that was the last thing that she could do for me that was in her control and I love her even more for that. The last thing I can do for her is love her and never forget her. I know I will always grieve for her, but that is the price I pay for loving her so much.
You will get through this. The strength you have will surprise you, and you will cope one baby step at a time. Sending you love and hugs, and please keep posting. You will find a lot of people here who understand what you are going through, and they will offer their support.
Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. 
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum.
You are not alone and I’ve found this site extremely helpful; not excluding reading other peoples experiences and where they are at in their grief.
I lost my mother on Tuesday and the urge to run to her and have nowhere to run to has been overwhelming, I personally find myself gasping for breath and feeling panicked, the advice I’ve received has been helpful and I’ve found making a plan of something that will either distract or bring me peace has started to help me navigate the “so what do I do now?” feelings, that could be something you might decide to try when you are ready and if not, that’s okay too. Feel what you feel and give yourself grace.
This is hard, but we can do this together.
I know exactly how you feel. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t there for my mum. She was released from hospital back to her care home and the only day I wasn’t there she died. She was my everything. It was always the two of us since dad died. Just don’t know how to move on. Don’t want to go out don’t want to even get out of bed. It’s just horrible and I know she wouldn’t want me to be like this. Just how do you move on I wish I knew.
I think with a lot of time and a lot of living - taking the things our mums taught us with us is how we learn to live with the pain. It doesn’t get smaller, but your life gets bigger, filling it with the things that brings you peace. I don’t think it’s about moving on, maybe it’s just more about acknowledging that it hurts and being okay with it because you know you love her and that she loves you - that is what helps me push through each day. Give yourself that grace.
Hi @Emmielou62 i lost my mum in August, she was also my best friend. We did everything together. I am still heartbroken and just going through the grief process. I’m so sorry for your loss. Keep talking to people, be open about how you feel. Label your feelings - it’s grief. Reach out for help too.
They say they pass when they are ready. Your mum was ready, maybe this is the way it was meant to be, take comfort your mum passed when she wanted to. Please please don’t explain to people why you had to go home and rest, no explanations needed. Be kind to yourself, take day by day, lots of love
We don’t move on, we move with it, we live with it, it’s so hard I know but you will do it, keep reaching out. Lots of love
I have been reading different posts, but today yours has prompted me to share my experience as your situation and emotions could almost have been written by myself. I’ve always lived with my Mum; my Dad having died when I was very young. Mum was almost 94. I had terrible guilt after she died (in October this year) because I stayed later in work that day and as I walked through the door she fell and broke her hip. I had a camera and she was looking out of the window waiting for me to come home. I had ‘phoned her to say that I was on my way. I stayed at the hospital all the time after she underwent successful hip surgery. 1 week later, she was medically fit for discharge. The day before she died, she told me that she wanted to go to heaven and that she would scream out if I didn’t leave. I left as we were due to see the social worker the next day for discharge. I normally always stayed until the end of the day and was normally always there first thing in the morning. On this day, I left. I bought all the food and was tidying our home, preparing for her homecoming later that day, when I received the call. Mum had a cardiac arrest. Like you, I have experienced guilt, shock and am numb. I was unable to tell her that I loved her. I still feel that is all surreal and cope by trying not to “think.” When I do have triggers, I let the tears flow which seems to help. People have told me that my Mum knew how painful it would be for me to be there and so she saved me that pain. I believe that is true. Mum was in the hospital mortuary and for 12 days I could not register her death. It was unexpected, so the hospital referred to a coroners. I coped by visiting my dad’s grave, the place that mum would also be laid to rest - I felt spiritually close to her there and it gave me comfort. I also did practical tasks that required no mental effort; this helped relieve my stress. Initially, I just had to keep talking about what happened. I almost cried and talked it out of my system. I have been managing by accepting whatever emotion I feel - crying if I feel like it. I have gone for walks. I talk to my Mum as she will always be with me. I have practised self-care as she would want me to stay well and happy. I have not put any pressure on myself, but accepted my feelings. When dad died, Mum reached out to others and so I decided that is what I would do as it helped my Mum and so it would help me. I decided that everything Mum had instilled in me, I would not waste. This has helped me. Do whatever feels right for you. I am still processing everything, placing no pressure on myself to meet anyone elses timeline. I hope that this helps you to feel not alone, but with people who understand and are going through similar grief.