I just want it to stop

5mths on from losing dad unexpectedly and I just want the world to stop (or at least my world). Today grief has slapped me hard in the face and held me hostage all day, floods of tears, that pain in your heart, anger, guilt etc. I even felt myself shouting at mum on the phone (not shouting argumentatively, she couldn’t hear what I said so I felt I shouted it to her which I hate myself for) I apologised immediately and she said it was okay but I just hated doing it. It was as though I was consumed with all my pain that I just let it out on mum, the trigger being her not hearing what I said which is awful of me to have done. I need to be with mum more than ever now to make the most out of life without dad but I’m just struggling and feel like a rubbish daughter because I’m not there for her as much as I like to/should/need to be. Christmas is going to be extremely difficult, the first one without dad and I’d lock myself away in my flat, in my own bubble but I know that’s not the answer. Mum’s not putting dec’s up and neither am I. I just don’t know what to do for Christmas. I’m just rambling on, with tears in my eyes typing this and will probs delete in the morning. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading x

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Hi steffi88am21
so sorry you lost your dad, he sounds like he was a lovely man. I lost my dad at 66 he was very fit and active to. My mother was pretty deaf and I often had to shout also, you try talking loader and slower but that does not seem to work so end up shouting. We are all only human trying the best we can. My mother later developed dementia so it all got pretty difficult as I to felt like a rubbish daughter ,even tho I loved her to bits. It’s ok tho being a mother myself I know we would forgive our kids anything as we know they love us and don’t mean to upset us. Just talk about your dad and the past with her when you can. Take Her out when she wants to go out and give her hugs.
I lost my son 6 months ago suddenly, we were very close, he was very gentle and caring , so I know the endless pain you are going through and also cry everyday feeling guilt and anger. It is such a physical pain in the chest I thought my heart was literally breaking.
It does not feel like it now but you will learn to live with the loss of your dad even though your world has now changed you will get used to it , and your dad would be proud of you for looking after your mom.
Be gentle with yourself, it’s just going to take time, but you will get there . Jss xx

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Hi @Jss thankyou. This was a proper shout as though I needed to just release my anger/upset and it happened to be released to mum which I still feel really awful for. She didn’t deserve it, I just saw me having to repeat myself as a trigger to just blow up. I’ll ring her again to apologise. She’s done nothing wrong yet I’m feeling I’m snapping more. I can’t see anything getting any easier. I’m being positive around my mum and sister but all’s I want to do is not be facing the world. Sorry to be negative again, just another sudden burst of grief this afternoon. I’m going to do all I can though to make every moment count now with my mum and my sister. Christmas is going to be extremely difficult that’s for sure.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad passing, it’s such a young age (dad passed 2mths before his 66th birthday). And I’m sorry to hear your mum developing dementia and you feeling like a rubbish daughter. She wouldn’t think that at all. They know children care deeply for them.
I’m so sorry you lost your son recently, that must be devastating. I can’t begin to imagine what you must be feeling. Sending you love :heart: how old was your son if you don’t mind me asking? I really feel for you. I don’t have children yet so I can’t understand but I know it’s immense pain you’ll be feeling. Heartbroken really is a real thing that’s for sure. Have you got lots of support around you from family and friends?
I’m here if you want to private message at all.
Sending lots of love to you xx

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