I keep going over things

My beautiful, kind patient husband of 44 years died on the 19 October after going into remission from AML he had got sepsis during his chemotherapy and that is what he died of quite suddenly. I keep going over that day and panicking that I should have been able to do something. He was in ICU at the time; I just keep re-living that morning. He tried so hard and we all, including the hospital, although it was going to be a long uphill struggle, thought he might come through it all. I cannot see any light at the end of all this.

Hi I lost my wife 3 weeks ago. I’m having the same thoughts. My wife was expected to pull through her treatment in icu but after a battle of six weeks lost that fight. I’m now thinking what went wrong, could it have been different, was it the hospitals fault all this plus guilt for being the one left. The fact that she bought some of this on herself and I didn’t stop her adds to my guilty feelings. I like you can’t face this pain but what else can we do.

I think these thoughts are very normal. My husband passed away in June 2017 from a very sudden heart attack. He was a very fit and healthy man, never so much as a common cold. A keen cyclist, he had been on a 10 mile ride the afternoon before. After he died I kept wondering if I’d missed something. Had he displayed any signs that something might have been wrong? I went over and over it in my mind. I asked friends and family if they had noticed anything. I questioned his GP. Eventually I got an appointment to see a consultant at the hospital and that helped me enormously. So please don’t beat yourselves up as I really think how you’re feeling is a very normal reaction. I am so so sorry for your losses and my heart goes out to you both. Sending love xx

Sorry to hear :frowning:

It is comforting to know that we can support each other through these difficult hours, days, months and years. Each day since the 19 October the way I am feeling changes, as I am sure it does for you all. I know I will be posting in the days to come - now at this moment I cannot believe that my husband is no longer here.

I feel the same. My whole world has been shattered. But being in contact with people who are going through the same emotions helps. I’m crying every day. Fearful, worried and waiting for her to come home. But she’s not. I just pray that we will meet again and be together once more. But this feeling of loss is so overwhelming how anyone gets passed this is beyond me. I will do my best to be as helpful to others as they are to me perhaps this will help us all through this storm x

Catmum…It’s early days yet my husband of 42 years died last Nov with so anniversary coming up…All your feelings are normal…best wishes Lorraine

Meant to say Nov 25th

Catmum, darling, I’m a catmum too - 4 moggies - but I digress. Guilt about what we could, should or would have done to stop this from happening to our sweethearts is almost universal, and it’s one of the cruelest parts of grief. I remember a couple of months after my husband died, I got up at 5 am chock full of guilt about what I did or didn’t do right on the day he died, and flopped into a chair and howled. I could see, in my mind, the wife, me, standing by by my husband’s hospital bed as he breathed his last. And suddenly, I felt immense compassion for her. She was so traumatized, she was experiencing the very worst event of her life, and I found that I could no longer blame her for not knowing this, that or the other. A big sister part of me kind of took over and spoke to the guilt: “That poor cow has been through quite enough. F*ck off and leave her alone!” For me, that worked, Catmum, and I recommend that you try to view the woman who did her best for her beloved husband with some kindness too. You’ve been through enough - you don’t deserve to be tormented by guilt. It’s bloody awful, isn’t it - we would never dream of saying to another widow the things that we say to ourselves, would we?

Lots of love,

Louise xo

Thank you all for your kind words of support when you are all grieving too. The pain is unbearable and although it’s a pain we must all go through; no one can prepare you for it. One day all is well with your world, the next it is turned completely upside down. Each day for me now is different from the last, when I wake up in the morning after restless sleep, it is as if my husband is still here; then the awful truth sets in and the pain starts all over. It is comforting to know that we can all talk about how we are feeling.
Catmum x

I lost the love of my life on the 1st of July this year to sepsis we did everything together Debbie went down hill very quickly she was in hospital for a week and never thought she was going to die. Then all of a sudden the sepsis took hold. I was with Debbie when she died holding her hand. I have a job to cope with losing Debbie. We was going to get married on the 5 of march next year. I feel so empty and lonely. So I do know how you are feeling life can be so cruel. So sorry for your loss.