Reading thru the forums & there seems to be this common theme of ‘so called friends’ who promise you the Earth & do nothing, worse still avoid or drift away. People have commented that even the friends you think would be the first to offer comfort are actually the first to jump ship. Is it because they don’t want reminding of what might happen to them in the future or is it because they’re scared you might actually call on them for help.
@Cee, it’s probably both of what you say, but mostly because they are worried that they are going to be asked for some kind of help. Also, they aren’t sure what to say but, to me, that’s ridiculous, especially if it’s family or a good friend.
I am astonished about the number of grieving people on this forum who have the added sadness of being ignored.
My faith in humanity is sadly just about gone now due to friends effectively just dropping me since my darling husband died. Friends who we knew & socialised with for years just disappeared, if I bump into them they cannot wait to get away from me. I am so fragile still that I think that they do not like me, & were only friends with us because of him. I have been in some very dark places, but I would never ever ring any of them now. Even family members have disappointed me, comments like “I know how you feel” - no you don’t, you still have your husband. My sister even commented “it is not easy for me you know” when I got upset one day, she divorced her husband - he is still alive!!! Some days I feel very lonely. As well as totally disillusioned with people.
@warriner21, I am so sorry to hear of your sad experience of so-called friends and family members. Two of my friends who I have known for years, one I worked with over 20 years ago, are being very evasive and almost make me feel honoured if they meet me on rare occasions. Even neighbours who used to be friendly try to avoid me.
I was actually warned after my husband passed away, that I would soon find out who my real friends were, People who I didn’t think would be helpful, have actually been great.
Yes, it’s true. Maybe they think they can catch grief from us, I’m really baffled. Actually i just think people don’t want to know because they really don’t care that much, apart from when anything bad happens to them.
I have been avoided at all costs since I lost my mum. It’s not like I’ve actually asked for anything, but the odd text just to see how I am would be nice.
My ‘best friend’ who I’ve known for nearly 35 years from when we were children couldn’t even be bothered to text me happy birthday, even though I managed to text her on her birthday during the horrendous, early days of my grief. Even then, all I got in reply was “thank you”! She didn’t even take that opportunity to ask how I was.
I know exactly where you are coming from and it really hurts x
We don’t handle grief well in our society, I think that friends avoid us because they are…embarrassed by our grief, look at us and see that one day they will be in our shoes and even if they have themselves been through this are afraid that if they talk to us they will get dragged back to square one.
I can relate to this.one of my gorgeous wife sue friends wont have any contact with me now .we were really close. My sister wendy turned on me after loosing her husband and said at least you knew sue was going to die .have not spoken to her ever since then.so called close friends haven’t bothered either unless they want there cars sorted out. My answer is no i,m not interested anymore
Hi Martyn2 - I now have decided to cut them out of my life completely. I have to be strong to survive the hell of living without the love of my life, I cannot deal with any more hurt. Somehow I keep going, not easy, but that is all we can do. xx
Best thing to do .especially if they are being like this
I totally agree, that’s why this forum is so important so that grieving people can express their feelings and not feel so alone. People hate awkward conversations don’t they? I think some people actually flinch when you mention anything related to loss… it’s like they think you’ll cry and they won’t know what to say or do. As a society we need to be more open and aware of how death impacts on those left behind…xx
Thankyou all for your comments. Human nature really is frustrating. The fact you’re going thru this all-consuming life-altering event is bad enough but to be treated so off handedly by people you thought you knew well just compounds the grief. To anyone who is experiencing these fair weather people, just remind yourselves. It’s them NOT you. Warmest thoughts to all. X
I too can relate to this after the sudden loss of my brother …it’s at the hardest time when you need the support which could simply be a regular text …it’s like dealing with your grief aswell as feeling in some twighlight zone …i just don’t get it as when the situation has been reversed i went out of my way to try n help x
I totally agree.its not you.its them.its 8 months since my partner passed from Pancreatic Cancer & l have come to accept.friends l have known for many years just havent been there for me.or bothered to phone or text to see how l am doing.while some people have been amazing.l think some people are just selfish & others just feel uncomfortable & dont know how to deal with grief & dont have any empathy.l have come to realise only way is to let it go & move on with my life .painful & lonely as it is at this present time.love & light to all.just keep moving forward & not thinking to far ahead
It just baffles my head but i try not to think about it too much as it’s quite painful sometimes and i think it’s best just to carry on by myself as it’s simpler that way but this also makes me feel a little sad
Ava2 i can relate to you on this. I lost my gorgeous fantastic wife sue to pancreatic cancer on the 1st February this year and since then a lot of our so called friends have dropped away from me. I found out who our true friends are
I can totally relate to this post! I have never felt so alone.
The ‘friends’ I thought that would be there for me never contact me to ask how I am and I find that really sad!
My family are no better either, they never ask how I am, I always contact them though.
When I bring up how I’m feeling with my family they get annoyed with me anyway and make me feel bad for ‘upsetting’ them,and to think that they always make out that we are a close loving family.
If that was the case they’d be there for me and would check in with me from time to time.
I certainly feel like they’re handling the passing of my Mum a lot better than I am and I find it so hard to wrap my head around.
I went out with ‘friends’ a few weeks ago with my other half and he was making jokes towards me as we always have banter.
My friends took offence for some unknown reason and accused him of being mean, despite me explaining that, that’s what we do as a couple we have banter and one of these ‘friends’ had the audacity to say she cared about me and loved me. I wanted to say what a load of rubbish because I hadn’t heard from her at all till that day out. Guess what I’ve not heard from her since so if she really did care where is she? Hmm
For some reason, knowing that people don’t want to know or want to check in with me makes me feel worse
Yes, unfortunately this does happen. My ‘best friend’ I’d known since I was aboiut 5 has frozen me out, as well as my holiday friend and a former work colleague. For me the only way to handle this is to conclude that their’s were no longer friendships worth having. I have found much more support in places such as this site and other widows group where there is a mutual understanding and no judgement. When meeting up no-one rolls their eyes if you casually mention your lost partner’s name. Why shouldn’t we? Why should we be encouraged to “move on”, “get over it” etc. With my new friends sometimes one of us might cry, equally sometimes we can enjoy a smile and even share some laughter. We can relax and feel safe in each other’s company. Anything goes as we all handle our losses…together…but all in our own way.
I’ve discovered a new theme to add to the list. The ‘friend’ you never hear from but pops up because they’ve heard your news & obviously want to bask in your misery & gossip about your current state. Maybe I’m becoming cynical or just maybe I’m seeing thru the fakes & realising how artificial ppl can be.
I know this one extremely well. Hadn’t heard from this guy for years and he pops up last week after an hour of fake sympathy he then came out with it .he had heard i,d been left some money and wanted to borrow some .i just told him to get out and never come near me again. Cant believe that a so called friend could do this to me
That’s disgusting you did the right thing telling him to get out. You handled the situation better than I would have!