I Lost my 46 year old wife to COVID

Hello, my name is Ricky, I’m 46 and on the 1st of January 2021 I lost my wife to Covid-19, I have a now seventeen year old son. My wife, Julie, worked for the NHS where she caught the virus after an outbreak in her office, where only after my wife passed were extra protective precautions put in place such as screens, whereas before it was just masks and so called “distancing”. My wife was in hospital for six days, where we wasn’t able to see her at all leading up to her passing, on the day of my wife’s passing I dropped her fruit, drink and headphones at the hospital to a nurse near the entrance as my wife said she was feeling better that day and would be out soon she told us, but later that evening passed away and only then did we got to see her. She loved her job more than any she had before and passed for it. After my wife passed we were not contacted officially by the NHS for support, only by my wifes colleagues and our own research into the help that we could get, none of it was provided to us until we contacted the managing director but by then we already had it in the process so their help was useless, also at my wife’s funeral there was no representative of the NHS there despite my wife working there, me and my son are still neglected to this day and we are disgusted by how they handled our situation, my wife loved her job and died for it, now I’m left alone to look after my son.

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Hiya,
To say sorry seems so inadequate and that you have to join our club,but hope you get some help and understanding on here sure you will,
I see you are in Essex I am also
Please feel free to vent your feelings as we all have at times.
Take Care
Joan

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Please shout out your anger, your rage and your grief here with us. All those emotions are justifiable and understandable. i can’t imagine the pain you are going through and you need to let it all out. Here is a good place to do that. We are here for you and your son. He must be suffering so much too.

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Thanks for your replies speak soon x

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When you’re ready.

Thank you nidrigirl

We’re should I really start before losing my wife I lost my mother in law just width in a month before it’s only for my sun I am here sorry that it is short that is all i can say at the moment x

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and why do I feel like shit and when does it end

Sorry for my bluntness

I still carry a lot of anger

Hello there I was wondering if someone could advise my if counselling really does help thank you

Dear @Ricky_123
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. I lost my husband to covid in Jan this year.
It’s a terrible life after loss, the hardest thing you’ll probably ever have to cope with. And anger, jealousy, despair are all quite normal feelings.
You can vent here. We all get it, even though we are at different stages of our nightmare journey we didn’t ask to be on.
You ask if counselling helped? I’ve just stopped meeting my counsellor after 16 weeks. I thought it wasn’t working but now, 4 weeks since last visit and with benefit of hindsight I would say yes, it helped me, even though some sessions were just tear-fests
I personally believe its easier for us women to open up & talk & with that view I would say that’s why I think men should do it, go & say what you want to someone who understands and is willing to help you reach a new normal. I think its harder for men to talk about their feelings but if you do decide to do it I hope it works for you. I know I had to do something that didn’t involve an oven, if you catch my drift.
My counselling was face to face (even during covid restrictions) I didn’t want telephone or zoom, wasn’t right for me.
I hope you find some peace,my thoughts are with you
Maigret

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Hello maigret thank you for your advice and I am. Also sorry for your loss why does it hurt so much. I tried cancelling a couple days after my wife’s. funeral I found a number on the internet for Bereavement support so I rang them and told them my situation and how I felt I was in a bad way but there was a waiting list and they advised me to ring the hospital seeing has my wife work for them an died for them so I ring the nhs bereavement no luck because I was not employee and then give me a number to ring a children’s hospice for the Bereaved and then I ring them then two days later they ring me but I rejected i believe children’s parents need help before my so that is why I haven’t had counselling yet

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Dear @Ricky_123,
I’m the sort of person who has difficulty in coping with my emotions. I’ve been fine most of my life but when it comes to intense situations way beyond my control, that’s when I struggle to cope. I had just such a situation in my mid-20s, and I became very, very introverted, didn’t want to communicate with people, and my emotions were a rollercoaster every day. Things reached a peak one day and I knew I wouldn’t survive unless I sought help. So I did - one of the most difficult decisions I ever made. And over a period of 6 months, I had one to one counselling and then moved to a group session for a year. It changed my outlook on life, helped me to see some things from a different perspective, and literally changed my entire life a year later when I decided to become a freelance worker (my job had been part of my problem).

When my wife passed last July, I literally fell apart. I was totally lost, stunned, scared, going around in a perpetual daze, and developed a stutter, the dregs of which are still with me today. I registered with Cruse Bereavement and Sue Ryder for their grief counselling services, but both had long waiting lists. At the time, I was thinking I want, I need, counselling now, not in 4 or 5 or 6 months time! But with the benefit of hindsight, I doubt I could have held a basic conversation, my brain was all over the place. The counselling (phone-based) did eventually start in January this year. In most of the sessions, whenever I talked about my wife the tears would flow, but the lady counsellor was very good. I poured my heart out to her about things I couldn’t dare discuss with anyone else, and I would say that is one of the main advantages of speaking to a counsellor. You are speaking to someone who doesn’t know you, except for the things you tell them, and isn’t going to make any judgements on you. You can tell them your deepest thoughts and feelings without fear, and sometimes just sharing those is enough to ease the pain just a tiny bit more. Sometimes the counsellor may be able to help you see your position from a slightly different perspective which can help too. I would say, though, don’t expect any solutions, that’s not what the counsellor is there for. They can help, but not fix.

I would add that if you do take counselling and you feel it isn’t working for you, don’t give up and let it stop you from seeking an alternative counsellor then or at a later date. It can be so dependent on the personality of the counsellor allocated to you, and the chemistry between you and them. At the end of the day, when we feel we are at the lowest of the low, what do we have to lose by trying it? When I finally accepted that I needed help the first time around, I felt like a failure because I couldn’t cope. But it saved my life. I would always recommend counselling as a helpful tool.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best.
Alston

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Hello Alston I feel exactly how you felt confused and lost. And you are right what have I got to lose thank you for your help i am going to try counselling I hope it helps even a little has you said I have nothing to lose thank you

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Hi @Ricky_123,
I truly hope the counselling will help you, I really do. Take care.
Alston

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Dear Ricky_123
I’m sorry you got so many negatives when you reached out for counselling, I think I probably would have received the same response but I chose to go private (a company recommended by a close relative who had used them). Each weekly 1:1 session was £45, which I appreciate not everyone can afford. I used to think it was OK paying that as I wasn’t eating, barely enough to keep me going anyway ( I strongly don’t suggest that road).
It’s important to find the right counsellor too, I had a good connection with her but my work counsellor, which was onlinechat, was way off the mark, no help at all.
I wish you hope & some peace in this nightmare we all understand.
Maigret

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Thank you Alston and nidrigirl . and nidrigirl you are right my experience of counselling was not good so I am going to try private tomorrow as finish work early on a Friday thank you again x

I’m looking for local councillors all I am doing is getting emotional this isn’t easy I’ll try tomorrow

Sorry nidrigirl did your counsellor come to you

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