I lost my beautiful Mom

I can’t believe my mom has passed I feel so anxious and I’m running on pure adrenaline. I was with her when she passed and I keep trying to relive everything that happened to her. It’s like I’m torturing myself by going over constantly her taking her last breath.

I suffer with mental health problems. Is this normal part of grieving or is it my mental health.

One minute I feel nothing and numb. The next minute I feel my heart literally breaking and aching in my chest. Part of me wishes I was with her. I can’t believe I will never be able to see her beautiful smile again and kiss her. I’m really not coping I feel like I’m going mad.

I only laid mom to rest two days ago. She passed 4 weeks ago and now the funeral is over I feel lost like I’m a child again. I feel like I’ve lost my identity it’s absolutely horrible I never felt pain like this ever. I’m scared of the overwhelming feelings and sheer panic I feel when I wake up and realise she is gone forever. I’m sorry for waffling on I’m just completely broken.


Hello LINGY123
I am sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. You are not alone. Sendimg you much love.

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Thank you so much for your reply. I have woke up to another day of panic pain in my chest and sheer panic. Today is gonna be so long. I’m not gonna be able to get out of bed.

Hi, I read your post and it was like reading something I had written myself. I was with my Mum too when she passed three weeks ago. The speed in which I lost her I find hardest to swallow. I know she chose her time to take her last breath. She was waiting til both me and my daughter were by her side. I’ve been to see her in the chapel of rest, I thought it would help me say goodbye. Instead it’s added to the last image when I heard those last breaths. I can be stood washing up at the sink and feel nothing - just numb. Then my stomach knots in a wave of anxiety and I start thinking how I will never hear her voice again. Never smell her perfume, never hug her, feel her soft hands on mine. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyway but this, this is new level. So many times I just think, I so want to join her. Life won’t be the same without her here. I feel your pain on so many levels. I wish I had the words to encourage you past this, but the truth is… I really don’t :cry:xxx

So sorry to hear you too are suffering like me. My mom was my best friend my soul mate. I just hate these feelings and they are so hard to manage. My Dr has given me all sort to calm me down and to try relax me but nothing touches me. I sm here if you need to chat on here. My moms health deteriorated over 3 years until she was bedbound which was horrible to see her lose her dignity. She was so brave that I will never forget. I found the dying process very traumatising to witness those memories will haunt me forever.

Hi again lovely. I’m so sorry to hear you had to watch your mum suffer. I guess I was fortunate in that respect. Mum had been feeling under the weather since about mid September. With no real symptoms, just felt lethargic. She called the doctor when she developed some stomach upset and acid indigestion. After weeks of telling me, she was sure she would be better in the morning, I finally drove over there (40 mins drive away) and insisted I took her to A&E. She agreed (which I knew was a sign she was unwell - she hates admitting she is unwell, and rarely is, not even coughs or colds!) on admission she was diagnosed with a severe kidney infection that had developed sepsis. She was admitted 3rd October and began treatment. She was fairly stable during this and I cared for her daily at the hospital. Taking her for showers and changing her when she developed incontinence (she was such a proud lady, she didn’t want anyone else to do it) week two she caught covid on the ward and in turn, so did I. She deteriorated in the time I had to isolate and finally caught pneumonia. End of week 2 they had found she had Birkitts Lymphoma, an aggressive blood cancer which was in the bone marrow. By this point, I had already started to convert my spare room into her bedroom as I didn’t want her to leave my side again. If she was going to go through chemo, she would do it with me by her side. They told us she would go to a nearby hospital for chemo the following week. Things were looking positive beginning of week 4. We were told we were just waiting for confirmation of transfer to this hospital. For various reasons Mum didn’t go on the Monday (bloods not stable enough) Tuesday we were told she would go, we heard nothing. Wednesday she didn’t look well and was confused. Why wasn’t she having chemo yet? I started to get frustrated for her but no one could give me any answers. They wanted more bloods, she needs another bag of potassium etc etc. I went to see her Thursday and I knew, I knew the end was near. She was crying, screaming my name and saying someone was twisting her stomach. She went for a CT scan that morning. At 1pm that Thursday afternoon she asked to see her Granddaughter (who my friend collected and brought to us straight away) later that day I was told the cancer was everywhere. Her stomach, her liver, kidneys, lungs - everywhere. While my daughter went home to collect us some belongings, I told mum what was wrong. She smiled and kissed me and told me everything was going to be ok. My daughter and I stayed at the hospital that night in a bed next to Mums. Just after midnight mums breathing changed. By 3am I called her best friend to come and see her. She arrived by 4am and left at 4.45am. At 5.30am with me and my 14 year old by her side, mum took her final breath. 4 weeks after taking her in. Her room still awaits, her slippers by the door and dressing gown hung up behind the door. She should be at home. With me. In her new rise and recline chair that I bought for her coming home. Or in her new rise and recline bed that’s in her newly decorated bedroom in her new home, with her girls. Which was her dream. To make it home to us. I feel empty without her. She was my best friend, she’s taught me everything and I don’t know how I can possibly go on without her. :cry: I’m broken. Beyond words.

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I’m so sorry to all of you.
I too suffer from anxiety and it’s is back right now since my mum passed away. Grief and anxiety intertwined. Panic is back. My mum was my main support through anxiety when my dad died. Can’t believe she’s gone. Too quick. So unfair.
All I can say take it slowly and grief is tough. Take care of your self and lots of self care ……telling myself this too. Lots of love :heart:

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