I lost my dad, now I feel I'm losing my mind

I lost my dad in March, it was sudden, there were no health issues that we knew of. He was just gone. He lived in spain at the time, and because it was sudden death, an inquest was started, eventhough he was cremated 2 days after his death… nearly 4 months on i still dont know how my dad died.
His partner isn’t talking to me or my brothers since we had a strained relationship with dad, shes made it very clear that ‘I had my chance’ and basically we have no right to ask questions.
I’m having to go through my cousin who she WILL talk to knowing full well he will tell me everything she says, but I also feel he too is judging me for wanting to know.
I’m panicking about my dads ashes, the gf said my dad would want to be scattered with his dad, which we all agreed with but I’m terrified that she will do it without telling us. At the moment it’s the only thing I’m clinging on to, my only way of closure.
My mental health at the moment is so irratic. I can have a day or two where I feel ok, I can talk about dad and it doesnt affect me too much. But most days I feel hysterical. I cant stop thinking about the fact hes just gone.
Eventhough my dad and I had a rocky relationship I adored him, I was a daddy’s girl as a kid and I guess I never really grew out of it.
I can’t get over the fact I will never see him again, my heart and brain just cant accept it. Every day feels like I’ve lost him again. I find myself wishing my life away to be with him again.
Mum tells me I need to put it in a box and take time to myself for a bit, then when I feel strong, attempt at opening the box and dealing with it a bit at a time, i dont know where to even start with that.
I’m scared this pain will never stop, scared I’ll never know why hes gone. I’m so lost without him, I dont know what to do :cry:

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Hi Alliecal. Four months on!!! Now that is the real problem. It’s too soon to even think about anything remotely near normal life. You need to take all the time you want however long it takes. ‘No right to ask questions’. ‘You had your chance’. Oh my God!!! where do these people come from. Hard hearted is a mild description of them. They are either in denial or have little feeling. ‘put it in a box’. Oh were it so easy, none of us would be on here! You can in no way dismiss emotions and ‘bottling up’ is about the worse thing you can do.
Try and take such remarks from whence they come. There is obviously very little understanding from those around you. You will find it all on here. You are NOT going crazy. OK? We all go through that stage, but it’s a natural reaction to loss. The pain may never stop entirely, but it does ease, and most of us begin a new life because we have to.
What to do? Take it one day at a time. Try not to look too far ahead. Allow emotions to come. There is no way your dad is judging you. Where he is there is no judgement or criticism. Only love and peace.
Your mental health will be erratic for a while, again it’s what happens in grief. Anxiety invariably accompanies bereavement.
Be kind to yourself as well as others, and try not to harbour that awful emotion of guilt. You have done nothing wrong.
Blessings. John.

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Hie Alliecal,
I am very sorry to learn about your situation. Of course you have every right to know exactly what happened to your dad. I can fully appreciate your anxiety about what you think may happen to your dad’s ashes. Please do not let that take its toll on you. The ashes in themselves are not him anymore. So whatever she does to them should not deprive you of regaining your peace.
Try not to worry so much about how you are being treated by those who are being unkind to you even at this time of your deep loss. Eventually you will begin to heal but it is still early days yet.
By all means do post your thoughts and concerns here or even in private messages to anyone whom you feel like having conversations with.
I pray that you will receive a healing and feel better soon.

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