I lost my darling husband yesterday

My husband died yesterday, and it feels like my world has ended. He was 55 and had survived multiple myeloma and a stem cell transplant in 2013. He had started a new course of chemotherapy last autumn with the plan being to have a further stem cell transplant later this year. Instead he contracted this terrible virus. He spent nine days on a ventilator but his lungs did not improve and in the end I had to allow them to switch off his life support. I had 30 minutes with him before he died, but he was heavily sedated and unable to communicate with me. I know I was lucky to be with him, but even being there with him is not enough for me to take in that I’ll never see him again. Before he was put onto the ventilator he was frightened. I tried to reassure him and told him that we were still going to get to do everything we’d planned. I’m sure he feared otherwise and it hurts me so much to think of him being afraid. I also feel guilt that I didn’t take better care of him and protect him from this virus. We knew he was in a high risk category and although we avoided crowds we still went out for coffee or lunch and every Wednesday he got on a train to have his chemo in London. If only we’d stayed at home as people are being made to do now. If only I’d driven him into London instead of his getting the train and tube. All of the shielding measures that are in place now that would have made such a difference were all too late. I torture myself about where he might have picked it up, and the reality of how different life would be now if only I’d kept him safe feels too much to bear. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and he should be sitting with me in the garden. I look outside and hate the fact that the world is still as beautiful as it ever was, but he is not here. The only way I’m coping at the moment is by telling myself that he’s still with me, and will always be. But at the same time I’m terrified I’m conning myself. I don’t want this thought to be some kind of coping mechanism, I want it to be true. And I also want to know that we will be back together fully one day, and I want that day to come as quickly as possible. My husband was the only man who ever loved me, and his love was everything. He was always patient and compassionate and forgiving to me in everything, and no matter what we had to go through everything was all right as long as we were together. I cannot cope without having his love in my life. There can’t be any joy in life without him.

Thank you for listening to me x

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Hi melissa,

I’m so sorry to see that your husband passed away yesterday. You are the first person on here to report that their loved one has died of coronavirus but I’m sure there will soon be more, unfortunately.
You are just at the start of a long journey but there are many on here who speak regularly about the loss of their husbands and will guide you with how to cope.
Unfortunately you wont know where he picked uk the virus. My partner is using the trains and tubes every day and I hate it but he is on the frontline and duesbt have the ability to work from home like I do.
My mum died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage in june and I miss her so much but I would be very worried if she were still here.
My dad died of a major heart attack when he was 53. He would find today’s world very strange.
Cheryl x

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Aww bless you. Please don’t blame yourself. I know it’s easy for me to say, I do the same to be honest. I feel that I didn’t do enough for my lovely hubby. My heart goes out to you. I too was with my husband at the end too much to go into here. I can remember saying it’s ok you can go now you’re not alone we are here it’s ok. Ten minutes later he died. Like you he is my total love and always will be. I don’t know what else to say to you. Nothing I will say will make it any better for you I am so sorry. Please keep coming on here, someone will always speak to you. We all know how you feel xx

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Dear Melissa, I feel for you as you must be feeling so awful just now but try to remember all the times you cared for your husband with everything you had and he got better and he knew that. Even when he was unable to reply, he would have heard your voice and known that you were there with him. Don’t blame yourself for things that happened over which you had no control. He will always be with you,always safely in your heart forever. He sounds very much like my darling husband who I will never forget and think of every minute of the day and night. Sit in the garden and enjoy your memories, I know it hurts but that is how he would have wanted it , because he loved you.
Jacqi xx

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Hello, I’ve just joined this group for some support myself. I read your words and feel I could have written them myself. I lost my husband just before Christmas in the Hospice. He had a very aggressive illness with 3 months survival, he just made 2 months. I can feel your raw pain and the feeling of guilt at not thinking you did enough. I feel the same but keep torturing myself at how would I have kept him safe in this current situation. He was still working full time, nobody saw this coming to his life. Your husband was even younger. I want to say keep surrounded by people you love but this virus is making things impossible. Seems so cruel your husband was coping with treatment then taken by this evil virus. You are not alone people keep saying but that’s how it feels. You must feel so very sad and don’t know where to turn. Day by day, even hour by hour. I thought I was coping better until today. Hit me all over again. I don’t sound very helpful but your post is so relatable to my heart. Your broken heart has reached out and now you’ve made me do the same. Lots of love and strength and heartfelt sympathy.

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Melissa,
I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband.
It’s so raw for you at the moment, don’t know how you have found the strength to come on here.
I remember at the beginning , I just felt numb in total shock, like everything was still going on around me and I was stuck in a painful nightmare.
I lost my husband suddenly 4 months ago, he had a cardiac arrest.
This awful virus , it’s so worrying, I feel for you, you done everything you could, don’t feel guilty about anything.
Please keep posting on here, it really helps, there are lovely people here that will always listen and help.
Have you got family at home with you.
Take care, thinking of you
Steph x

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Hi
Just read your post,
So sorry for your loss of your lovely husband.
I can’t believe the amount of people in the same boat.
It is very hard at the moment, being separated from friends and family because of this awful virus .
Life is so cruel, it’s hard facing everything on our own when all we’ve known is the happy life we all had .
Try and stay strong, people will listen and try to bring you some comfort on here, it has helped me lots.
Take care.
Steph x

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Hi Melissa,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support so please, Melissa, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Michelle.
Online community team.

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Hi Melissa
My husband died on 5th January at Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice, which you will no doubt know of.
I can relate to everything you have said about the world still looking and sounding the same, tormenting yourself that you could have done more/differently. The world is such a scary place without your beloved, especially when you have shared a deep and real love for one another. I don’t have the answer Melissa but I can completely understand the raw emotions you are currently feeling. I pray for bedtime every day, I want the day to end so that I can wake up and find this is all an awful nightmare. Please know that you are not alone. Sending you a virtual hug. x
Lesley

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Dear Melissa,
My heart goes out to you. What a shock. How cruel he should have got the corona virus.
No point me telling you that you had no way of protecting him really. He needed his chemo and he could have got it anywhere. You’re going to blame yourself for a while. One thing I know though is that hell be in your heart forever. Who’s going to remove him? I don’t know what happens once we fie but as long as you live you’ll have him with you. Slowly you’ll find a very special place for him. M

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Melissa, trying to reply! Left my more than heathy love of my life on the morning of 18th Feb comeback at 4.30 he was=gone. How do we ever deal with the one who loved us most … no idea. How can we share our hurt and pain. Need help as do you . Not sure it is there. C

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Struggling big time - how do we go on xxx Just need to sleep

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Melissa
I have searched every corner of my mind to blame myself. It is something people who love someone do. You are in no way to blame. The illness,virus,timing these are the things to blame. Did you purposefully put this on your husband? - like me (mum) no. If you had the choice would you have saved him? - Like me yes The people on here are kind. come here when you need to . Its a tiny bit of light in the darkness. Hugs and lovex

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Hello Melissa
So sorry to hear about your husband’s passing. The early days of grief really are horrendous. Somehow we breathe and keep going. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago suddenly. He has left a big hole in our lives, but I feel that he is still with me. Everything you do, hear, see, seems to have their slant on it, which I have found hard to bare. So many ‘firsts’. Someone told me the enormous grief that you feel is your love for them. Take care. One moment at a time :heart:

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Thank you and yes kindness is here and understanding from so many of us struggling the same. The one person we want now is our partners. Been married since we were 18 so never apart as adults. It’s a big huge shock , very painful. We all say the same things, that’s the understanding. Thanks again. Keep safe and strong, Jami x

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And I lost mine at 52 four weeks ago. I feel exactly the same and am at a loss to carry on without him, He was my everything. And once again he was the only man the ever truly loved me. I am so empty. They sounds similar. I am beyond sad. And completely empty.

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Dear Sharatuk
I’m so sorry about your loss and that after a year you feel the same as I do now after 3 months. If you loved someone so much and they’re no longer there yes life feels really empty and meaningless. We have to keep going. M

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No just 4 weeks ago…he was 52 with a young son…its a never-ending nightmare for us all :frowning:

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Oh no how did he die so young had he been ill. Tragic.
M

There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said but my heart goes out to you. You never lose your husband in your mind, I haven’t after 6 years. Anything you feel now is perfectly normal even though awful. Love and virtual hugs XXXXXXXX

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