My husband died yesterday, and it feels like my world has ended. He was 55 and had survived multiple myeloma and a stem cell transplant in 2013. He had started a new course of chemotherapy last autumn with the plan being to have a further stem cell transplant later this year. Instead he contracted this terrible virus. He spent nine days on a ventilator but his lungs did not improve and in the end I had to allow them to switch off his life support. I had 30 minutes with him before he died, but he was heavily sedated and unable to communicate with me. I know I was lucky to be with him, but even being there with him is not enough for me to take in that I’ll never see him again. Before he was put onto the ventilator he was frightened. I tried to reassure him and told him that we were still going to get to do everything we’d planned. I’m sure he feared otherwise and it hurts me so much to think of him being afraid. I also feel guilt that I didn’t take better care of him and protect him from this virus. We knew he was in a high risk category and although we avoided crowds we still went out for coffee or lunch and every Wednesday he got on a train to have his chemo in London. If only we’d stayed at home as people are being made to do now. If only I’d driven him into London instead of his getting the train and tube. All of the shielding measures that are in place now that would have made such a difference were all too late. I torture myself about where he might have picked it up, and the reality of how different life would be now if only I’d kept him safe feels too much to bear. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and he should be sitting with me in the garden. I look outside and hate the fact that the world is still as beautiful as it ever was, but he is not here. The only way I’m coping at the moment is by telling myself that he’s still with me, and will always be. But at the same time I’m terrified I’m conning myself. I don’t want this thought to be some kind of coping mechanism, I want it to be true. And I also want to know that we will be back together fully one day, and I want that day to come as quickly as possible. My husband was the only man who ever loved me, and his love was everything. He was always patient and compassionate and forgiving to me in everything, and no matter what we had to go through everything was all right as long as we were together. I cannot cope without having his love in my life. There can’t be any joy in life without him.
Thank you for listening to me x