Hi I am so sorry for all your loss. My dear husband died on February 25 with lung cancer which he had half a lung off then it went to his brain a year later then 7 weeks later it was back again. How I am ever going to get over this I don’t know it would have been our 57 wedding anniversary tomorrow the blessing I am holding onto I was holding his hand till his last breath and he knew me. I love this man so much. and always will it has to get easier. This has broken my heart so I know what you are all going through love to you all
2 Likes
Welcome Gwreny. We are all in the club that no-one wants to join unfortunately. I believe that the grief you feel is a reflection of your love for your husband. So sorry that he won’t be with you to share your anniversary. I’m sure he will already know how much you love and miss him 
1 Like
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my husband in December after 3 years battling 3 different types of cancer. It was a blessing for him to go as he had suffered so much so bravely to stay with me. I am lucky that I have fabulous family and friends surrounding me. However I feel so alone - the evenings are the worst and this lockdown is not helping. I have been thinking lately that I just want to join him but know he would hate me to feel like this. I put on a brave face all the time as I hate to upset people and feel my grief brings them down. Is this a usual way of feeling or am I losing the plot?
1 Like
Hi my friend I lost my dear husband to brain cancer in Feb. And I am heart broken it would have been our 57th anniversary today. I really no how you are feeling I feel the same way so no you are not losing the plot. I hold onto the blessing that I was with him till his last breath and he knew I was with him. Its very hard as this dreadful virus has stopped all going out and having family to comfort you just when you need it most I find the evenings are the worst too. But we can only look forward which our husband would want us to my husband told the doctor I am not worried about myself I am worried about my wife so I have to make him happy and try and stay positive myself. Sleep tight sweet angel
Sent
1 Like
Welcome to our group. You’re certainly not losing the plot Eholme, in my book there’re no norms in grief and anything we think or feel is perfectly ok and acceptable at such an early stage as it is for you. This shut down is so debilitating on top of everything else but at least hang on to the knowledge that this, at any rate does have a finite end. A book I found helpful in the early stages is of grief is ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK’ by Megan Devine’ For me it validated all that I was going through and me realise it was all perfectly normal…if that makes sense. I do feel upset for you and all the other people who’ve been bereaved recently to have to cope with this lockdown on top of all the other things at such a difficult time. Do take care of yourself XX
1 Like
Hello,I’m so sorry to hear of your loss,I no how hard it is and all the what ifs ,never dwell on them,it doesn’t change anything. Your husband loves you,always will. We all have a date and time to go,we just don’t no it. I lost my 12 year old daughter in a road accident, and on Thursday she would be 21 . The pain is gut wrenching, but somehow I’m still here. Be strong,he will be proud.xxxx
2 Likes
This is good advice LMRC. Love is eternal, it doesn’t die. My husband believed that too, when it’s your time to go there’s nothing you can do to change it. Personally I would have preferred to have known in advance - I would have given a bigger hug, spent more time etc. but my Dave already knows this. I have told him since
3 Likes
Hi melissa,
Your message made me cry as my husband died in February from pancreatic and liver cancer. He was the love of my life and like you can’t imagine or cope with the loss as I didn’t think I could go on without him, every day seems to get worse, but I’m told this is part of our grieving. I feel for you and hope you have the strength each day to carry on, it’s been 11 weeks today since my wonderful husband Roger passed away and still can’t accept it.
Lynn x
1 Like
Hi Melissa I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I have just lost my brave husband kevin to the same awful disease. He got diagnosed in 2014 and had a stem cell transplant but sadly it came back and he ran out of chemo options. His myeloma was just too aggressive no treatment worked for him for very long and in the end his kidneys and liver shut down. I lost him on 11th April. He died alone in a hospice but I did manage to see him the day before and sat with him for 6 hours. He passed away very peacefully and just went to sleep for one last time. I am so sorry your hubby caught covid19, it’s definitely not your fault though, please dont ever think that. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that my Kev passed away and I am so lost without him. My son is 17 and when he is old enough he said he is having the myeloma ribbon tattooed on him. I think when lockdown is over I would like to do some fundraising for myeloma uk, it will give me something to focus on and give me a chance to say thank you to them for giving me those 6 extra years with my brave hubby. Sending you a big hug and again i am so sorry for your loss xx
2 Likes
So sorry about the loss of your husband. I too feel the guilt that I should have done more, although everyone said I did all I could. Whilst he was in the hospice I was with him 7 hours a day and some times had to feed him. I got him ready for bed before I left him. When he was at home I never left him.
He passed away on 31st December.
My brother has just phoned me from Australia. He has the same disease as my husband. He has now been told he has eight tumours in his brain. He is having surgery on Monday. He doesn’t think he will come out of the operation. All I can do is ring him because I can’t travel with all the restrictions.
For the fist time since my husband passed away I have had a couple of better days but now I don’t know how will cope but I know I have to be strong for my brother .
Melissa
I dont have a lot to add but when i read your post i recognised myself wishing id done this or not done that also torturing myself. Just want you to have some peace. None of it was your fault we can only work with what we have at the time. Wishing you peacexxPam
Hi Melissa,
I have just seen your message and I had to reply. My wife also passed away on the 28th March from covid 19 complications on top of her leukemia. I had all the thoughts you had about what if and as I was my wife’s only visitor in hospital, did she get it from me. I desperately wanted someone to tell me she couldn’t have, but of course they can’t. In all probability it was more likely to be one of the staff, but the doubts continued for a while.
The thought that she had gone through 2 rounds of chemo and was days away from the bone marrow biopsy to tell her if she was clear of cancer and could then progress on like your husband to have a stem cell transplant, was dashed away so quickly. It was all organised with a perfect match donor etc etc. Then nothing, it was all gone within 2 days of getting covid 19. I then had to totally self isolate for the longest 14 days of my life. It will be 8 weeks this Saturday since she passed and I am managing, sort of.
I am not sure if I am doing it the right way, but I am trying to avoid things for now, like looking at photo books etc. I did have worries that I was somehow denying she existed and was being forgotten about, but I am pretty much dealing with this by myself and I figured I just have to do what I can to get through things for now.
Today I collected her ashes from the funeral home and she is in a lovely urn on the side cabinet in the front room. All the things you worried about with your husband having to travel to London, were things we had talked about and worried how this could be done safely with her condition. Sadly she never got the chance of a transplant and it was all snatched away really. I know how you feel about the joy in life being all gone. I am very much the serious one and my wife was the fun, always smiling, laughing and joking around. Now it’s a very quiet house with just me and the dogs. Hope things get better for you soon.
Tom
1 Like
Hi Melissa, this is my first time on here and I am sat crying everything you have said is much like my situation my husband Gerry was my best friend and soulmate he had endured Alzheimer’s for 12 years he was only 57 when our world collapsed I cared for him with help at the end of our journey and made every day count, we cried, we laughed we made the best of what we could I always knew the final outcome and had made plans but this cruel disease and the virus put a stop to everything that we wanted. I met Gerry when I was 16 and married at 18 we had nearly 47 years together he was and is my life, he became ill very suddenly I always knew when he was poorly yet this time there were no signs nothing until he suddenly started gasping for breath I called for an ambulance and they took him to hospital, I put his wheelchair in the back of our vehicle expecting to bring him home at some point, when I got to the hospital the consultant told me Gerry was very, very poorly and said he only had 24/48 hrs this was on Thursday 26th March 2020 I asked if I could take him home and was told he was to ill to make the journey I stayed with him until 3am Friday 27th went back after a few hours sleep and stayed all day until 3am Saturday morning I was exhausted and decided not to go back until Sunday 29th I then received a phone call to say he had passed I so wish I had been with him, while I was with him I lay beside him , held his hand and sang to him and told him it was ok to go be with his mum and dad and brother who had only passed 19 days before him, I am thankful he did not have Coronavirus he had sudden onset pneumonia. I miss him so so much and just want to be with him I told him we will see each other again and hold on to that, this is the worst pain I have ever felt and I cannot see any future ahead … I am so sorry you are going through this awful time … X
Dear Julie,
I sense and I know your pain. It’s unbearable.
I wish I could say it gets better but… It becomes different that’s all. I ost my husband the 19 th of December. I took him back from the hospice where he had spent a week being unhappy so I took him home and nursed him for his last three weeks. It was difficult as he went little by little every day. His cancer had spread to his brain. I had been with him for 45 years so I understand when you say your husband is still with you and in some way always will be. How lovely that you spent the last few years being so close
and how lovely to sing to your husband. He must have felt so comforted. Marianne
2 Likes
Hi Julie and Marianne,
My heart aches for both of you, your pain comes through in your posts, I am so sorry that you are suffering such heartache. In my opinion, heartache is the most unbearable ache of all.
Take care and be kind to yourselves
x x x x
2 Likes
Words are never enough but to everyone on this thread can I just send my prayer that your tomorrow will be more bearable than today. Somehow you will manage to take the first tiny steps and ,in time, you will become aware that the one you have lost is still with you …just walking within you rather than beside you. The pain never leaves completely but we do get better at bearing it in our own way and time.
Take care x
3 Likes
‘Be still, close your eyes, breathe. Listen for my footfall in your heart, I am not gone but merely walk within you.’
4 Likes
Jacqui. Sleep is my problem and probably everyone on heres. I truly believe if we could all get a few decent nights sleep we could cope better but without it everything is totally overwhelming. 
rs This is my first time on this site, have just discovered it.My heart breaks for all of you and I can’t stop the tears, it is all so relatable to how I’m feeling, too. My husband died on 23rd April and it was very sudden. He had been outside gardening, perfectly fine, came in for lunch then sat on the sofa for a little rest and fell asleep. Then a bit later I realised he wasn’t just asleep any more but had had a stroke and was sitting in exactly the same position but unconscious. 999 call, defibrillator and compressions before the ambulance came. Then couldn’t go with him or visit for two days because of Covid 19, only saw him for the next two days as it was then “end of life care” He died the following morning and we hadn’t got there. Just one massive nightmare, family and friends all locked down and far away, just three of us at his”funeral””Feel like someone’s ripped my heart out, he was the love of my life for over 50 years and everyone’s being so lovely , I know I’m lucky but without him life feels so hopeless…To be able to say all this on here without upsetting anyone feels such a relief. I know my grief must upset family and friends so I try not to get upset in their company. but sometimes it just comes out of nowhere . Love to you all x
1 Like
Hi bjane, I am so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you feel I lost my husband 29th March he also was my soul mate and we had been together 47 years I have never felt pain like this , I miss him so much this virus made things so difficult to be able to grieve properly so many if only, I also am new to all of this but it does help to be able to connect with others that know how you feel, I also speak with a sue Ryder bereavement counsellor on line once a week and it has helped me so much… Please reach out to any support that is available to you… big hugs and take care X
2 Likes