On the 3rd December I found out via text message that my dear mum had passed away in her sleep.
I feel every emotion going possible which I know is normal.
The two strongest ones at the moment are guilt and anger.
I had a miscarriage following ivf earlier this year and I had to leave the uk to work on my mental health.
This on top of being miserable in my job, my husband being redundant and one thing after the other.
My mum wasn’t so happy about it at the time however I think as time went on she accepted it.
I feel so guilty that I left her. I feel guilty that I cannot go back for her funeral due to it costing thousands to her back plus most of my family are toxic.
Less than 12 hours of me finding out she had passed they were demanding money from me and having digs at me for not being there.
I know if I went to the funeral they would ruin it and it would kick off and I don’t want that to have to deal with too.
I want to ask the funeral home to record it live so I can watch but I feel so so bad for not being there.
When I look back I think mum may have known she was dying as she was looking thin before I left and I pleaded with her to take vitamins and eat better.
There’s lots of things I could keep saying but I don’t want to ramble.
I loved my mum dearly I pretty much have a broken heart.
I feel anger that she was taken too soon from me.
I feel some anger and wish she would have asked for help rather than being stubborn.
I feel sorry for my mums partner who’s left behind. His own family don’t want to know him either and he’s not very independent.
This year has been one of the worst and best years of my life at the same time.
I’ve traveled to some amazing places but also now lost my mum who’s been there forever.
I know that I need to take things day by day I just don’t know how to move past this guilt.
Thanks for reading.
Katy