me and my sister were never close. we didn’t grow up together, we had different mothers and a complicated father, she was significantly older than me and she only lived in this country for a short while before moving away. i was only young, and i have some but not a lot of memory of the time i spent with her. after she moved, we stayed in contact for a bit, but as i was a child and my mother had all control over my phone, she forced me to cut off contact with my sister because she didn’t agree with her lifestyle choices
years after i blocked her, i got a message from my father that my sister has passed away. she committed suicide. i only cried once, and then i got over it very quickly, which i still feel very guilty about. weirdly enough, the grief didn’t hit me until just recently when i found her facebook account for the first time. all her posts were about her life struggles, and i was completely mortified when i saw all of it. now she’s appearing in my dreams and everything, and my mood has just not been great. i’m still unsure what i’m feeling, but i think mostly guilt for not trying a bit harder when she was here. now ill literally never get the chance to try again with her, so yeah i just dont know.