Hi Trisha, how are you doing? I have managed to do some gardening, which I’m proud of. Simons roses are all looking lovely, I wish he was here to see them. I’ve cut 1 red one off and put it next to his photo. Someone actually asked me if I might find somebody else! What were they thinking! It’s only been seven months and he was my best friend and soul mate. I remember the lists, letters and phone calls I had to make. Telling them each the same thing over and over again. Crying down the phone and apologising. It was all a bit of a blur. I hope you and your family are ok.
Janet xx
Hi Jan
Thank you so much for the message so nice of you to think of me - not been a great day today - I seem to have cried more in the days since the funeral. Yesterday was better as I was busy all day - but today I did not fill the day enough and kept looking at photos. I cut a red rose from the garden today - it is a sad little rose bush that is more or less covered by the holly tree - it has been in our garden since we moved here - but does not always bloom. So I cut the flower and pressed it . It is in the same book that I have a red rose in that I pressed when Gary gave it to me 40 years ago. There was another one there too but sadly I do not remember the date I did that. I know it was when he sent me a dozen roses ! I did miss him so much today - but guess it is still early days.
I am glad you managed to do some gardening - it is lovely when the garden looks nice. My son cut the hedge properly and helped clear the back of weeds on Thursday - I will cut the grass again tomorrow.
How insensitive - what is wrong with people. Maybe they do not understand as they do not have, nor have ever had, the special relationship you had with Simon and I had with Gary. That is what is keeping me going - not enough time - but most people do not have something that special - ever ! I have said that to the children too - who also feel he was taken too soon.
I have to face some phone calls soon. All of the bills were in my name - as I have always taken care of everything like that - so not a lot to do. Bank accounts etc are in the hands of solicitor. I do need to call his phone company - as I would like to keep the number. I made the mistake this morning of reading old texts… not romantic - usually ‘what shall I cook for dinner’ or can you pick some bread and milk up on your way home from work - but it just made me miss him even more.
I hope you night is a peaceful one and you sleep ok.
Sending a hug.
Trisha x
Janet…
…how thoughtless and mindless in asking the question that nobody in their right mind after a bereavement could ever answer, nor would even think about the subject of answering…" have you thought about meeting someone else…" this is the last thing on anyone’s mind…If it happens sometime in the future, it happens…but none of will be looking for a replacement…
Jackie…
Janet…Everybody…
…i too love roses, we had several rose bushes of varying colours back home, ( village in Bedfordshire ) back home was where me and Richard was at our happiest…I always said nothing would ever take me away from this garden, the starlings that daily flocked and splashed in my water fountain was a joy to watch from our glass panelled kitchen door, the wisteria that hung over the top-door of our garage from the back garden end…the potted planters and hanging baskets Richard took a pride in potting up, the field and cows to the back of our garden, the trees…what I would give to go back to those day…Oh it is stunning where I now live, but so so isolated…Ideal for hikers, walkers-ramblers…of which I would be too if it wasn’t for my MS from age 64…this came late in life and totally unexpected, hence our move from a 3 bed-roomed bricks and mortar house to a ground level luxury parkhome…
Hi Jackie
What a lovely garden you had - you described it so beautifully. Mine will never be like that I am afraid and neither of us really enjoyed gardening - but we liked it looking nice. I am just watching gardeners world on the TV in bed - not up yet - will make the effort in a moment.
The cat’s bowl is probably empty - he has already been in to give me a nudge .
Trisha xx
I’m lucky. I live in a community in 40 acres of parkland with three gardeners, so I can sit back and admire the view others have made. None of which gives me any joy at the moment. ‘what is wrong with people’? Well Trisha, I would say a lot. In this situation it would be better if they said nothing. Nothing can ever replace what we have lost. As for insensitive remarks; I do think a lot of it stems from not knowing what to say. Some people ‘jolly us along’, or try to. I don’t feel cheerful at the moment, and I know it will take time to get back to even a remote state of normality.
All you guys are amazing. I am not normally a web Forum person, but this site has been such a help. We are all a band of friends who share the same feelings of loss, and in helping each other we do the most important thing possible.
Trisha, if you read this would you advise me getting a cat for company? I’m on my own now and many say get a cat. We can’t have dogs here but are allowed cats. Someone to talk to would be nice even if they can’t answer back. Hugs and Blessings to all.
Jonathan…
…complete opposite here, we are allowed dogs but not cats on this park-home site…
Hello Jonathan
As I said - never a gardener -but for some reason the physical work seems to help- and there is such joy in the colours of the flowers. I usually love all flowers but so many people sent white flowers when Gary died I wanted colour and brightness. He was a colourful person and they just seemed so sad. I think I will venture to the garden centre today and purchase some more geraniums (they are hardy and do not require watering every day!) and brighten the front garden up.
Cats . Well I love my rather aloof British Shorthair - a very beautiful cat - but he is not a lap cat- though he does demand a bit of attention. Usually around food time and he gets his toys out when he wants us to play with him - he also runs downstairs when we come in - just like a dog. So no I would not be without him and I do talk to him a lot- so they are company. Gary loved him and his predecessor a black cat who turned up on our doorstep one day and just stayed. She was much more affectionate and would sit on your lap and purr. Marlowe never sits on your lap - but he did settle down beside me for a short while this morning. Now his tummy is full - he has disappeared to go back to sleep. I am however, really a dog person - they are so joyful. But all cats are different and my mother had the most affectionate black cat ever who just wanted to sit and lean against you. Sadly she did not have her for long. But yes I do talk to him and the house does not feel empty. He is an indoor cat - as we live close to busy roads - but the vets are quite happy with that. As long as you have scratching posts, and a litter box they are happy. Perhaps go and look at a rescue cat - go and meet some first and see how you get on with one. Like people they are all very different.
Hugs to you too.
Trisha x
I too find this forum and the people on here an absolute godsend. At the moment I seem to be on it as soon as I get up and last thing at night.
The weather here is beautiful again today. I little sad though as Gary and I should have been in Devon this weekend with our son and girlfriend, We always went down for the Torbay airshow as our holiday home there had the best views ever. Still will make today a busy positive one I hope.
I hope you too have a day that is peaceful and sunny.
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Hi Trisha, really sorry to hear about your day. To me it became a bit more real after the funeral. That’s when it hit me more and I realised this is my life now. I have never lived on my own before and I found that thought scary. Roses were his favourite flowers so I had some on his coffin. I kept them and dried them out they are in a vase. It doesn’t remind me of the funeral, but of him. I have bought a couple of photo albums and when I can face it, I will print some pictures to put in. There are lots of pictures but they are in a box or on memory sticks. I want to be able to look at them when I want.
I may have been a bit naive but I didn’t realise there was so much paperwork to do. Of course I forgot to tell the optician and they sent Simon a reminder. My brothers made sure I was coping with it all. I really thought I couldn’t deal with it, but I did.
I had a bit of an accident at home Tuesday. Don’t know really how I did it but I tripped over the back door going indoors and I thought this is going to hurt! I fell face down on the floor. Normally Simon would have been there to pick me and ask if I’m alright. I just led there and could have cried but the dogs kept running round me. I have lovely bruises on my knees. Could have been worse, I had secateurs in my hand! At least there were no broken bones, not bad for a 60 year old!
Love to you and the family. Xxx
It sounds like a lovely place to live Jackie with a beautiful garden. I feel for you having to maybe move from there. It’s bad enough to lose Richard. There are so many memories. I was told not to do anything rash as I may regret it, so I’m not making any decisions yet. It is hard enough to survive from day to day. I too will probably have to move as I can’t afford the mortgage. People have suggested getting a lodger, but I don’t want a stranger in my house. It is mine and Simons. We have lived here for over twenty years and there are so many memories.
Thinking of you Jackie.
Janet xx
Janet…
…that is what I am afraid of falls…all part and parcel of having MS…also being alone in the home getting in the shower…
Remembering one morning indoor fall I had, I had just made a small bowl of porridge when I fell as I was carrying it, of course the porridge went everywhere and our dog cocker spaniel was trying to eat it…Although I couldn’t get up I was laughing, luckily I never hurt myself yet with MS we cant get ourselves up by the front, so no use Richard putting out his hand, we have to turn ourselves onto the front, our knees and grab hold of something solid to pull ourselves up, this is our only way, even though my clothes were covered in bits of porridge I didnt know where to move, i remember scooting myself backwards just to get away from the mess…
Oh yes the flowers, Richards favourite flowers were the Fuchsia plants…he would often bring a potted plant back from the garden centre…
Jackie…
Hi Jackie, thats the only way I can get up too. I haven’t got much strength in my legs. Never have since I had pneumonia and sepsis four years ago. When they brought me out of the coma, my muscles were very weak. Couldn’t write or speak as I had a tracheatomy. I believed I survived to take care of Simon as he health was not good. Then he passed away anyway. I dont understand. I did see the white light but said Simon was coming to get me. Sorry im feeling a bit sorry for myself today.
Take care. Janet xx
Hi Trisha and Jano,
I am hopeless at gardening. My Husband was the gardener. .I have had two people say to me i will find someone else. I felt as if they were talking like I had lost a handbag. My husband passed away on the 13th May 2019. We did 20 years together. . It amazes me at the insensitivity .
But I just ignore it now.
I realise they have no understanding…
Dear Lucy
It is unbelievable how awfully insensitive people can be. Maybe they feel awkward but I was taught if you cannot say something nice - then say nothing at all. Unfortunately I may have been tempted to say to their face I have lost my husband not a handbag and turn the tables on them. I do tend to react a bit like that. But I don’t think anyone realises how painful this is unless they have been through losing a beloved partner. Even well meaning friends do not understand - though they at least just listen.
The garden was ignored today - I went out with my daughter. But I did buy some more pots to put on the front step so will go an buy some geraniums tomorrow if I trust the car. It is just my need to fill the day with mindless activity - brain is not up to anything more at this time.
Take care and stay strong
Trisha xx
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Dear Jan
You are right- I think it does become more real after the funeral. It is not just me that I feel sad for I feel sad for him too - I feel he has missed so much of the future and that makes me cry. We looked after each other and it so hard to think about a future without him. But this is what we all think isn’t it and boy is it hard.
My friend bought over photos of when we were young - those do not seem to upset me as much as recent ones. My daughter got some printed from her phone and we have framed some. There is one that is now hanging in the bedroom - it is a daft one. He is pulling a funny face and I am just looking at him cracked up with laughter. Not flattering of either of us - but so warm and it sums us up completely. In the background are the mountains of Norway. We were on the best holiday we ever had - a cruise with our children and it was just the best ever. We were planning another one next year and so looking forward to it.
You must have been scared when you fell - thank goodness you did not break anything and you did not hurt yourself with the secateurs. Being on our own makes us so vulnerable - and we are not getting any younger either. (I will be 64 next January). My friend broke her ankle last year by just missing the last step when she was coming downstairs - it took her ages to recover. I am very careful on the stairs now!. I have never lived alone either. I know my daughter is still at home - but it wont be forever so will be facing it one day soon.
I hope your bruises are not painful - please take care.
Sending you a hug or two.
Trisha x
Yes it is after the funeral-cremation service, this is when everyone goes back to their homes, we are the ones who go back to our where we lost our partner in, ( if it was home and not hospital, ) I am the one who sits on the sofa looking across to the now empty armchair that on that fateful morning-midday I found my Richard sitting in and not breathing, I am the one who is passing his now empty bedroom each morning, same as passing it as I go to bed, his family are miles away, tucked up in their homes…getting on with their lives…yes of course they will never have anymore visits from him, have anymore phone calls from him but they dont see daily reminders of him in their homes unless they have photos on show…Not one of these people phone me to as how I am now coping…the funeral is over, that was all they were concerned about, making sure the family knew the date and time, and to let me know how many were coming…Yes I was left to arrange this all by myself it didn’t matter that I had an illness ( MS ) it didn’t matter when I told his older sister that I have never had to deal with a death before by myself, so I am proud with myself that all went so well on the day, I have even told Richard that I had no help whatsoever from any of his family, he would have not been too happy if he had known this ) and I keep telling Richard I was happy how it all turned out, no, I told him I was proud of what I had achieved and hoped he would have been proud of me too…I have to admit, I never ever want to have to go through this again, being the sole person having to organise my loved ones funeral-cremation…not even Richards nieces nor nephews came to my help…Richard had never married, we weren’t married, although we were engaged at the start of our relationship, just circumstances… Richard had no children…i have never married, but have a daughter, grandson and now great grandson…
Jackie…
Hi Trisha. Thanks so much for your reply. I loved hearing about your cat. We always had dogs so cats would be new to me. I have a PSPCA centre close by so I can visit there. (I was going to say ‘we have’. Old habits die hard!!). My neighbour, who has been so helpful because she too has suffered bereavement, has a lovely pedigree cat called Fleur. Talk about an ‘aristocat’! She is lovely but snooty. She does come to you when called, but only so much stroking or cuddling allowed! We lived in Devon for 8 years. Tavistock. It’s a beautiful county and the people were kind. We came back to Kent some years ago to live in this community, and I’m glad we did in view of what’s happened. I am alone although I can call on friends and neighbours who have been so helpful. But it’s still very hard going, as you know all too well. Thanks again, it’s good to talk to you.
Take care. Hugs.
Jackie, you are amazing. I can’t complain at least the family and friends are involved in the planning of my Husbands funeral…
I am aware that the calls will stop after the 7th June. . So preparing for that. But the calls have reduced already. But it will. Really hit me that I am alone…
…
Dear Jonathan
What a lovely name for an aristocratic cat. Mine tapped me awake at at around 4.30 this morning - looking for a fuss - but most likely because he was hungry. I ignored him and he tried again at 6.30. He has taken to wanting a drink from the shower - so lets us know this . We already leave the bath tap on for him as he likes to sit under it - strange for a cat the water drips on his head and he sticks his paw out and drinks from that. Cats can be a little weird! But I do talk to him a lot.
We got a cat when we were both working - whilst I would have loved a dog - we could not justify paying over a hundred pounds a week for a dog walker - £20 a day - and that was 9 years ago. Cats can be left too without them suffering the anxiety a dog does - after all what they do best is sleep. Gary gave up work 4 years ago - he was unable to work due to his mobility problems - but took on being a house husband with gusto whilst I continued to work. I will go back to that soon I hope - though I only have a couple of years until I retire. But usually I love my work - however I am not ready to face people and responsibility just yet - my brain is still scrambled but I know that when I am ready I will be better for working.
We live on the outskirts of London - which I love believe it or not. I grew up in the country and whilst I love the views and sleepiness of it all - it is so easy to feel cut off. My mother was OK until they told her she could not drive any more. Where I am now I have everything on my doorstep. Whether I will become tired of it later I do not know but I have my lovely daughter living at home with me at present and we are just at the end of the Northern Line so it is easy for her to get into work. We bought the flat when my mother left me some money and Gary loved Devon so much. I had an uncle in Dawlish as a child so spent a lot of time there - and we were lucky enough to find a property with a sea view from every window when we decided we wanted to be near the sea. I do not know what I will do with it now - but will not do anything yet. Our plan was to spend a lot more time down there when I retired. We really should not make plans should we ?
This forum has been a lifeline for me - thank you for listening and for responding.
Take care and sending a hug back.
Trisha x