I lost them both

I’ve not read of anyone else having this happen, so I’m posting on here.

My mum and stepdad both ended up in hospital in December with breathing difficulties from covid. My stepdad died a week later on 23rd December. The doctor phoned me beforehand to hold the phone up to his ear as they sedated him. Having covid terribly myself at the time I panicked & just told him not to worry & everything will be fine.

My mum died the day before my birthday on 9th January. I am forever haunted by having to sit there in full PPE as the machines were turned off. I am aware how lucky I am to have been there when my mum passed, but now tubes, PPE, and THAT hospital machine noise are all triggers for me.

I have one brother, but he didn’t get on with our stepdad, so is dealing with the loss of our mum with his wife & children, occasionally checking in with me but mostly doing that thing where I’m told “everyone has this, you’ve just got to get on”.

I get so frustrated living alone, reading people say “I don’t know where I’d be without my partner” in their grief stories. I don’t begrudge them, but just feel I can’t relate as I’m going through this double loss alone. I was pretty much the carer for both mum & stepdad, helping them out with everyday stuff, medicines, & groceries. My mum was my rock who I spoke to every day.

Now I’m just sitting here alone, unsure if crying is “getting it out” or just making me sadder. After all this, I only have 2 friends, who I am very grateful for, but neither have been through this and can’t understand. I feel like a moany minnie because I’m just so sad all the time & don’t want to complain, but can’t be the happy person they knew.

I have mobility issues, so although I can’t get out for walks or exercise to help, I do like gardening so do that to lift my spirits, and also follow an online exercise program for people with limited mobility. I heat healthy foods because it’s time to eat (being in chronic pain eradicated my appetite years ago), and follow a good sleep routine with the aid of medicines. I’m doing everything right, but am just so utterly sad and feel so lonely.

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Hello Gib, my heart goes out to you and please don’t think you are alone, there’s lots of post from people who have lost both parents and you are not a moaning Minnie. I cared for my parents in law and they both went within a month of each other. I do understand and that thing about sounds, I have that with the sound but from ambulances.
You sound as though you know what you are doing regarding self help, I think it may just be a case of time because grief has no idea of time or limits so see how how things go with the weather is getting better and yes being outside definitely improves one mood. Try talking to your friends about being low due to the passing of your mum, you may be surprised by their reaction. You can come back on here anytime and also read others post regarding their loss and post again anytime. Enjoy your garden and perhaps plant something that reminds you of both of them. Xx

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Thank you for your kind words Susie x

Hello Gib, I’m so sorry you’re going through this… it sounds really really hard. People can be complete doughnuts about grief unfortunately but one day they will learn for themselves too and maybe remember you then and realise you can’t just cheer up… Being alone is the worst… in your position I’d like to see anyone try not to feel sad, overwhelmed and lonely… surely those are normal reactions to horrific loss like what you are suffering in addition to battling ill health yourself.

I’m glad you’ve got some good friends but I know its not the same as having a partner. my husband died in October and I basically had a mental breakdown since. I moved (hopefully temporarily) back with my mum and stepdad whilst I’m learning to be human again without my husband. Imagining your scenario fills me with absolute horror. I’m sorry this happened… its horrible and will take time and who knows what else to adjust and find a life around all that has happened to you. You’ll never be like you were before but I hope you, me and all the rest of us here will find a way to live despite this.
Take care and you are very welcome here. Keep breathing.

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FleurDeLis, thanks for your post, you have made a beautiful sunny morning even better because you made me laughing. I just love the phase “people can be complete doughnuts” yes they can because they don’t think it will happen to them but unfortunately we see that in life all to often. You take care and once again many thanks xxx

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“ People can be complete doughnuts” :joy: That made me smile! Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry you’re feeling so lost too, but just reaching out to me made me feel less alone. Thank you x

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I am just so sorry that you lost your stepdad and mum to this horrible disease in such quick succession. How horrific… I understand the trauma of being there in PPE while they turn off the machine. It is just heartbreaking. Sorry I can’t say anything more except send great sympathy

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just to agree that that machine noise is unfortunately an unforgettable sound, and going anywhere medical is unpleasant. Glad you have your garden as a small comfort, and I think these forums are a very good thing

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