Hi,
I’ve just turned 29, I’m a mental health and a single mother to a 21 month old.
On the Saturday 31st august 2021 my dad unexpectedly passed away. He had been stuck in Ireland due to Covid (he hasn’t seen me or his grandson for 18month) and was due to be home on the Monday, I was dreaming about the day I would see him and for him to give me a kiss on my forehead like he always did, and get to see him around his grandson as the last time he has physically seen in was when he was just a baby. I sent him an iPhone over, and we FaceTimed every single night. I was even on FaceTime to him on the Friday for hours, and he was absolutely fine. Then I got a knock on my door at 10pm on Saturday evening from my mum, telling me that dad had passed away. (She had been contacted by my sister in Ireland)
My dad was my world, he was my everything and we were best friends for my whole life. I can’t understand why this has happened. I feel so much pain, and anger due to not seeing him for so long because of Covid. He wasn’t able to travel until out of Ireland until he had both vaccinations, and when he did he booked to come home. But not im never going to see him again.
I went to Ireland on the Tuesday for the funeral (catholic’s do their funerals very quickly) so the first time I had seen him in 18 months was in an open coffin, where 100s of people were coming in to say their goodbyes. I had to stand watching for 3 hours.
I felt like I had been running in autopilot mode, when I came back to England, I went back to Ireland 1 week later with my son, it’s the first time he’d ever been. I was non stop and trying to keep myself busy, but I feel like the shock is well and truly worn off now. I’m finding it hard to even get out of bed, I dropped the baby at nursery this morning and come straight home to bed. I had to do a food order online because I just couldn’t bring myself to go.
We still don’t know what happened to him, as in Ireland post-mortem can take up to 18 months. But the paramedics that found him in his bathroom thought it was a heart attack.
I brought some or his T-shirt’s home so I could smell him, as I hadn’t been able to for so long because of Covid. So when I put my son to bed I sit with dads T-shirt because that’s when I used to face time him. Night times are so lovely, I feel like I am in this alone at night times. I wrote to him each night in a little book - but I’m scared that all this is ‘weird’ and maybe I shouldn’t be doing all of it?
I think for the first 2 months I was in complete shock, but now reality is hitting in and I just don’t know how to handle it. BbPeople say that it gets easier with time, but it’s getting so much harder with me.
I’m having on average 2 hours of sleep at night and I’m having 2 very consistent vidid dreams.
I’m having bereavement counselling every 2 weeks through work, and I’m due back at work next week.
I just feel completely lost and broken, I feel like a part of my heart has been taken away and I genuinely feel physical pain.
I’m just wondering if anybody has been through anything similar and can offer any advice? My social network have luckily never experienced loosing their parents as all my friends are only in their 20s, so I feel really alone. I feel like everyone’s world has carried on, and mine has literally been paused since 31st august
My mum and my sisters in England (not the same dad) are amazing, but they don’t fully get it, because how could they?
Sorry if all that is too much information, I can’t get the words I want to say out at the moment, nothing I’m verbally saying is making sense as I keep loosing my trail of thought.
I would appreciate any advice at all xx
