I’m new here

I have lost 4 loved ones in as many months and every loss over the last 4 months, starting with Sonny my labrador, on the 13th June, through to Lynette on the 25th September, and my Mum and Brother in between, has taken a part of me with them. I feel like I’ve changed forever, my personality isn’t as it once was. I found my dear old yellow boy after he passed away peacefully in his sleep during the night aged 12. A beautiful end for a beautiful soul. My mum’s last breath was taken as I held her hand 9 days later, and in those few days I sat nursing her, never leaving her side, I found intense healing, but such painful sadness that we hadn’t managed to have in life what I found in death, peaceful acceptance, and a tender touch. My grief made so much more difficult having had a difficult relationship with her…I haven’t had time to grieve for my mum, which in itself makes me feel terribly guilty. And then my sweet, innocent brother, due to significant learning disabilities, childlike in nature, died suddenly while I was house sitting alone with him. Finding him collapsed and having to do CPR, which I’d done so many times before as I’m a nurse but never with such crippling desperation. The cries of ‘don’t do this to me, Mark, come on, please’, sounding like they were coming from someone else, but it was I who was screaming those words, so much so I was hoarse for days afterwards. The effort to resuscitate him left me both physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted and traumatised, something I’ll never get over. And then, my best friend, and one of the precious women I chose to guide my daughter, Eve, through life as Godmothers, I knew I’d lose her, she was diagnosed with cancer in February 2018 aged 43, but we thought we had longer, much longer… she died days before my brother Mark’s Funeral, and her loss has been crippling, I still reach for the phone in moments when I have forgotten, and I go to call her to cry and tell her my best friend has died, only to remember it is her… I don’t know what I’ll be like when this is all over, I guess it will never be over. All I know is I’m not the same person. The loss has come at a cost. I’ll be back one day hopefully, but right now I feel so alone and adrift from everyone. I’m starting to feel depressed which scares me as I have a 3 year old and I don’t want her growing up under the dark cloud of depression as I did due to my mums significant mental health problems, which she never sought help for and was frankly dangerous to live with. I’m looking for support and hoping there are people on here who can empathise with me. Many thanks

I just wanted to say Hi, and say I truly hlpe you get support over the next month’s to help you through this horrendous time. You are very likely in shock, on so many levels, trying to cope with too many losses at any one time. Each one of the losses you describe is quite simply awful, but to cope with them all in such a short space of time. Well, that’s just too much for anybody. Do you have other friends and family who can help you? Support you with your little one while you try and get your bearings on life again? I’m so glad you’ve come on here. I’ve found friendship and support, and comfort in knowing that i am not alone and others are in similar situations who offer understanding and kindness. I wish you love and support. Kind regards. Debs xx

Hello Hawkins, I cannot even start to comprehend your level of pain. What a truly difficult time this must be for you.
There is a wonderful website I read called www.aftertalk.com and there is a section called “Ask Dr Neimeyer”, who is a specialist/psychologist in grief. One of his very recent answers was to someone who’d experienced multiple losses entitled “How to cope with multiple losses”. It may be helpful. I lost my Husband and don’t expect to have my Mum for much longer. Our relationship has splintered apart since my loss and I’m expecting these difficult times to cast a very long shadow on my grief when the worst happens to my Mum so I can understand in that respect just a little of how you might be feeling in that particular loss. It’s such a lot to carry on what sound truly caring shoulders and I hope someone is able to give you some support. Take things steady and slowly. Sending compassionate thoughts to you.

Dear Hawkins, Such terrible losses in such a short time, no wonder you’re struggling. Suggestions others have made such as counselling or support groups, or keeping busy and meeting people, maybe by joining local activities, may be helpful. Your GP should have some info. Reading conversations on this site has helped me, 8 months on from my husband’s death, even while it often makes me cry, to know that others understand the sadness and loneliness. It’s hard to keep on plodding on each day but they say that it gets better in time. But you’re right, I think, that in a way it will never be over. What we can hope for is to be able to live more easily with the loss and for most of us that means sharing our feelings and I hope that you can find a way to do that.

With hugs for you and your little girl. X