I’m really struggling

11 months ago my Dad suddenly died .
I feel worse now than I did at the time.
It’s getting worse with every month that passes.
Is this normal ?
I’m getting to the point of not being able to cope with everyday things.
I knew Christmas was going to be hard but it’s killing me .
I feel so sad .
With a constant head ache ,sobbing at the slightest thing .
He’s in my head every minute of every day.
I miss not only him but my life with him.
This is just too hard to deal with.

Dear Lynac
So so sorry about your dad .
Grief isn’t a linear path…it’s a horrible fog which means that sometimes we can’t see our hand in front of our face and it often takes what seems forever for it to thin out a little and let us see a lititle light. That said, it might be time for you to get a little outside help and support…have you thought about seeing a counsellor? Perhaps the service offered here might help? Your dad would want you to keep him in your heart but also to try to walk without him…baby steps just like in your childhood…it is easy to write these words but incredibly
difficult to take the first step. Just reach out and grab whatever support you can find!
I wish I could give you a better reply but know that everyone here knows how you feel and will help if they can Keep posting and try to look after yourself as best you can . X

I have had a total melt down today.
You see my Dad was my support.
Although I have family I feel alone ,I am alone emotionally
I can’t explain the connection we had.
He just knew and I just knew without any words.
I don’t have that or never had that with any other person.
Even as a child my Dad was my world.
And now that world is gone.
I can’t run to him anymore , I have no where to go.
I am supposed to be the strong person that holds the family together, or I was .
Not anymore .
I can’t do anything.
I forget everything.
I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone.
My personality as changed completely.
From a confident out going person to a frightened hideaway.
I go for days without leaving the house.
And the worst thing is.
I look around and everyone else is just getting on with their lives as if he never mattered.

Hello Lynac, I truly understand how you feel, as you write this post.

My loss is my beloved husband; your loss is your beloved Dad. We have in common the way grief is affecting us. It makes us ill; but it’s not on view for anyone to see, it sits deep within us and changes how we are, how we think and how we react. When we have been ill in the past, we may have needed help to understand what is going on and how to recover. Labels can be unnecessary but I know I have a stress disorder. I chose to seek help and began therapy and counselling. Like you, I had insight into what was happening to me and it frightened me so. All these feelings and emotions are now affecting how you think. Through support, I’m learning to separate, deal with stress and file away those reoccurring thoughts that previously I just couldn’t handle. It’s not easy but it’s worth a try; you are always stronger than you think, you’ve been a strong person in the past, now it’s time to look after you. Keep posting, you’ll find support here, x

Thank you , you seem to understand how I feel.
My husband is taking me away on holiday , fingers crossed I feel better after a change and a rest.
If not it might just have to be counselling.
I can’t carry on like this .
The thing that bothers me most is it’s getting worse not better.
I looked in the mirror this morning and saw a different person.
I look old and tired .
I’m worn out .

Looking after yourself, is important. A holiday with your husband sounds good. Don’t look for signs of feeling better; I’ve learnt to just take each day or hour as it comes; some are ok & some not so, it’s all about eventually tipping the balance in your favour. Kind wishes, x

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Thank you

Well the holiday went ahead , although I really didn’t want to go.
I did enjoy it and felt a lot better in the sunshine.
We have been back just over a week and down I go again today.
I feel so ungrateful after having a holiday and everything.
I knew it would be hard but not this hard .

Dear Lynac,

Grief is hard and I think that the more you loved someone, the harder the grief seems to be. You and your dad must have had a very special bond and it must have been a tremendous shock to suddenly lose him. My dad died 2 years ago. He and I were always very close, and when he passed away he was at home and we were with him and at least we had the chance to say goodbye. I miss him so much, and I recognise a lot of the feelings that you describe. I don’t think you finding life hard again means you are ungrateful. You sound like a very caring person who wants to be strong for others. As the eldest in our family I tried that too, but I had to accept that there are times when I cannot do that, and that that is okay. Some days I feel so tired that I hardly do anything. I used to feel bad about that but my GP explained that it is just the way my body reacts. I have recently joined a local support group and have found that helpful. My husband is very supportive too, but more in practical ways. I have recently joined this online community and reading other people’s stories makes me feel that I am not alone. I saw that two people have suggested that you seek counseling. Are you thinking of doing that? I have considered it, but it’s not so easy to take that first step of picking up the phone. I hope you will soon find someone or something that can help you through this difficult time. Love and hugs, Jo.

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Thank you for your reply and kind words , yes I think you really do understand how I am feeling .
Strangely enough that is a comfort.
I have though of counciling but have not done anything about it for 2 reasons .
Firstly I don’t seem to have the energy to organise anything .
Secondly and more importantly , I can’t talk about my feeling about Dad without breaking down.
Even typing on here I find it so hard .
So to have to talk to someone face to face would be impossible.
If anyone asks how I am , the answer is yes I’m fine I’m OK .
Then the subject is changed.
I can talk about Dad but not about how I feel .
I have only spoken about my feeling once , to my Husband and had a total melt down.
He can’t cope with it .
Has no idea what to do or say .
So I keep it to myself.
I miss my Dad every second of everyday but miss my life with him more.
I have no purpose anymore now he’s gone.
I don’t no if you feel the same or if this feeling is totally irrational .

Hello
Different people assume different roles in our lives and when they are no longer physically with us we are lost. It is almost impossible to convey this to anyone else and that just adds to our confusion and to the frustration of those trying to help.
Have you thought about sitting down and writing to your Dad…you can tell him exactly how you are feeling and how much you miss him…writing to him might help you “hear” the reply he would give you and give you strength to keep going. There are some posts on this approach and on how to continue bonds with our loved ones on the What’s your Grief website which might help you.
I lost my dad over 30 years ago and one of the hardest things to come to terms with was that I had lost the one person who had made me feel safe…it takes a long time to readjust but humans do so eventually…almost in spite of ourselves!
Tare care x

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Thank you , that as made a lot of sense to me.
I do ask him stuff and because I was so close to him and knew him so well I no the answers he would give me.
He would say , “your Ok , you just have to do the best you can “.
It’s the empty hours I would have normally spent with him.
I no I have to find something to fill this time .
A lot of time .
I feel this was our time and feel guilty doing other stuff with other people I don’t really want to be with.
I do write poems for him and about him.
I spend a lot of time at his grave , which I keep clean and tidy with fresh flowers each week.
I talk to him there a lot .
I will write to him as you said .
He was the person who never judged me the one who was always there for me unconditionally.
Not once in all my life did we ever argue or fall out .
We just laughed together about nothing all the time .
I miss that so much .
He was never a burden to me .
I loved looking after him.
He was funny witty and kind , with a dry humour that made everyone love him.
Although his body at 89 was failing him his mind was as sharp as a tack.
With a better memory than me.
He was my best friend my adviser and the person who I went to for everything.
We needed each other.
I am so sad without him.
Thank you for your help and advise.

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