I’m so empty now

Losing a partner
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I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my partner on 30th of December 2023. It’s just been a few days. I’m so raw. I feel strange, I find myself staring into space, not really thinking of anything. My partner was an alcoholic. I tried so hard to help her. She tried rehab a number of times and was drinking within a day or two of leaving rehab. We were together for 9 years even though I first met her when I was in my 20s. We dated for about 9 months then after she left for a long holiday abroad, we lost touch. 9 years ago we met again and our love was complete and unconditional. Her drinking wasn’t good but she could function. 4 years ago she went and left our house to live with her mum as I was struggling to look after her (I’m 62 now). Even though we lived apart, we FaceTimed for hours every day. She in….was an integral part of my life. After a couple of years she became too difficult for her mum to look after and she went into detox and rehab for many months. She got a little house to rent and there was hope. Was she going to recover? Of course she was drinking again, even worse than before. She was living 160 miles away so I couldn’t regularly see her, I had difficulty driving so far. When she was FaceTiming me and telling me she wanted to come home and just wanted a cuddly. This broke my heart every single day, multiple times per day. I was so distraught that I knew I couldn’t look after her as I’m not in good health and by this time she had become double incontinent. I cried multiple times per day on FaceTime with her. It was a window into her suffering and loneliness and pain. She deteriated so much and was drinking over 3 bottles of wine a day. She loves me so much and was so loving, to watch her become insensible and sleeping on the floor unable to get up and unable to get upstairs to go to the toilet. Of course I got social services around but the best they did was send someone around every morning and basically did nothing. The day before New Year’s Eve, at 7am, her alleged carer found her unconscious and an ambulance pronounced her dead 40 minutes later. She was on the floor, surrounded by here own faecies, it breaks my heart to imagine her pain and depression. I was even considering collecting her this month to try to help her, even though I knew I didn’t have the strength or mental fortification to do this. I would have done anything to save her. I’d rather have died than she had but I knew that her addiction was something I couldn’t cure. I feel and felt so helpless. Now she’s gone, lying in a chapel of rest awaiting her burial. I’m lucky her mum is very supportive and is dealing with all the things that need to be dealt with. I’m now on diazepam and just cannot see any future without my soulmate. We told each other every day how much we loved each other. Even her last words she ever said to me was a very faint and drunken “I love you”. I’m dead inside.

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Hello @William112,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the oss of your partner. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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That mustve been so awful for you. I am truly sorry for your loss but know that we all understand the pain you are going through ! None of us wanted to lose our loved one either , believe me ! No matter what the cause was. Take really good care and keep talking on here and please try get some bereavment counselling as suggested to you xx

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First of all I’m so sorry for your loss secondly you tried to save her but you couldn’t I know where your coming from my fiancé was the same he died from a bleeding ulcer as he was a drinker aswell he also was diabetic I tried getting him to harbour which is like rehab but that didn’t work and because he was use to drinking being a DJ we didn’t live together but I spent most of my time at his going places he went when he was working he suffered badly with his mental health I tried my very best but seems it wasn’t enough which is a shame I loved him very much and still do it was really sad to hear him fading away on the phone to me hour before he passed I called an ambulance but was too late people say it gets better etc etc no you just have to learn to live with the grief step by step day by day as they say grief is love with no place to go thank you for reaching out to the group look after yourself and remember she will always be with you in your heart :heart: we are all here to support each other xx

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That just sounds so similar to my situation. Must have been horrific for you too. Thanks you for taking time to say all that. It really helps as I felt my situation just felt unique to me. I wish I had the strength to be with my soulmate and could have brought her home to look after her. I’ll regret that forever.

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It wasn’t your fault and please don’t blame your self I wish I had done more for my fiancé I miss him every day and yes it was very traumatic when I went to collect my stuff the weekend he passed it was so emotional I kept saying I was sorry and wanted him home again not a single days goes by I don’t grieve the tears come quick and fast most days but I find some comfort in his music I listen too and having a few good friends around he will never been replaced but I have to learn to cope because of my own children keep interacting with the group your never alone

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