Dear all,
Im very drunk at the moment. Yet I always seem to have the ability to type! How weired is that? But in the last 15months I’ve become well practiced since losing the love of my life. My darling Anne who was taken by pancreatic cancer. The love of my life. Married for 50yrs Although I’ve had many signs from her that Anne is OK in the Spirit world Im bereft that I can no longer hold her poor sweet body. Racked with that vile cancer that took her away. I only eat when I’m truly hungry but rarely enjoy the experience. When totally sober I have anxiety and panic attacks. Im totally miserable. But when I drink the pain goes away. Im pushing 75yrs. Ive been on Citalopram for over 20yrs for clinical depression and acute Anxiety but those tablets are only just preventing me from tipping over the edge. Im done with this life of mine. Just surviving from day to day because I have no choice. I dont even truly know why I have posted this. Perhaps 10 cans of 5% beer has inspired me.
Love and Light
Geoff x
Dear Geoff, I read your post, I can’t say that I blame for posting it — it’s honest! While I wish I had something to say that might give you a glimmer of hope - I guess all I can say is I feel for you pal. I have had my bad days too - some of them were worse back at the start of 2020. It was still winter, the lockdowns and the very rare visitors at my home. Of course, I’m not in your shoes to say I know your grief, but I know you are probably agonizing over the loss of your dear wife, Anne. You speak very highly of her, I know you loved her with all your heart (I’m sure of that!). I looked at your photo - what a lovely pair you two were. I am truly sorry for your loss. (I’ve been there too!). What can we do? I just take it one day at a time - In fact I really love my solitude now - where I can think back on my beloved wife’s time with me in the early days. My heart aches each day for her - it’s almost a year soon, Seems like it’s been longer - but I miss her. I like my solitude but not without her. Please take care of yourself. Check in now and then, I’ll be out here reading your posts.
Herb
Dear Geoff I am so sorry, it really is so tough for you, sometimes the cost of great love is so overwhelming.
I do not have any answers. I did notice that there is a service on Sue Ryder for one to one professional advice.
Sometimes it can help to use as a sounding board, . Just an idea,
We are so complex, a mix of past forgotten memories and experiences. When we lose that person who loved us unconditionally whatever we get so deeply affected. I think most of us look at our new life and wonder what the point is, the reason seems to have gone. It hasn’t but it is so difficult to see.
I am still searching but deep inside I know there is a reason.
When you are low, talk to your wife aloud as you used to when she was there and just out of old eyeshot.
It can help and ideas may come that surprise you. Your wife sounds lovely, hold on to that and the love you share. A sisterly Hug from me, Alice A .
Geoff999 I really feel for you. What you feel is the same pain that all of us here are going through so we do understand. The first thought I had when I woke this morning is that God is the one looking after their ailing bodies while we will be the keeper of their memories.
What a lovely thought! That’s exactly how it is. Thank you for pointing that out as I hadn’t thought of it that way. That is a comfort.
Herb, I really relate to enjoying solitude and that it enables us to feel close to our loved one. Another thing I love is coming home, it’s where our memories are 
@Geoff999 Don’t worry about that you are not the only one who drinks to make the pain go away. It’s up to us what we do to make our life bearable. 
Hi geoff
Please please be careful with the drink.some.of us on here have lost partners and friends to alcohol if you need to talk to someone please do i dont want things spiralling out of control for you because its not nice to see
Take care x
Dear Geoff
Your post is heartbreaking and I feel for you in your pain and misery.
I too watched my husband taken by Cancer and it is horrendous watching them become so frail, it is not easy to forget those moments.
I am sure you are aware that alcohol is a depressant and not going to help you, so pointless me trying to change your mind about drinking.
I feel helpless and know there is nothing that I can say to help you but be sure we are all thinking of you and really do understand. We are all here to listen Geoff that is why you posted you know you can depend on us all to understand your pain.
Blessings
Pat
xxxx
DearSanW, I couldn’t have said it better. When I am home now, I have most of my wife’s things here as well as photos to remind me that she once lived here with me. It gives me time to reminence about our early days and the uphill struggles we endured together. I don’t know how, but somehow we got thru it all. We gradually developed a love between the two of us that I shall never forget. We loved each other and I shall never forget it. In all the setbacks we went thru I can honestly say I never stopped loving her. She was a real sweetheart!!! Thank you for posting your kind remarks - appreciated!
Herb
Hi Geoff.I also list my darling husband from pancreatic cancer.I don’t think I ever accepted that he might die although I knew how fatal a cancer it is.Ron was so fit and healthy prior to his diagnosis.He was always tanned and healthy looking.He only went to the doctor because he found it difficult swallowing and he only started being really poorly after he began the chemo.I watched him fade away, losing weight so fast.He looked like a skeleton and he aged so much.Eventually he was offered a Nano knife op to try to take the tumour away from an artery and I so wish that he had not gone ahead because it killed him. He was getting better after stopping chemo.He got his hair back and was not as tired.He also put weight on. After the op he got jaundice and then needed a stent and his treatment was appalling.He was taken into hospice to build him up.Supposedly for a week.Then he deteriorated quickly and died whilst still there. What I am trying to say is that I understand what grief does to you.I am drinking more now than I ever did and Ron always hated me having more than one drink.But life changes the minute they are gone.I drove home from the hospice and I knew my life had changed in an instant.I think of him all the time.The beautiful holidays we had etc.The home we had is just an house.I feel a devastating darkness and emptiness that can never change.I wanted to die even though I was always afraid of death.Now after two years I can do so much more but like you I have been separated from good friends who kept me going. I love this site because people really care.It is like having a friend in the next room. I am at a loss to understand who I am now. Please hang on Geoff.Private message me if you like. .You take care.i am so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife.
It’s the only way I know how to deal with things
@Louise7 I know and nobody can dictate to you about your choice. Life is very different now and we have deal with it any way we can.
Thanks johnswife that’s exactly what I’m doing and I can’t see me stopping anytime soon it is what it is.
I am like a butterfly trying to spread it’s wings with a broken heart take care.
@Louise7 Exactly we both enjoyed a bottle or two of wine together. I continue the tradition. Cheers 
Good morning Geoff,
My heart goes out to you and hearing about your pain for the loss of your beautiful wife. I lost my only son David and the pain was so deep and my heart was broken. I didn’t, smoke or drink only survive and stopped with the doctor’s advice taking tablets . I urge you to eat as God has a purpose for your life. I belong to a loving Fellowship AA and was speaking to a gentleman this morning who lost his wife a few weeks ago but he shares each day and doesn’t give up for is children and theirs too.
Take care, be safe…you will never forget your loving wife and you were lucky to have loved and be loved but you will learn to adjust and be of service to others. !ove and best wishes from Jan (Janine)