I miss my Mom

It’s coming up to 2 years since I lost my Mom. She had vascular dementia. I watched my beautiful, intelligent, funny, sassy, classy mother disappear piece by piece. She was left unable to speak which was so cruel as she loved a good gossip.
The day she looked at me and had absolutely no idea of who I was I died inside.
The last time I saw her we knew the end was near. I sat holding her hand and reading to her. She had stopped eating and drinking and was sleeping most of the time, but strangely that day she stayed awake the whole time I was there. I could hear her stomach rumbling as I sat by her bed. In my head I was screaming ‘somebody do something. Help her!’ She never looked at me, just sat propped up in bed staring into space, not even blinking. Every now and then she would let out a long sigh.
I didn’t want to leave her because I knew once I walked out of the door I’d never see her again.
When it was time to leave I told her not to be frightened as my Dad would be there waiting for her and she would not be alone. I kissed her and told her I loved her and said goodbye. I cried the whole 3 hour car journey home. Two days later my brother rang to say she had gone.

Dear Nic1,
Like you, I lost my mum 2 years ago and I know what you mean when you write how much you miss her. My mum did not have dementia, but I did watch her getting frailer and weaker after a second fall until nothing more could be done, and like you, we told her that Dad would be waiting for her. You describe very movingly how you spend your last day with her. Even though she did not respond, she may well have been aware that you were there. I was told during my training as a nurse that even when people are unconscious we should talk to them because they could still hear us. It must have been so hard to leave her that day. I remember how hard I found it to do that. Are you planning to do anything on the anniversary of her death? It can be a very difficult day, because it can bring back so many sad memories, but at the same time it can be a a time to cherish all the good memories. with others who knew and loved her.
Jo

Dear Jo64,
Thank you for your kind words. It is hard to watch your beloved mother getting frailer. You just think they will always be there, plodding on. I didn’t see my mom as often as I would have liked to, she lived in Wales so with working it wasn’t easy to pop and see her. My brother lived round the corner from her so he kept an eye on her until sadly she had to go into a home. The irony was that was what my mom did for her job, she was a geriatric nurse until she retired. , She always used to say she didn’t want to end her days like that so it made it all the more painful, especially as she nursed her own mother through it until she too went into a home.
We weren’t planning anything special this year. Last year, being the first anniversary we had a plaque put on the wall of rememberance and we traveled to wales and me and my brother went to have a look at it and take flowers. She was cremated and her ashes were scattered, she didn’t want a grave, she always thought it too morbid so we carried out her wishes.
I always have part of her with me, I have a locket with a photo of her and my dad when they got engaged and I have her wedding ring which I wear with pride.
My great sadness is that she only got to meet one of my 4 grandchildren. I have a photo of her holding my eldest grandchild which I treasure.
They leave such a huge hole in your life that nothing quite fills don’t they.