I lost my mum 3 weeks ago today and we had her funeral on Wednesday. She had been ill for 23 yrs but her health deteriorated so quickly in her last few days.
Me and mum were so close and similar in every way, whereas my sister and my dad are the ones similar to each other.
I’m finding it so difficult and miss her so very much. We both suffer depression and for me also anxiety, so Mum just ‘got it’ when I was feeling down, whereas now I feel totally on my own and almost like I’m not part of the family anymore because we’re not alike whatsoever.
Life seems absolutely pointless at the moment, I don’t want to believe she’s gone and part of me secretly hopes that she’ll suddenly text me. I know if I start trying to get my head round it all I’ll hit rock bottom and I can’t afford to do that for the sake of my own mental health.
Any advise would be so gratefully received.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Folle
I lost my mum in March, we were also very close. We also both suffered from anxiety and helped each other when we were struggling so I get you saying that your mum “got it” when you were feeling down. Please don’t feel alone as you are not, everyone on here is really nice and very supportive.
I remember feeling numb for a while after my mum passed away almost like it hadn’t sunk in but I suppose that’s natures way of protecting your emotions.
All I can say is try to keep busy with things you normally enjoy doing, I always felt better being in company rather than alone. Also if you go on amazon there are quite a few books that help with grief/bereavement.
I still have my bad days but also do have better days. It helps me to think that the last thing my mum would want is to see me broken and that sometimes gives me the strength to hold my head up and get on with my day.
take care and come on here as often as you need.
Louise
Hi Louise,
Thank you for your kind words, you’re right, Mum would hate to see me like this, it’s so tough because the one person who I would go to when I feel low is Mum, and we didn’t need to have long in depth conversations because we were so similar - it just makes it that bit harder.
Hi Folle
I totally understand, its so hard. Like you I had a very special relationship with my mum, that’s not to say my brothers are not heartbroken because I know they are. Me and my mum were very alike, we looked alike, we had similar interests and spent so much time together. Its still very early days for you but you will find a way to get through.
I think hobbies and distractions help or even doing some fundraising for charity. Also exercise helps and even getting out and about walking in the fresh air.
Take care and come on here and message anytime.
Louise
Hi Louise
Thanks so much, my mum was also ill for a long time, by the end she was on 24hr oxygen and restricted to her bed. Saying that 2 days before she passed she sat outside in the sun (probably with a coffee) and watched neighbours on the sofa- she’s not been outside for a good few weeks so it does bring some comfort to know she managed that.
It really feels like I’ve lost my best friend, and I can’t really describe the pain I’m feeling because I’ve never felt anything like this before.
I feel like I’ve been dumped in the middle of nowhere and have to find my way home.
Hi Folle
My mum also ended up on 24hr oxygen and was practically housebound by the end. Its very upsetting to see them suffer isn’t it. I can honestly say as much as it absolutely broke my heart to see my mum pass away I felt some peace that she wasn’t struggling anymore she lived such a rubbish existence towards the end but she was determined to carry on as long as she could. Your situation with your mum sounds very similar to mine.
That’s good that your mum managed a few days outside it does bring you comfort to have memories like that. My mum managed to go on a short cruise 6 months before she passed she took her oxygen and wheelchair on the ship with her and everything she was absolutely over the moon it was something she had always wanted to do so that makes me smile.
Its so early days for you are bound to feel lost i know i did, i can honestly say from the experience i have so far and its only been 6 months that things will get better. Its not like you ever don’t miss them but you manage to get through each day coping a little better as time goes on. Some days i have felt like I’m back at square one then other days i have enjoyed whatever it is i am doing. I can be distracted sometimes but then within seconds my mind switches back to missing my mum. Spending time with friends and family helps.
Hope you are feeling the best you can.
Louise
I lost my mom in may it is very hard and lonely times ,I’ve just started to feel normal some what ,but still have a state of shock aswell,we were very close always had her with me it is very hard but strength will come ,take each day as it comes all my thoughts with you xxxlaura xxx
Hi Laura and Louise
Mum had a mixture of things including vascilitis, COPD and emphysema, she was a fighter right till the end, I don’t really know what I’m feeling, the biggest thing at the moment is disbelief, I don’t want to accept she’s gone because the thought of never seeing her or having the one to one chats that only we could understand absolutely kills me inside with a hurt that’s so strong it takes my breath away.
Mum was never one to complain, even to the bitter end and I love her even more because she’s my absolute rock.
Xx
Hi
I am so sorry for your loss, i lost my Mum 8 weeks ago today, very suddenly from a heart attack, no warning, no illness, just gone
i feel like i am in a black hole of despair, i dont suffer from depression and i feel so low, so i can only imagine how you must feel losing your only allie to the difficulties of it
I have found comfort in a local Reiki group who offer me a kind ear, some Reiki therapy and a cup of tea! its helped me a bit
take care of yourself, and seek out help and support. youre worth it x
Hi Folle, I have just read your posting and am SO VERY SORRY to hear of the loss of your mum. It is still so new and raw for you and you at in the stage of ‘disbelief’ and ‘denial’ which is completely normal. A mum is so special because she gave birth to us and loves us unconditionally. I lost my own darlin mum 9 years ago and I was in pieces and couldn’t cope and it took me a long time to be able to manage the awful feelings of pain, hurt, loss, loneliness, fear, sadness, anxiety and feeling that life will never be the same again. I still miss her every day of my life and still talk to her framed photo one of which is on my wall and the other which is by my bedside. People will tell you that time heals and yes, it does. You will never forget but you will learn to manage the hurt and painful emotions which at the moment you cannot do because it is too new and raw. My advice is to be kind to yourself and do whatever feels right for YOU. Don’t push yourself to do things you don’t want to do and acknowledge that you are going through a terrible time, one of the biggest ordeals we have to face. Try to find things that help - going for a walk, watching television, seeing friends, gardening or doing a hobby that you enjoy. Sometimes just sit and be quiet is all you might want to do. Realise that you will be all over the place with your emotions and this is normal and it WILL get easier. I found reading books about bereavement and grieving were very helpful and gave practical advice and help and then I went on to spiritualism books which gave comfort too. I wrote a letter to my mum and put down all the things I wanted to say to her. I also kept a daily journal to get my feelings and emotions out on paper which helped. Take each day as it comes and just concentrate on getting through that day and look no further than that. The pain WILL ease but I am afraid to say it will take time and will be no easy ride. This site is a great site where everyone is in the same boat and you can pick up other people’s way of coping. Take care and know I am thinking of you. XX
Hi Karen 381 and donnab.
One thing I have noticed is the incredible support everyone has given me, it’s so nice to hear from fellow sufferers who ‘get it’.
Reiki is a really good idea - thank you for telling me.
I wrote Mum a letter and put some photos in to go in with her in her ‘new home’, I think for me it was a way of keeping hold of our very close relationship we had.
All those feelings you have mentioned I am feeling all at the same time and without a break. I’m heartbroken aswell because Dad has cleared their bedroom of everything, he said he’d leave it till after the funeral, so when I walked in last week on the day of her funeral expecting to see it as it was when I said goodbye to her, but everything of hers had been thrown out, I’m absolutely devastated because I’m craving anything personal to do with Mum so that I can keep hold of her, but it feels like it’s been ripped from my arms.
I know why Dad as a husband did it, but from my side - mums daughter, I’m furious and so hurt that he didn’t even consider my feelings. I know there is no point bringing it up because it’s done and there’s nothing I can do to bring it back.
I miss her so much and the thought of feeling like this ‘until it gets better’ is unbearable to think about.
Hi Folle
I know just how you feel my mum passed away 12 weeks ago and l’ve found it really hard. My father died when l was little so mum was everything to me, and now she’s gone my siblings have turned against me. So l to feel very alone, it has got easier but still cry for know reason. I find talking to her still as if she’s in the room with me it’s funny but l can almost hear her answer. I do have mental health problems and to start with those first weeks thought l was going backwards but believe me your not just cry when you wont feel sad when you wont and remember your not going backwards your mourning don’t try to put on a face for others it will ease and you will cope. Hear to listen keep strong.
Hi TS
Thank you for your reply, having mental health issues in the first place doesn’t help and I think starts us off not quite as strong as others might be.
12 weeks is very early days for you everyone on here is supporting each other which is really reassuring and comforting - especially for me as my dad and sister just seem to be blanking it and not showing emotion, whereas I’m the total opposite so it’s really nice to be among people who understand how difficult it is.
Hi Folle
I’m so sorry for your loss of your lovely Mum. I lost my beautiful Mum suddenly two and a half months ago and I know exactly what you’re going through. The numbness, the shock, the inability to believe you’ll never see, talk to or hug her again. I am still struggling to accept it. My heart is truly broken and my tears fall every single day.
I feel like you, like life is pointless now. Mum had a lung condition so she slowly deteriorated and I helped her a lot. I was always busy doing things for her or with her so I feel like I have no purpose now. I struggle daily, the pain never goes. I don’t think it ever will.
I find it a little better when I’m with family or friends who knew Mum well but generally I’m struggling to socialise. My brother and I have recently fallen out too which isn’t good but I find him difficult to be around. He’s dealing with it inwardly and exploding and flying off the handle at the slightest thing which isn’t good for my delicate state.
I just wanted you to know what you’re experiencing is not unusual. I’m not even sure what to advise you as I’m a complete mess myself but just know there are people here thinking of you and for you to share your thoughts and feelings with.
Sending hugs
Wendy
Xxx
Hi Wendy
Thank you for your message, it’s just so heartbreaking isn’t it.
I think when it’s things like long term illnesses like my Mum and your Mum had, we know ‘the day’ will happen because of the illnesses, but it certainly doesn’t make it any easier when it does, and when people say ’ at least they’re not in pain now’ infuriates me - of course they’re not in pain and they did suffer for many years - but it doesn’t make it ANY less painful for us.
I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your dear Mum, it also sounds like you were very close and having siblings that deal with it very differently to how we are doesn’t make it any easier.
I’m here to lend an ear anytime you need it.
I lost my mother just over a month ago now and still can’t fully engage with it. I have this terrible image in my head of her lying in a hospital bed, her eyes open and not breathing. It is just so terrible I can’t think about it for too long and can’t really get my head around it. I feel like I need to talk to a professional. Difficult to know where to go.
She spent the last two weeks in a hospital, unable to speak and with an oxygen mask strapped to her face. The whole thing was just awful.
I have terrible feelings of guilt, anger at the doctors, you name it.
The fact that she was old doesn’t make it any easier.
But one thing I do know, she would not want me to suffer too much thinking about what happened. She knew I loved her.
For those struggling, have you thought about using CRUSE to talk to about losing someone? It’s something I’m thinking about doing myself.
My mum died four weeks ago. She had been poorly, but this was still unexpected, and she was definitely too young.
I find my own mind stops me thinking about things too much. I feel like I’m just drifting along in life now, a bit pointlessly, unable to really focus on anything much. Four weeks and life doesn’t seem much easier. How are we supposed to just “carry on”? Death terrifies me, and now I have nightmares about my mum’s body too. I’m going to try and find a “professional” to talk to. I struggle with sleep and food.
Guilt - for burying her. For not being there when she died. For not doing more. Not protecting her more.
Sadness and emptyness. I also feel the struggle to accept that “that’s it” and that she isn’t coming back. I even found myself washing and packing her clothes, like she might come back. It’s not really sunk in how final this is. I’ve absolutely had it with people going on about Christmas.
I don’t really have any advice about dealing with losing your mum, I’m sorry. What is very clear is that none of us are alone, so I hope that this forum can bring you some comfort. I’m sure that my mum wouldn’t want me to be sad, but that doesn’t seem to have stopped the tears. It just still doesn’t feel real. I keep saying “it doesn’t feel real”. Does anyone else feel like this? Maybe it’s because I went to see her at the chapel of rest, and she actually looked healthier than she had done for a while, and more peaceful/out of pain. I think that almost made it harder to move on. (But I definitely definitely do not regret being able to see her and say good bye).
Hi Kimberly
Thank you for your reply. I totally understand when you say that it doesn’t feel real and everything else you have said. Mum has been gone 4 weeks and I’m finishing almost more painful now that I did the day before (even though I thought it couldn’t get anymore painful)
I’m really glad you went to see your Mum in the chapel of rest and you said your goodbyes, it was something I didn’t do and halfway through her funeral I was hit by a wave of guilt.
I’m feeling frustration that even my family seem to have a ‘’ well that’s it’’ attitude, I can barely put one foot in front of the other let alone thing if anything else - so I totally get what you say.
Like you I don’t have any answers as it’s new to both of us, but it is so good that this is here for us to vent/ask/give help.
I also meant to say I have been in contact with Cruse, I should be having as assesment in the next week or so, I was advised that there is a long waiting list, but it will help I’m sure
Hello Kimberley & Folle
Just wanted to add a quick note re counselling : I am on the waiting list for Cruse too but they told me to wait 3 months before I could join it. I was only added as I called them earlier to say how much I was struggling. Their list is a few weeks wait.
There’s a charity called Mind that also offer support, they have a waiting list (10 weeks in Essex where I am) and you donate £5 a session. For £40 a session you can start almost straight away. I’m fortunate enough to belong to the Transport Benevolent Fund who are funding my first six sessions so I can now start next week. I’m really hoping it can help.
Hope you’re both getting through your weekend ok and everyone else is too
Sending more hugs:)
Wendy