I need her.

Im almost 8 weeks on from my sisters sudden death. Our parents were both disabled and so my sister and i became next of kin for one each but any issues that arose were looked after by both of us. My brother really doesnt get involved. My dad died 8 years ago so it was left that i would be my mums next of kin, with my sistet second on the list of emergency contacts and my brother 3rd.

Now my sisters gone, my brother had to go to number 2 on the list. He’ll need to step up and ive done a lot of explaining about how things work over the last 2 months.

However, mums health has been stable the last few years. We’ve had very little issues.

In the last two months we’ve had a urine infection which always makes her hallucinate, a bunch of side effects from her covid jab and ive just had a phonecall from the emergency care alarm at the council saying shes fallen, the paramedics are worried about one of her hips (both of which have been replaced in the last 7 years) and shes gone to hospital.

So im messaging my brother to keep him upto date and i was overwhelmed with the feeling that i just need my sister. Its not that shed do anything different but she just knew. I didnt have to explain who the call was from, the fact that i dont know how its happened yet, what her injuries are and what might happen

My sister just knew and its the first time since she died that ive really felt a specific “i need her here” feeling. She just knew. She used to say she just knew by the way the phone rang that something was wrong.

She just knew and i need her and im angry and its not fair.

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Hi vivmt,

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community :blue_heart: I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,
Alex

It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate and probably will have to bear the brunt of the caring about your Mom, her situation and health, if your brother is less involved. I can imagine, your sister was a rock for you and it’s not long at all since she died. That in itself must be awful for you, without all the worry of your mom. Do use this site to tell us how you’re coping (or not coping) and to look for support if it helps. Without your sister you need an outlet

Thanks.
Im just not really coping. Mum is totally fine, thankfully no bone damage just soft tissue so shes home, slightly increased painkillers for a little while, and a bit unsettled, i think she gave herself a fright. I told my brother i felt like she’d need contact from one of us every day for a few days to a week just to check in, and his response was “thatll be fun for you”.

Im just overwhelmed by everything. Work is overwhelming but they just keep telling me theyre so glad im able to stay and oh so grateful in one hand and then asking me if i was aware my absences were “problematic” with the other.

And my head has started to believe what a few other people are telling me. Its 9 weeks. I should be starting to feel better by now. Which im not, i feel worse if anything. I read an article last night that said acute grief should be over by 6 to 8 weeks after the death and any acute grief after that is a mental illness.

Ive asked my dr for help but theres a waiting list, my counsellor cant see me any more frequently than once every 4 weeks, and my friends have all gone back to their normal lives, which of course its right that they should, but im alone. Even my brother in law said he was doing ok when i asked him how he was and had activities planned with his friends or family every night this week.
My whole life has changed. Every day has changed because thats how often i spoke to her and numerous times a day on whatsapp or messenger. I use to nip the hour down the road to hers if id had a stressful week and needed away.
They hadnt been able to have children and they were just coming to accept that. Im single and no kids. A month before she died we were talking about what we’d do in later life. She said we would just have to team up, look after each other and bug my brother in law together. A month later she was gone.
So now not only does my now life feel empty, im facing my future being completely alone.

6 - 8 weeks! Who writes this stuff. I think you’ll see here that a lot of people take at least 6 - 8 months and some even years. I’m amazed your brother in law is coping so well, but we’re all different. He’s lucky if he’s managing his life how you describe, but then people often prefer not to admit to suffering inside. You don’t give any indication of how old you are, what time of your life. Also, do you need to have a word with your brother and say you can’t do it on your own. You’ll never replace your sister, but nothing stays the same and your life will be different from what you imagined in ways no-one can predict. The uncertainty is part of the distress we feel I think. We like predictability, most of us. All we see in the future is a gaping space of time to be filled. And not filled in the way we thought or hoped. That’s the rub.

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Im 40. My sister was only 48. Here one day gone the next.

My brother has been spoken to numerous times by numerous people. But he was like this when my dad was sick. My sister and i split it that she had main responsibility for dad and i had for mum. (My parents were separated) My brother just wouldnt. When dad died i kept main responsibility for mum but with my sister a close second.
He didnt even come up for my sisters funeral.

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